...not to say that my current state includes illegal activity or is outside of the social parameters we are all accustomed to. Being out of control to me is merely not being able to control my moods; my thoughts; my emotions. Personal relationships seem to be affected the most. But in the last 5 years I have notably felt change in my professional relationships as well.
My fiance is much older than I and was the first to express concern about my mood swings and mental stability. At first I was angry and hurt; but very recently I have become more accepting of his urging that I see someone. He has endured the most difficult aspects of my swinging moods for it is only with him that I find myself spatting vile remarks and name calling without thought. I love him dearly...and while he is not without fault, he is not deserving of that behavior from me. It hurts me to hurt him that way...but I can't stop myself. I have only ever had this same behavior with one other person...that was my mother...on the phone. I was very hurt that plans for the annual family reunion did not include my plans for donating centerpieces for the tables as I had done the year before. It was a creative outlet for me that I enjoyed doing. I was very hurt that the family didn't even want my charity...and while there is a long explanation of why that may have been that included my mother and her behavior, I lost control of my emotions and began sobbing uncontrollably and spitting out ugly remarks along with promises not to attend the reunion at all. My mother was in total shock and speechless. Again she is not without fault; but she didn't deserve that behavior either. I think she recognizes that I may be unstable.
In the last five years, only recognizing the pattern in hindsight of course, I have felt insecurities and anxieties grow with leaps and bounds. In April of this year, I left a job that I had been at for the last 3 years (this seems to be my level of tolerence for any job). Having been in management since I was 18, I went back to school 2 years ago to earn a degree to get me out of retail and fast food. It was in April that everything seemed to collapse around me. I struggled for the last year to fulfill my obligations to school and work and couldn't seem to give either the fair attention it needed. So, not that this was the first time, I walked out of 3 years of hard work and dedication. Since, I have accepted 2 different jobs and after 2-3 weeks I find myself so depressed and full of anxiety that I can't bring myself to get out of bed and go back to work. Mostly because of a co-worker and a failing social relationship in which I feel victimized and yet superior at the same time.
Today, I called in to a job that I have been at for 2 weeks...and I don't want to go back. On top of being uncomfortable in the work situation, just like last time I know I am going to be severely depressed once I don't show up for work again. I have worked very well for 2 weeks. However, I am a very organized; observant person that has a mind that is constantly thinking of how to do whatever it is I am doing more efficiently. I will do time goals in my head and run math equations to "trim the fat" on any task that is required of me. That is just what I do. This may be obsessive in itself, but it is a great thing for management. But just like the last job, the person I work most closely with that is training me has become very hateful and short with me. She was on vacation for a week and when she came back I had made a few organizational changes as far as saving food waste and maintaining food integrity. She was back for 3 hours and when I came in she had changed everything back around. Stupid things that she only changed back to flex her muscles and struggle for power that neither of us have.
In my mind, I am a victim. But how can I be the victim in every scenario that I am a part of. I felt so great for 2 weeks. I was running the cafe by myself after only one day of training. I had a lot of experience in food however and that made it rather easy for me. For a week I tweeked and cleaned and had operations running smoothely. Now, I have been reduced to nothing. Not a kind word from this coworker. I felt underlying disdain for my presence yesterday and today...I just couldn't make myself go in. I sensed that she was talking about me to other co-workers that work in the retail portion of the store and come in for lunch. This person sits in the dining area every day (that I am working with her) chatting with these other associates that come in for lunch. While I am cleaning tables, waiting on customers, and keeping the food prep area clean. Yet, these "friends" of hers are mean to me when they come in for lunch.
I just don't want to go back. I wouldn't be concerned except that it is not the first time. I have a lot of experience in management...but I have a lot of experience leaving jobs because I just can't force myself to go back due to feelings of paranoia, anomosity, and/or anxiety. So I feel bad looking for management jobs; but like my current situation, I am not a manager and can't discipline what needs to be disciplined. So I feel very insignificant. I can't win for losing. I cried all day today. Who wants to work under those circumstances. But we can't make it if I don't work. I can't keep leaving jobs either. I am failing my school again as well. I was able to turn it around before, but I won't be able to this time. I just can't force myself to do the work. This is something I have wanted my whole life...the chance to go to college. But working and going to school full time are very hard. I can't seem to be able to do both. I thought getting a job with less responsilility would give me the time for school and less stress to deal with. But I was wrong. I feel so unhappy...like I have no purpose. Like...I am just not worthy of a normal life. Why can't I just be happy with any job like everyone else?
Reading online, I feel like for 2 weeks I was manic. I felt good about a new start in a job and that I had experience that would give me a good foundation to do a good job. In one day I have fallen to depression and feelings of worthlessness. What do I have to offer anyone?
I am just out of control...and I can't stand not being in control...Thanks for reading if you made it to the end...I will take any and all advice. I feel so overwhelmed and just don't know what to do.