Thank you all for your help and encouragement- I was feeling really down the other night when I wrote this and haven’t really even wanted to mention it to anyone for fear of people thinking I was rather, how shall we say, insane. It’s both terrifying and depressing to be in this situation, but you all have been so kind and helpful in reaching out to me, and it made me feel less alone, so I thank you for that. LadyDragonfly, the mention of flashbacks to previous lives doesn’t sound Crackers at all to me. While I don’t consciously believe I’ve had a past life, my very best friend, who suffers from anxiety and depression, whole-heartedly believes in past lives. I would never totally write it off, none of us know the big picture, as much as we’d like to think we do. I also would never discount witnessing something, however I don’t even see how I could have, and if I did, I must have been an infant! The EMDR therapy you underwent sounds absolutely terrifying, so that was very brave of you to do that. I can’t say for myself that I would be that brave, but I’m glad it helped you. I’m really very open-minded, I think there are a lot of different approaches to things, and I can’t afford to close potential doors to getting better. For now, I am going to tell my pdoc, whom I will be seeing on Tuesday. Ironically, I hadn't had the chance to tell her, as we were only meeting every 6 weeks, because I felt I wasn’t even sick anymore. Funny how that happens, isn’t it? Now it’s back with a vengeance.
Olivia, I’m sorry that you’ve had to suffer the same! I know the feeling of being terrified to go to sleep, of not being able to stay asleep, just awful. Thank you for understanding. I am sorry also that you had a tragedy happen to you. Oddly enough, I have never been diagnosed with PTSD, and I feel like no tragedy has ever occurred. I certainly have had difficulties, many of my friends have had serious problems, and my husband has severe panic disorder, and has gone on and off Paxil three times during the course of our relationship. I also forced myself to work (as a nutritionist for the WIC program) dealing with people face to face, many of them very belligerent, (clients AND coworkers, especially my boss), all while going through my first diagnosed bout of rapid cycling bipolar and while starting medications and therapy. I'm sure many of yo ucan appreciate how awful it is to try to work with people who openly don't like you or distrust you, all while battling crying spells, rages, depressions and manias within the same day or hour. I was actually first diagnosed during my career at WIC. For a while, I ignored it, thinking I was just being a big baby about my job and letting it get to me. But I also knew I had had depression and anxiety most of my life, so noticed it getting worse and sought help. That was pretty horrible. I also was anorexic from 13-17, and fully recovered. So I have had many difficulties in life, but feel like, how could I have PTSD? Despite having bad experiences, and experiencing absolutely unbearable emotional suffering, I know I do not even BEGIN to comprehend what it would be like to have something truly awful happen to me. I would never compare myself to a PTSD sufferer, because I know they have suffered even more. It’s a mystery to me why my brain creates these horrors, especially while heavily medicated with Klonopin, which used to seemingly stop the dreams altogether.
Graces Angel, I wish you the same peace as I wish everyone else, for that horrible suffering to end.
And smiler, thank you so much for the warm welcome, everyone has been so good to me, I only hope I can be a help to others too!
Best wishes to all,