Anxiety & thoughts of inpending doom -- Biporlar burnout.

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Regular Member

Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 27
   Posted 8/28/2006 5:02 AM (GMT -7)   
When I first wake up, or am just beginning to fall asleep-- I have horrible feelings that
are only half thoughts. This is sometimes only very troubling and at other times plain
horrible. I'm Bipolar and have been for many years but the medications have pushed
me into thoughts of death; in my medicated thinking life isn't important and neither
is death. That is bad thinking. With my Psych, I've tried Lex., Well, Zolof and all of
these caused the same distortations in (poor) thinking. When I was first diagnosed, I
was 22 years old and told that I had probably always been Bipolar. That was years ago
I was given Thorazine(?) and told that I would have to take it for the rest of my life.
I only took it for a short time and then dumpted it down the toilet. The next few years
seem to have gone bye just fine. Then I was back in the Hospital and in a straightjacket.
until they could get me shotup with something that brought me down off the ceiling.
I remember being tied down for my own safety for four days and nights. That was the
worst of my being Bipolar and having horrible experiences. However, the same thing
happens over and over again every few years. Today, I just staying away from people,
at home a recluse. The nights are sooo long. If it were not for the chat at healingwell
and one or two others, I would have zero contact with people. I don't seem to be able
to trust myself/ my behavior/ around people. I'm too moody. I don't know really what
to do. My medical doctor is a general prac. and has outsourced me to about anyone
that might be of help--he is lost and so am I....? What to do?

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1529
   Posted 8/28/2006 5:47 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Nitescribe,

I've left you a response in the a/p forum too, but this post gives me a bigger picture of what's going on. It also tells me that the caffeine bit you wrote about in a/p is *very* important as it can be a real trigger for bipolar and is best avoided completely. So previous advice stands x10!

Now for some more questions... . Have you had a conversation with your psych about how you're feeling now? How long have you been on your current meds and which one is it? Did the Thorazine help before you dumped it? The key thing to remember is that it can take *ages* for some people with bipolar to find the right meds for them, and in the right dosages. That can sound depressing, I know, but it also says that there are always different avenues to try, and you must not give up when somewhere out there is the right help.

This sounds like a horrible time for you, and it must be so difficult coping with the thoughts you're having. I'm so sorry this is where you are right now. But I do know that this is the illness, and maybe the wrong meds/dosages and that this is your best sign that you need to chase up help to stop the spiral. I think it's *great* that you've made it here, where people do understand and where you can get advice and support.

How are things going generally with your psych? Do you see him/her regularly?

Keep us posted Nitescribe. -- We're very glad to have your company here.

rosie x
People are not like fish: they do not work better battered.

Ellie 1
Veteran Member

Date Joined Apr 2005
Total Posts : 1291
   Posted 8/28/2006 8:06 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Nitescribe,
I'm sorry you're having such a difficult time right now. Am I correct in understanding that you were ONLY on thorazine, or was it thioridizine (Melaril). If it was the latter, I was on that horrible drug, (good for some, NOT for me) and it caused me so many problems I had myself admitted. That is a major tranquilizer, and I believe an antipsychotic, (not swearing to that info though), and alone not necessarily all that effective. Makes one prone to depression, big depression, but will pull you down from a manic episode FAST.
Please don't give up on this. If you are ending up hospitalized every few years, out of control, you need to be on something to prevent it from happening again, and to pull you out of the depression you're in.
Physicans are employees. If the one you have can't do the job, make it your mission to go out and find one who can. This is your life we're talking about here. You have to make the most of it.
I know they haven't found the correct drug "cocktail" for you yet, but I have faith that it will happen, sometimes it takes years to get the meds right. It's all trial and error. Just keep plodding along. I know that sounds nearly impossible when you're depressed, but it's up to you to make this better. You can't be alone always thinking you're not fit for human company. You need people who care in your life, and you'll feel more stable and able to cope with them once you find the right meds.
If you know a med has had an adverse effect in the past, you have the right to say no. Make them try something else. Lord knows there exists a wide variety of meds out there. Your post really hit a chord with me. I had such a terrible time with meds and nearly gave up, but in the end I survived it, and I know you will too.
Hang in there Scribe
Good judgement comes from experience and alot of that comes from bad judgement.

Regular Member

Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 27
   Posted 8/29/2006 4:06 PM (GMT -7)   
Thank You, Ellie and CounterClockWise for your messages, thoughtful support and suggestions.

Regular Member

Date Joined May 2006
Total Posts : 241
   Posted 8/29/2006 4:33 PM (GMT -7)   
Dear Nitescribe:  I am having a tough time myself right now so I can relate.  I have weird thoughts also.  I was on Prozac years ago and it gave me horrible nightmares - so bad that I was afraid to fall asleep. Have you been to a psych doc lately.  There are so many new medications now with fewer side effects.  I am Geodon and have had good luck with it.  I am having to increase my dosage right now because I feel myself slipping away but I'm hopeful.  Hang in there and keep in touch...Luv...Lazy

New Member

Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 9/2/2006 9:16 PM (GMT -7)   

Hello Nitescribe,

I just read your message, and wanted to let you know you are not alone out there! There are alot of people out there including myself who are living with this disease, and it is nothing to be ashamed of, and that there is help out there! So don't give up or get discouraged!
 I myself am thinking about joining a support group or something or going to plan on seeing a psychologist to talk my feelings out with. I was diagnosed with ADD recently, and a mood disorder-not specified, but have always thought, and now especially think I may have bipolar disorder, as ADD and Bipolar disorder are said to go hand in hand.  This is a hard thing to deal with, most people don't even realize, but I think it is great that you are communicating with others and getting your feelings out there, and probably helping others! I know it helps me to know there are people out there who are dealing with the same issues. So I give you alot of credit for being honest about what you are going through, and sharing your story with others.
I also wanted to encourage you to see your Dr again, or don't be afraid to change Dr's either. And try different meds, they will not all give you the same bad side-effects! But I also can be very apprehensive with things in my life, I seem to be scared of everything! But I also am in the medical field, and I am glad for that because I think it gives me a little different perspective on things as far as this being simply a disease, and like the other person said, you would treat it like it were heart disease or something. We cannot blame ourselves for things that are not in our control. So all the more encouragement to you, I say get out there and talk to people, (I always feel better when I do) and don't worry about what they will think, they may be moodier than you!!  Best of Luck with Everything!!   

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1529
   Posted 9/3/2006 5:13 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Holly,

Welcome to HW! So commendable for you to step in straight away to help someone else.

Yes, I bet being in the medical field helps give you a different perspective, and I'm glad that you can see that this is simply a disease and that no blame should ever be attached to having it. You sound like a really positive and proactive person -- even though I bet at times you don't feel like it! Great to have you here bringing that to the group.

Have you talked to a psychiatrist about your suspicions about having bp? They seem generally more equipped to handle this diagnosis? -- though I agree that talking to a psychologist about your feelings could *really* help you. You clearly know how important diagnosis is for this if you're to be treated properly. Yes, ADD and bp can often come together -- though of course not always. What are the things that make you suspect bp? Anything you want to talk through here?

All best to you,
Rosie x

People are not like fish: they do not work better battered.

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded...


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