Thanks for taking the time to read this. I'll try not to make it too confusing and long. I just have a few questions and wonder if anyone has any advice for me.
I'm a 24 year old single female living in my first apartment with a best friend. I self diagnosed myself with bipolar back when I was around... 11 or 12 years old, but finally had the chance to see a counselor and was diagnosed by a professional two years ago in October. I've been on Depakote ER since then from having mixed, hypomanic depressed episodes with high levels of anxiety. I also take xanax every once in a while to help me sleep.
When I was younger, I spend some time in the hospital for a bladder problem and was always afraid of doctors and uncomfortable around men in general after that. Well, not in general as is friend-wise or teachers. But I had a hard time with male doctors and I never dated all the way through high school. I went to a private high school and lived away from home on campus in their dorms where I met a new best friend who within months of the start of my junior year, became my girlfriend. Our school and church are very anti-homosexual and that is something I have struggled with my whole life. I was never quite sure if I was or if it just had something to do with having nightmares about my experiences with male doctors when I was younger. I was only 16 when this friend and I began a secret relationship that we continued for almost two years. She broke it off with me when I graduated high school and she was married to a man two years later. A year after that she told me that even though she had loved me, she had never felt that attracted to me and regretted our whole relationship. The year before we were secretly together, she had been having a relationship with a teacher at her previous school and said that she was thinking of Him the whole time she was physically involved with me.
I have dated men since then and even had a very nice boyfriend even though it only lasted 3 months. I couldn't get used to him wanting to kiss me. He was very respectful and didn't mind taking things slow, but after a while, I told him I just wanted to be friends. I never mentioned all of this or told him that I still at times struggle with my sexuality. I don't agree with hiomosexuality personally for my own life, but think other's should be able to make up their own mind about how they live their lives.
Basically.... I am dating a nice guy now and I even kissed him twice which is a big deal for me considering I'm 24 and this is the first guy I've kissed. He's sweet and a good person, but I can't get comfortable around him.... I am hoping it's just because I find him more of a "friend" prospect than a serious relationship potential guy, but I'm afraid I'll never find a man willing to be with someone as messed up as me. I want to eventually marry a man and have children, but every time I start dating someone, even casually, I can't stop thinking about my first girlfriend and how comfortable I felt around her. I was never physically nervous around her and I just want to meet a guy I can feel like myself around...
Sorry I blabbed all that for so long. Thanks again to anyone who might have read that. If anyone has any thoughts or advice to share, I would really appreciate it.