Hi everyone, new here, this is long!

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Regular Member

Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 27
   Posted 2/19/2006 3:12 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi there!  I guess you could say I have been tentatively diagnosed with bp but of course I'm just not sure.  My gp thinks I have it and is sending me to a pdoc.  I had a mini breakdown (not hospitalized), and I wrote her a letter and gave it to her.  By the time I saw her I was feeling quite a bit better.  My problems started probably in gr.6 (28, now).  I was very hyper, I'm sure I would have been labelled ADD.  Also, I had problems making friends because my behaviour was so wacky.  I really started having problems at 15.  I went through periods of extreme depression and attempted suicide 3 times.  But sometimes I would be so hyper and out there and full of energy.  I saw a pdoc a few times in the hospital he said I had a biological depression and gave me prozac.  On that, I couldn't sleep, was very agitated and had worse thoughts of hurting myself.  I saw a therapist a few times who suggested manic depression.  Anyways I ended up signing myself into a psyche ward but signing myself out 2 days later.  I can't believe my parents let me!!!  Anyways, that was the end of my help.  I did okay for the next few  years, alternating between feeling great and being depressed (but not suicidal depressed).  Anyways then I had children.  After each birth, I could not sleep for days, but then crashed.  I didn't get too bad after son was born.  Life was good, I was a mom, I had everything I wanted.  I had the odd irritable, angry, moment but was basically okay.  After I had my daughter, I had a depression.  I cried and felt I couldn't take care of two children.  I started to get bad anxiety/panic attacks.  My husband suggested going to dr. but my depression improved.
Anyways, I still have severe anxiety and severe anger/irritibility.  My husband doesn't know what he's coming home too.  Sometimes, I'm okay.  I've cleaned the house, baked, and feel great.  Other times, the house is a mess and I've slept most the day.  Other times, he walks in and just looks at me and knows I might rip his head off.  What sucks the most is I scream at my kids and feel horrible.  I just lose control over something silly.  Everything just seems to much for me.  I feel so horribly guilty for it and I hug them and let them know it's not their fault but that I am having a bad day.  It's awful.  I actually swear at them!  I recently went through a very agititated anxiety time.  I had the horrid racing thoughts, pent up energy, but  I wasn't productive with it.  I spent so much time obsessed with the puter.  I feel like I'm going crazy when this happens.  It's happened 3 times and it drives me nuts.  After this episode however, I went into a weird state.  I was happy one minute, deeply depressed the next (into my room, crying, thinking of dying, and poking myself with pins), then I get so angry, irritable that I literally hate my husband (he is a good guy).  I just wanted quiet and no distractions.  I love my children dearly but the noise they made just drove me insane.  This went on for about a week and then another change.  I went to a state of no anxiety, except the odd flutter (this is NOT normal).  No anxiety sounds wonderful but I was in a weird state.  I felt numb, couldn't think really, and had no ambition to do anything.  I was kind of in a fog.  I normally nap during the day, and I couldn't which ticked me off.  At night my sleep was so broken.  Staring at the clock every hour and waking at 5 and just knowing I wouldn't get back to sleep.  I didn't know what to do with myself.  Anyways, this is what I was like until today.  Last night I finally took a clonazepam even though I had no anxiety because I though I needed a decent nights sleep.  I slept well but woke up with freaking anxiety!!!!  Today I'm pretty much back to myself.  I had a very productive morning.  Had lots of ambition to clean the house.  It petred of at 1pm and I took a 2 1/2 hr. nap.  I woke up and made cabbage rolls and feel like I have energy again.  I talked to both my sister and my mom and yacked their ears off and probably annoyed them.  I can't figure it out.  It's like I have excess energy in the morn but it dies then comes back. 
I also get these fabulous sensations sometimes.  Like the world is a fabulous beautiful place, my husband and children are beautiful and everything is good.  But it fades quite quickly.  It's like a beautiful rush, if only I could live that all the time.  I was convinced it was my thyroid for a while but that was fine.  My mom suffers severe anxiety/depression is an acoholic and tried to commit suicide before christmas.  Her brother was schizophrenic.  My dad has depression/social anxiety and his sister committed suicide.  He is also a compulsive gambler.
 Sometimes, I am convince I am bipolar, other times I think nope.  I'm scared about going to the pdoc.  I'm scared he'll put me on an antidepressant (I tried celexa a few years ago, and thought I was going to die after 1/2 a pill, Wellbutrin not so bad except drunken, agitated feeling).  I can't live with the anxiety and the screaming rages I get into.  I'm horrible sometimes and hate myself for it.  I know I am a good person, I am very empathetic but I can't control the ugliness in me sometimes.
What do you all think?

Ellie 1
Veteran Member

Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 1291
   Posted 2/19/2006 7:13 PM (GMT -7)   


Except for your age, you and I could be twins.  You sound so much like me it's scary.  I go through the same things when I'm unmedicated.  (And I've spent most of my life unmedicated until recently)

Trust me, head to the pdoc like your GP say's.  There are alternatives to feeling like you're continually out of control.  I know where you're coming from.  Sometimes I would feel like I was standing outside myself, watching, and asking, "Just what are you doing?  Stop that!"  Except that I couldn't stop.  It was like driving down a mountain side with no brakes.

I know the idea of medicating is scary.  Heck, I still get scared to take so much as a new cold medicine.  I hate drugs.  But I want to be the best mother that I possibly can,  I have six children and they deserve that.  Hang in there.  You'll be so surprised at the change once you're stable.  I'm still getting there.  I've only been back on meds a little over a week, so I'm still adjusting, but it's getting better every day.

Take care and welcome to Healingwell.


Good judgement comes from experience and alot of that comes from bad judgement.

Regular Member

Date Joined Feb 2006
Total Posts : 42
   Posted 2/19/2006 8:35 PM (GMT -7)   
hiya Crissi :) You sound just like me... I was diagnosed with Bipolar I 5yrs ago... and what you have been describing is almost like me reading my own words describing myself. I have been in the same exact situations with the hubby and kids.... and have hated every second of it once the low hit and I realized what I had said and done.
Its a viscious cycle, Crissi. One that can only be controlled with meds. Several months ago I hit an almost mental breakdown during a manic episode, and it landed me into my pdoc's office. I was not taking any meds at all except Effexor...which was a big NO NO. One thing I have learned first hand is to never ever never take an antidepressant alone if you are Bipolar. It will send you into mania. I am now taking Risperdal, Wellbutrin, and Lexapro along with alternating Klonopin and Ativan for my anxiety/panic attacks.
I still have a ways to go, but am closer to that happy medium than I was three months ago! :)
I would definately stick with seeing the pdoc. It will be well worth it!
Good Luck, and keep us posted!!!!!!!!

"I doubt sometimes whether a quiet and unagitated life would have suited me--- yet, I sometimes long for it."   ~Byron

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