hiya Crissi! You sound just like me before I finally found the meds that worked for me. I have three children as well (ages 10 and 7 yr old twins) and I can recall just from reading your post occasions when I did the same thing.. even worse... to my kids. I have destroyed their rooms in a fit of rage... throwing their beds outside... saying bad things to them just because I was so angry at nothing really.
Its not your fault. You shouldnt be so hard on yourself.... you are attempting in doing your very best to get help.. so give yourself a pat on the back for that one :) The moods are gonna come and go, sometimes faster than the other can manifest. I am Bipolar I and suffer from Ultra Rapid Cycling... so I can relate to the way you are describing what you are going thru.
I dont think that your leaving your husband and kids is the answer. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. To leave would be giving in to this thing and letting it completely destroy your life. The whole part of hating yourself is the way this thing leaves us because we dont know any other way to feel when we catch glimpses of ourselves doing and saying things totally out of our character. There is really no other true emotion we can feel when this happens. I really feel for you and your family, as I can really say I know where you are coming from when you describe what has been going on lately.
Is there any way you can contact your pdoc or someone else in your area?? I know for me, it took my therapist and pdoc to calm me down after hours of cycling. Then a strong dose of Risperdal sent me on my way right out of the mania... and I havent been there since then.
I hope that you are able to get in touch with someone soon to get this sorted out. My thoughts are with you. Above all... hang in there! .. good luck to you! Keep us posted!
"I doubt sometimes whether a quiet and unagitated life would have suited me--- yet, I sometimes long for it." ~Byron