Mind games and denial

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Regular Member

Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 26
   Posted 8/20/2006 5:29 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi, first post on here.
I've been on medications since the age of 2 (phenobarbital) and then started psychotropics at age 13 - I'm almost 40 now.
Mostly, I've always been diagnosed as having depression, depression with anxiety, despression with anxiety and suicidal ideations, and finally this year with bipolar.
I was started on Trileptal and Trazadone, due to not having insurance and not being able to afford the medications I have stopped taking them; also because I found that I was aching all over constantly.  Seemed like it was a useless battle, mental stability and physical pain, or physical stability and mental anguish.
Anyway, I am still at a point where I want to deny that I am Bi-polar.  I keep thinking that I just have to try harder at being 'normal', or that I'm using my mental state in order to be lazy and hide out from living.
Along the way, about 3 years ago, I decided that I would stop all medications (I was on 9 psychotropics) and within a month began using illegal drugs.  Now, I've been clean of those for 2 years.
I guess I'm posting to hear others viewpoints and experiences with this. 
I don't want to be bi-polar but I don't know why I don't feel normal.

Regular Member

Date Joined Aug 2006
Total Posts : 78
   Posted 8/20/2006 9:20 PM (GMT -7)   
Sharing how you stayed clean for two years will help you and others.
I had to admit that I was sick before I could begin to get well.

Elite Member

Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 24909
   Posted 8/21/2006 4:07 AM (GMT -7)   
HI and Welcome I agree with rybird you took a giant step in admitting and getting self clean last couple of yrs......
I take trazadone for sleep but find it is losing its effect.......I am only steeping in for Ellie right now so I am hoping others will post and give you some advice .Please do stick around this is a great place for support and there is the depression forum as well as Anxiety and maybe you can stop in there ......
Hoping all starts to go your way ..............

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Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1529
   Posted 8/21/2006 4:35 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Rosamptx,

Welcome to HW!

If you are bipolar then you have to accept that no amount of you trying to be "normal" is going to really kick it into touch: there's a biological/chemical basis to the illness and addressing that is fundamental to your road to recovery. I'm sure that being diagnosed as bipolar can seem like a life sentence, but there's a whole wealth of treatment out there that can help you to actually *regain* your life, and the truth is that the life sentence is living with bipolar *without treatment*.

If you have any real doubts over the diagnosis (rather than just a wish that it weren't the case), get yourself a second opinion. If it comes back the same, you do really need to accept and start to help yourself by getting help -- that way you are in control rather than the illness being in control of you. I've been reading "The Bipolar Survival Guide" by David Miklowitz: it's helped me to understand more about the illness and treatment options and I'm sure it would help you with accepting or challenging your doc's diagnosis.

Take care,
Rosie x
People are not like fish: they do not work better battered.

Regular Member

Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 26
   Posted 8/21/2006 6:04 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you for the responses.

As far as staying clean for the last two years, I started with NA then I moved away from where I grew up. I realized that I could not deal with a lot of stress so I ended up in a small town where the stars shine bright at night. I turned into my own best body guard and friend, if I knew it would lead me in the wrong direction I notify someone around me and I made it a point at first to not carry cash and always let someone know where I was going. I gave up nursing, after 8 years, and started working stress free jobs. I gave up a lot, including living in the same state as my children, but now I see them every few months and talk to them daily rather than always be running, hiding, and being sedated.

I am going to look into seeing another doctor and rather than tell him what I've been diagnosed with, have him tell me what he thinks.

Today, so far, looks like it might be an up day.

Thanks again.
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