Having been there 3 times in the past 7 weeks, I can totally relate. I threatened to OD on Halloween. That landed me in a psych unit for a week. Then I really did OD on the 17th of November. I took a bunch of xanax, esgic plus, benadryl and I can't remember what else right now. That put me in the hospital overnight for observation and then they sent me home. We locked up all my meds in a fireproof safe and I have to ask my hubby for my pills. So I went to Walmart and bought Simply Sleep and Benadryl, then I OD'd on them on the 28th of November. That landed me in the ER and had to drink charcoal and some other crap. Yuck! I was in the ER for hours and then the doctor blue slipped me and back to the psych unit I went. I wasn't going to sign the paperwork to go. I called the doctor every name I could think of, I insulted him, I was a brat. I did not want to go back to the psych unit. I wanted to go home. I promised my hubby I'd be good and that I'd see my counselor 3 times a week if he let me go home. But by then it was out of his hands because of the blue slip from the doctor. I was pissed that my attempt didn't work. I was mad at myself for attempting again. I was just plain angry at everyone.
I've been on the survivor end too. I know how my family and friends would feel if I had succeeded. I had a boyfriend kill himself when I was 18 yrs old. He will have been gone 20 yrs in March. It was one of the most devastating things to ever happen in my life.
So now when I think of these acts, I'm trying to remember my friends and family. Do I want them to feel that same way? No, I don't. It's the most selfish act anyone can do. I KNOW this. But sometimes it doesn't make it any easier to deal with things, nor from wishing for things to happen to you.
You have so many people here in your corner. I know I do too. It helps to have this forum to come to and vent and have other "get it". Hang in there, I'm hanging on the branch next to you!
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference."
DX: ankylosing spondylitis, periferal neuropathy, chronic migraines/headaches, depression/panic attacks, bi-polar, hypothyroidism, hypoglycemia, sleep apnea
RX: synthroid, estradiol, cymbalta, prozac, geodon, lamictal, inderal la, klonopin, seroquel, imiprimine, aspirin, (relpax, phenergan, esgic plus, xanax, PRN for migraine)
Surgeries: hysterectomy 1997, tonsillectomy 2001, deviated septum 2005, cataracts (both eyes) 2006