Post Edited (mogli) : 8/9/2007 10:52:07 AM (GMT-6)
Ellie, Dutchie, Honey Bee--
You are all sweethearts for reaching out to me today. I needed it, so thank you from my whole heart.
My bf came home from work today looking just as depressed as I was. We both sent emails to each other today while he was at work saying "I love you." But when he got home, he was sad like me. He's playing baseball right now. Just before I dropped him off at ball, we talked. Dutchie, you know from what I've said that he loves me deeply; I can still say that. We talked about what happened last night, what's been happening. I did tell him that I don't want to be yelled at anymore, I am tired of fighting. What's really going on is that when he does something wrong, he gets angry with me. I didn't say that to him word for word, but I did tell him that I felt he had no reason to be angry with me last night-b/c he was the one that did something wrong. I just don't want to not stand up for myself.
Honey Bee & Dutchie-you definitely could be right about how he was feeling when I was so happy yesterday. And to be honest, I would understand that if that's how he was feeling. Ellie, I was definitely thinking about your advice even before I read it. Getting away, staying with my Dad or something. Or staying with my sister, since she needs someone now too. But I know I would want to come back to him...I don't like being away from him. But I think that was truly sound advice, and maybe I should try to do that sometime, so thank you.
My bf hugged me and kissed me and asked if we could start over tonight. I hope we can just be the amazing couple we are. There are always going to be troubles, but we really are amazing together. We love each other so much, and there is no way that either one of us is going to give up or even wants to.
Today was just so extremely hard b/c of course this was a major stressor that triggered symptoms. Thank you all so much for taking time for me today. You're all in my thoughts.
Dutchie, hang in there. Post if you need comfort. I'll be online tomorrow watching for you. I am thinking of you.
Last couple of days have been pure exhausting. Friday I was non-stop busy, and same with yesterday. So, I am really really tired.
I had counselling on Friday, and told my counsellor everything about my bf yelling at me during fights, and that I'm tired of being yelled at, and always being the "scapegoat" as she called it, for him whenever he does something wrong. She told me "you're in an abusive relationship, you realize this?"..."he's bullying you"...That was all hard to hear. I was in an abusive relationship before him (physically and emotionally) so to even consider that this relationship is abusive was really hard for me to accept. There are many different degrees of abuse, and yes when he's yelling at me I feel it a bit. I feel it with the anger.
So, my counsellor told me to leave the house the next time we fight and he starts yelling. She told me to make it clear to him "you're yelling at me, so I am going to leave for half an hour, then I'm going to come back. If you start yelling again when I come back, I will leave again for another half hour...etc". She said this would be helping him as well as myself. So we'll see...I'm definitely going to try it.
My bf has been great to me the last couple of days. I love him. I just hope we can get through this all. I hate feeling sad, and confused; especially while trying to battle my sypmtoms. It's been extremely hard managing my mood lately. I don't feel so great today.
Anyway, thank you for all of your support. I start school on Tuesday (2 days) and yes, that will bring balance, and hopefully some peace.
Thanks for taking the time to post for me. I am trying to have as much faith as I can that things are going to get better between me and my bf. These fights that we've been having lately have been hard, but neither one of us wants to give up. I believe he will realize how much the yelling hurts me and that he'll stop, and I think me leaving the house when it happens will make that process easier.
Yesterday I was a mess. My mood was pretty low and I was trying really hard to fight it, not let it get out of control. But the irritability got the best of me a few times, I was even crying off and on--and my bf was pretty supportive. I kept apologizing for my symtpoms and communicating with him that what was happening was indeed, symptoms, that were really intense for me yesterday. I think he understood that actually.
Tomorrow is my first day of school. I just know this is going to be a great change for me. My bf feels the same way, and cannot wait to see me feeling better. We are sure it's going to help me feel a bit better, maybe a lot better. We talked yesterday about how my symptoms are going to make things challenging for me (concentration on studying, getting tired, maybe some stress w/marks and exams); but all in all we both feel it's going to be very positive. I have been in this house (trying and doing okay at keeping busy) since January. So, tomorrow has been a long time coming. I am excited, I get to wear hospital scrubs everyday at school (my program is Medical Office Assistant) and the scrubs are mandatory. I went and picked up my first pair on Friday, and they look awesome! So excited....I will keep everyone updated.
Anyway, thanks again for your support. I was glad to read about Dutchie and your girls yesterday as well. It was really nice to read. Take care of each other. Hope you are doing well today.
Hi Guys--I have been so busy with school and stuff, I am exhausted!
SnowyLynne--Thank you for your post. My relationship with my bf is a wonderful one, really. Yes, he yells at me when we have big fights, and if it doesn't stop then we will take the next step, whatever that might be. If he was calling me names, or if he was hitting me, I would not stay for a second. It doesn't mean the yelling is okay, but it does mean that we can work on this. He knows it's awful and I know we'll get through this. So I will be staying with him, we love each other.
Dutchie & LFW--I did manage to read your posts after I was home from my first day of school, so I was super touched that you guys thought to write me on that day. Thank you. Both of you had such thoughtful things to say about me and my bf as well, I appreciate that. We have actually been talking a lot, he's been encouraging me to talk to him when something is bothering me. We haven't had any fights lately. He did say he has issues (bottling up his stresses and issues, then taking it out on me) and that he wants to fix them; work on them. Right now, school and my health have taken up the number one spot on my priority list. I am suffering already from lack of sleep. So this relationship stuff is going to have to get better, 'cause I have a lot to do. And I know we will get better with time, and talking. And some counselling. He may go back into couselling sometime. That is something he has to want to do. Anyway, I have to go lay down for a bit. You are both in my thoughts, take care.