Hi Ellie and Blue Jude -- and thanks so much for your feedback. Ellie, I hope I never tell my ex to "just get over it" -- what a way to undo all the good work of being understanding. The one thing I do know is that my ex is ill and is not trying to do anything mean -- and Blue Jade, what you said about threats does really fit and it's really helpful to have you confirm what I felt about this (that it's not meant and that he probably beats himself up about that stuff like crazy at times).
But here's some news for you that came like a bolt out of the blue...
At about 2pm (UK time) I got a text from my ex asking what I was up to this afternoon. Now, I knew that he was going to bring back something from his mum and dad's that I'd left there months ago and needed, but when we had last spoken it looked like he was just going to text me to tell me when he could drop it off and I'd arrange to be out (he has a key to let himself in and drop it off); that way we could stick pretty much to the no contact rule. So, I was just about to text back and say did he want to drop it off and, if so, what time so that I could vacate the premises, when ... about a minute later ... he phoned! Yes, he wanted to drop the thing off, but it'd be nice to see me for a cup of tea. I was gobstruck, but did my best to sound calm!
Well, he had to go and do something before coming round, and it ended up taking about 2 hours -- all of which time I was climbing the walls! He got round at about 4.30, and has just left (at about 11.30). He was *so* much more like himself than a few weeks ago. Last thing I was expecting was a visit before the month was up, but it happened, and he initiated -- and cooked for me!!!! And he was lovely!!!! No freaking out at all -- before he'd stay for an hour or so, then get all fidgety and suddenly it was like he couldn't leave fast enough.
Just before he left I asked him how he wanted to play things contact-wise. He said "let's just do what we're doing". I had to check if this meant the no contact bit or the seeing him bit, and he said "like today; just keeping things relaxed". And as he left he said "I'm smiling, by the way." I'm still not entirely sure where this leaves us, so I'll wait for him to make contact, but I'm just so pleased at the afternoon/evening we had! It has made me feel so much better -- it's so easy to think you're kidding yourself that things *must* work out because we were great together before.
I tentatively asked if he was still seeing his pdoc and he said yes, but didn't open up about that any further. That's different from before when he'd report back all the time. On balance, I'm not sure it's a bad thing that he keeps that for him at the moment -- he won't have to feel like he has to edit anything and can be totally honest with his pdoc (or at least this is my hope!).
So ok, nothing's "solved", but he's getting better!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Thanks so much for your support so far. I'm sure there'll be much more to come (ups and downs probably). I just wanted to tell you about this wonderful day!