I'm glad you're posting, even if you haven't gone to see someone yet. It takes a lot of courage and strength, and I know it can be discouraging if you don't find somebody good right away. As for your question about if you have dysmorphia, you mentioned that you do have anorexia, and having had it myself, I know that dysmorphia is one of the central features of it, where you look in the mirror and see something that, quite frankly no one else sees. Usually, you see all of your flaws magnified and thrown in your face, you think you're fat, you think you're ugly, you pick apart little things about yourself, but on such a huge scale that the end product is you seeing something that is sooo far from what other people see when they look at you. For me, it was thinking I was enormous when in fact I was skeletal. So I think dysmorphia is a big, glaring part of anorexia. I too had to have the scales taken away. For the first week, I cried and cried, it was like withdrawal. For my therapy, I had a dr who specialized in treatment of eating disorders, a psychiatrist, AND a dietitian who specialized in eating disorders. I had gone to other doctors and therapists who had no CLUE what it was like, and who in fact made it worse. One told me I wasn't really THAT skinny (I was 88 pounds), and why was I afraid to be fat anyway? If someone acts that way to you, they are not a good therapist, period, because they don't understand what you are going through. You say you hate talking about yourself. I know what that feels like too, because it took me YEARS to seek help for my bipolar, and only last year I began to see a therapist. Even now, I feel so much shame when I talk about myself, and cringe at the thought of being judged, and so I get a HORRIBLE red body rash that sometimes covers my neck and my face while I'm talking. I used to get it too while I was at work, while out and talking to people, it was a result of PANICKING that they were judging me. Believe it or not, I no longer worry so much about them judging my body, that used to be the case, later on, it switched to worrying about them judging my intelligence, and the way my face looks. Paranoid thoughts about what people must be thinking about me, even when it came to my good friends. I even once got the rash when talking to my parents because I was talking about my depression. I guess I just felt such self-hatred and shame that I was felt that any time I talked to someone about my feelings of depression or fear, or let myself be vulnerable that they too would begin to think, "Wow, no wonder she hates herself. I hate her too!" It's so weird to explain, but sounds like you have it too. One thing that helped TREMENDOUSLY was medication, but it took me years to resort to that. It does take a lot of courage to talk to someone about yourself when you hate yourself. You feel like no one will understand, no one wants to hear it, no one cares, you're probably just making a big deal out of it anyway, and that other people have worse problems. But the fact of the matter is, I can tell that you recognize your feelings, and a lot of people do not! I think the first step to getting better, and the HARDEST is facing your problems, and admitting them. Especially aloud. It's like, even if you're paying a therapist to so-called "judge" you and help you, that's like the final call of you putting yourself out there in front of somebody, and calling attention to what you despise about yourself, and what you feel ashamed about. But I can tell you, that after sitting in session after session of talking about my pain, with big, giant burning rashes on myself from the social anxiety, crazy as it sounds, it's been worth it. Ive found therapists that are so understanding, and have finally been able to move past a lot of that. You can too. I have faith that you'll get the courage to find someone, and like I said, it's important to have a friend or someone there with you, who could take you to appointments, who could talk to you, perhaps your fiance? Or do you feel like your fiance is overwhelmed? Having a friend to help you through the process of facing doctors and the outside world will take the sharp edge off of it and be a huge help to preventing you from giving up. In terms of the eating disorder, a DIETITIAN was actually far more helpful to me than the psychiatrist I was seeing. She was the first person I felt didn't sit and stare and judge me. She was warm, and friendly, and understood me. If you try to find one in your area that specializes in nutrition, they can often give you practical advice along with understanding so you don't fall flat when you're at home, once again facing the horrible feelings. When I began eating normally again, a lot of the dysmorphia went away. That takes a while, but if you gain weight at some point, you'll find the dysmorphia becomes a little better. And you get some relief from those habits of staring into the mirror. At the time you feel like it makes you feel better, but it is really just a big burden that chains you down. Eating disorders seem like your friend, that's why they're impossible to fight alone. Anyway, I hope I don't sound preachy, because I'm far from judgmental. I'm just so happy you're posting with this and want so much for you to pursue treatment because you are a very valuable person. Even if you don't pursue treatment right away, it's great that you are posting, because other people really DO care. I am finishing my master's to become a dietitian hoping to specialize in the treatment of eating disorders as we speak. I don't know if I'll be any good, but I care deeply, and I know there are a lot of people and organizations out there that do. It's also really helpful to find a group of people who have had and recovered from these things. It helps curb the feelings of isolation. I wish you ALL the best, and keep posting. Again, sorry for being so long-winded. I hope I'm not scaring you off with my verbosity, I just know how this feels, its like I see myself in your posts and I just want to reach out to you because I know how it feels, and I also know that there IS hope, something I did not feel at all when I was deeply in it. Keep posting and have a great night.