Hi there! I guess you could say I have been tentatively diagnosed with bp but of course I'm just not sure. My gp thinks I have it and is sending me to a pdoc. I had a mini breakdown (not hospitalized), and I wrote her a letter and gave it to her. By the time I saw her I was feeling quite a bit better. My problems started probably in gr.6 (28, now). I was very hyper, I'm sure I would have been labelled ADD. Also, I had problems making friends because my behaviour was so wacky. I really started having problems at 15. I went through periods of extreme depression and attempted suicide 3 times. But sometimes I would be so hyper and out there and full of energy. I saw a pdoc a few times in the hospital he said I had a biological depression and gave me prozac. On that, I couldn't sleep, was very agitated and had worse thoughts of hurting myself. I saw a therapist a few times who suggested manic depression. Anyways I ended up signing myself into a psyche ward but signing myself out 2 days later. I can't believe my parents let me!!! Anyways, that was the end of my help. I did okay for the next few years, alternating between feeling great and being depressed (but not suicidal depressed). Anyways then I had children. After each birth, I could not sleep for days, but then crashed. I didn't get too bad after son was born. Life was good, I was a mom, I had everything I wanted. I had the odd irritable, angry, moment but was basically okay. After I had my daughter, I had a depression. I cried and felt I couldn't take care of two children. I started to get bad anxiety/panic attacks. My husband suggested going to dr. but my depression improved.
Anyways, I still have severe anxiety and severe anger/irritibility. My husband doesn't know what he's coming home too. Sometimes, I'm okay. I've cleaned the house, baked, and feel great. Other times, the house is a mess and I've slept most the day. Other times, he walks in and just looks at me and knows I might rip his head off. What sucks the most is I scream at my kids and feel horrible. I just lose control over something silly. Everything just seems to much for me. I feel so horribly guilty for it and I hug them and let them know it's not their fault but that I am having a bad day. It's awful. I actually swear at them! I recently went through a very agititated anxiety time. I had the horrid racing thoughts, pent up energy, but I wasn't productive with it. I spent so much time obsessed with the puter. I feel like I'm going crazy when this happens. It's happened 3 times and it drives me nuts. After this episode however, I went into a weird state. I was happy one minute, deeply depressed the next (into my room, crying, thinking of dying, and poking myself with pins), then I get so angry, irritable that I literally hate my husband (he is a good guy). I just wanted quiet and no distractions. I love my children dearly but the noise they made just drove me insane. This went on for about a week and then another change. I went to a state of no anxiety, except the odd flutter (this is NOT normal). No anxiety sounds wonderful but I was in a weird state. I felt numb, couldn't think really, and had no ambition to do anything. I was kind of in a fog. I normally nap during the day, and I couldn't which ticked me off. At night my sleep was so broken. Staring at the clock every hour and waking at 5 and just knowing I wouldn't get back to sleep. I didn't know what to do with myself. Anyways, this is what I was like until today. Last night I finally took a clonazepam even though I had no anxiety because I though I needed a decent nights sleep. I slept well but woke up with freaking anxiety!!!! Today I'm pretty much back to myself. I had a very productive morning. Had lots of ambition to clean the house. It petred of at 1pm and I took a 2 1/2 hr. nap. I woke up and made cabbage rolls and feel like I have energy again. I talked to both my sister and my mom and yacked their ears off and probably annoyed them. I can't figure it out. It's like I have excess energy in the morn but it dies then comes back.
I also get these fabulous sensations sometimes. Like the world is a fabulous beautiful place, my husband and children are beautiful and everything is good. But it fades quite quickly. It's like a beautiful rush, if only I could live that all the time. I was convinced it was my thyroid for a while but that was fine. My mom suffers severe anxiety/depression is an acoholic and tried to commit suicide before christmas. Her brother was schizophrenic. My dad has depression/social anxiety and his sister committed suicide. He is also a compulsive gambler.
Sometimes, I am convince I am bipolar, other times I think nope. I'm scared about going to the pdoc. I'm scared he'll put me on an antidepressant (I tried celexa a few years ago, and thought I was going to die after 1/2 a pill, Wellbutrin not so bad except drunken, agitated feeling). I can't live with the anxiety and the screaming rages I get into. I'm horrible sometimes and hate myself for it. I know I am a good person, I am very empathetic but I can't control the ugliness in me sometimes.
What do you all think?