Making long term commitments

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New Member

Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 5/9/2007 6:43 PM (GMT -7)   
I have been married for two years.  My wife was untreated when we started dating and has since gone through the normal cycle of being misdiagnosed and treated with the wrong medications and then being properly diagnosed and treated.  A year and a half ago she went into a severe depression and quit her job without telling me.  I understood that she was depressed but I didn't think she had stopped functioning.  She spent the next four months recovering and then found a job that she has held for more than a year.  She is also a part time student in a prestigious grad school program and while stressed as anyone would be she seems well.
I have a few questions for anyone out there though.  First, she is not overly happy or exciteable.  She does not seem to be interested in many things.  She still reads, hikes a bit, and gets a craft project every once in a while, but she is mostly indifferent to everything.  Is this normal?  Has anyone experienced this and found ways to deal with it?  I'm trying to encourage her to be more physically active and I'm hoping she will find something to get excited about but I'm not sure what else to do.
Next, I had long term goals that would require me to stop working and go back to school full time.  I currently work for a company that all but gurantees lifetime employment and I know that at any time I should be able to pay the bills with my salary.  Right now I feel like I'm just waiting for the next episode, for the shoe to drop and she isn't able to work for awhile.  I don't know how to commit to an intense 3 year program that would require me to put school first even if she wasn't doing well when seemingly at any time she could stop functioning.  This must be a theme for family members out there but I'm just not sure what to do.  I feel very selfish even considering  going to school when I have a responsibility and a commitment to my wife.
Any input would be appreciated.

Post Edited (confussed) : 5/10/2007 9:40:05 AM (GMT-6)

Regular Member

Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 38
   Posted 5/10/2007 8:11 AM (GMT -7)   


My heart goes out to you.  I have no advice for you. 

I am married to a bipolar man who has yet to become stable for any period of time.  I cannot really plan days in advance, much less weeks.  His first symptom is always impatience and agitation.  When I see this, I change all plans.  I will vacation alone in a few weeks.  I'm not about to get off far away and have a disaster due to his problem.  Several of his bad spells have started in a vehicle.  I will not embark on building a house with him, ever.  We had planned this before we got married.  I wouldn't mind having foster children, but that is clearly out of the question.  My whole life has come to revolve around his illness.  He was a complete zombie at my niece's wedding reception last month.  He had never met any of the people and he made a horrible impression.  At least he didn't get agitated.

Try to work out something that works.  I hope that I didn't discourage you too much. APG

New Member

Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 5/10/2007 8:36 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks for the reply.  It does seem to just hang out there as a cloud.  I feel terrible living that way because it could be months or years before another problem but part of me lives like the next issue will be tomorrow.  I'm not discouraged. I'm just not sure what's best for us as well as good for her.

Post Edited (confussed) : 5/10/2007 9:44:06 AM (GMT-6)

Charity F
Regular Member

Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 130
   Posted 5/14/2007 10:42 PM (GMT -7)   

Blessings and welcome.
 I was wondering if you two were planning on having children? and I was wondering if she has maybe some hormonal inbalances too, or pain that she struggles with?
I think you should return to school as you had dreamed; you obviously married to share your life with her. I'd have a talk with her and tell her you dream of going back to school to do ___ to better your lives together. Tell her you are devoted to her and she and yourself are your NO 2 priority in life. Ask her if that would bother her. I believe you can still be there for her. Giving up your own dreams could cause her more depression. Maybe she needs to feel more needed and more "connected". Try "connecting" with her more. Make time each day JUST for her. Tell her how much you love her. Ask her if she would like to do a special class together, etc.
She needs you yes, but you needing her gives her purpose too; purpose I believe gives our lives meaning.
I live with chronic pain and I have thought a lot about universal suffering: physical, emotional, psychological, social etc...and it's tough to be wrestling demons daily.
I hope I have not sounded callous. I pray your wife finds her way out of her darkness, my mother has lived with depression for 46 years but she's STILL HERE! she lives as if God has a purpose for her life. ALSO "When we go outside of self it's where we FIND OUR TRUE JOY and meaning" help her find that...
You are a devoted husband.
Charity Faith

Regular Member

Date Joined Mar 2007
Total Posts : 29
   Posted 5/28/2007 8:30 AM (GMT -7)   
Good Luck. If in time she doesnt grow with you, and take care of her end, then keep moving on with out her. As care givers- we have to stop enabling our partners to control our lives, or you will go insane!
Must give bp spouses the challenge to learn to care for themselves- your commentment will always be there, but you cant give up your future.
It will work out if your wife shows the ability to take control of her illness. It takes teamwork
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