I wanted to do the consolidation loan, but without an income, there's no chance of it. My wife did take one out earlier this week, though, but on 1000 a month, with 600 bucks monthly in rent, we're really limited in money that can be used for anything else.
All my life I've always had this really strong belief that no matter what happened, I'd be okay. My parents both make good money (about 120K a year) and I haven't really been required to "make it on my own" ever. My mom was always able to bail me out if I got in the slightest trouble. Now I'm in serious trouble, and really friggin worried. She's just finally paid off her credit cards that were mostly racked up because of me, and I can't ask her to help me out again. I mean, I'm married now.
I found out my credit rating the other day, though. 740-something. Incredible right? Not for long! It's a good thing we consolidated her part of the loan before my credit tanked. An odd thing, though, is that when they checked it, not single dime from my credit card showed up. It's a card I took out to help get my small business going better, but has ended up keeping me more alive than anything.
Any idea if emergency room bills can be used against your credit? If they can, I'm really, really in trouble if I don't get SSI and or Medicare (which I believe, if I read right) would pay medical expenses back about 3 months from the initial application date.
I keep looking for work, but I have no idea if I could even do it for very long, to be honest. I don't go 3 months without ending up suicidally depressed or manic to some degree. I have never managed to keep a job for more than a year, except once because of their massive understanding by allowing me to perform incredibly basic tasks (putting books in order, putting them on the shelf) and to work when I was able to. I told them I was absent because my elbow injury (which was indeed a factor, but not the sole or even main cause, and is now 80-90% better), though I once had to take a week or two off last summer when I was manic and a bit psychotic.
Besides that, I my average term of employment was probably 4 months, and those that went longer invariably had a period where I had to take time off because I was too ill to work.
I'm really frustrated. I'm at my last breath financially, unable to find any work since February, depressed, panic-y and having bits of paranoia. I've convinced myself a man is stalking me so I'm leaving notes on my door to my wife saying I'm going to be gone for X length of time and haven't left the house besides to hit a drive through or take the dog outside in days. I can't figure out if it I'm right or wrong. My wife thinks probably not, but admits I have a fair point, though she constantly reminds me that I'm prone to paranoia. That doesn't help, btw. Yesterday, though, when there was a knock at the door, I locked myself in a closet and loaded 4 guns placed in 4 carefully hidden locations so that if the stalker broke in I'd be able to grab one from any position and scare him out, and if it was someone else (a cop for instance- I'm always paranoid they're following me; it's a long-running concern of mine) they'd remain unseen and not cause me a problem. I made sure I'd have enough time to ascertain who it was before making any drastic moves. It seems odd to me (now) and my wife that I'd be so considerate of a stalker's safety (since it'd be really unlikely anyone else would enter without permission). I come from a very libertarian background, though. Thinking about it, my first word was actually "gun" and loaded guns in the house for protection has never been an unusual thing for me- as long as young children aren't around (I think that was after I turned 13).
But now I'm really worried about the SSI process. I'm worried that I'm going to have a hard time getting approved (whether or less on the initial attempt) because I'm not slow intellectually. My IQ tested pretty high (I forget if it was 135 or 145), and I've always been able to excel at learning things. I fail horribly at talking under the slightest pressure- even just trying to carry on a conversation with my wife in the car is exhausting because I continually forget everything mid-sentence and need to be helped in order to get back on track, only to lose it a few minutes later. Personally, I think it's a permanent side-effect of Topomax. I never even managed to stay on Topomax long, because of the cognitive deficits it left me with, but no one gave me any indication it'd last years later.
Reading Wisconsin's Disability Determination guidelines, there's no doubt I easily meet it (under Affective Disorder, anyway), but I when I read that less than 35% of initial applications are approved, that's pretty scary. I don't know if I can handle the stress of this process.
I know I'm really ranting now. I think I'm stuck in a "mixed mood" where all I can do is feel bad for myself, but feel like I have a lot of energy to complain about it. If there was a points system here, I'd give anyone who reached this sentence as many as I could.
I'm worrying about everything. From my doctors thinking I'm "too healthy" (though with 2 hospitalizations, ~2 years worth of serious depression and more week-long manias than I can count in the last 5 years that seems unlikely) to a stalker to credit card bills, it's no wonder I'm froze.
It seems counter-intuitive that people with mental illness have to work so hard to SSI by proving that they're ill when all our lives we've worked so hard to prove the opposite.
Two weeks ago when I was seriously suicidal I couldn't even go into a hospital because there was no way I could have possibly afforded it. It makes me wonder how many people don't have a wife to make it impossible for them and end up going through with it.
I don't know if what I'm writing even makes sense but I *HAVE* to write something somewhere for someone to read. Lot of "some-s" there, huh? I do know that this sounds really scattered. I keep going through it and editing it and now I think I've spent 2 hours trying to write this. 3 if you include what I had written before Netscape crashed and I lost what I'd written.
On top of this, I'm prescribed Lunesta for sleep which does a decent job, but even with it it takes me more than an hour to actually fall asleep and leaves me with no memory from the moment I take it until I wake up. One night maybe a month ago I took my first dose and laid down for sleep. It kicks in after about 20 minutes. I don't remember doing anything but laying down that night, but my wife assures me I got up and kept taking another tablet every half hour or so. I would never, ever consider doing this ordinarily. If she hadn't been around I probably would have polished off a months supply in that night. Fortunately she hid it on me after 3 extra tablets and says I fell asleep about 45 minutes after that. I guess there's a phenomena associated with sleeping pills where after the effects of the first one kick in, the patient forgets having taken it and takes another... and again and again. I forget what it's called. So now I keep that bottle hidden. I've been prescribed other meds for sleep, like Diazepam and Lorazepam and never had anything like that happen before. Really weird. Apparently I also insisted on cooking that night and made a rice-salsa-garlic salt- bay leaf- cinnamon combination and a pudding from 6 packets of hot cocoa and milk. I don't know if I ever ate either of those, but the "pudding" is still in my fridge after almost 2 months for some reason.
Plus, I have a huge anxiety with other people's noise. Typing, music, eating, tapping, clicking, teeth-brushing, etc. My neighbors have recently been playing their music loadly and I get so ANGRY. I can't explain how angry I get. Annoyed wouldn't begin to cover it.
Lately I've started hearing the thump-thump-thumping when no one is home to make it. It comes and goes, but my wife knows it isn't there. I know it isn't really there, too, I guess. It just makes me so angry, though. I can't relax for a second because it might come back. It doesn't matter how impossible it is for me to hear it- turn the air conditioner on high, T.V. to 40 (usually I keep it at 10-15 on this T.V.), go into the room opposite the wall I share with this neighbor, close the door, turn on that T.V. and a fan. Even then I find myself searching for the sound and constantly finding it.
I suppose that's some sort of obsession or maybe a compulsion. I dunno. What it is is really, really annoying. Yesterday, when all that failed, I went and took a bath and used the shower to fill the tub (it's louder) and turned the bathroom fan on, plus my dryer.
I don't know what to do!!!!
I refuse to take antipsychotics 99% of the time, aside from very sporadic doses of Seroquel (usually 10-25mg). I guess because spending 16 and 17 on them, and high doses, I'm quite afraid.
I should probably quit writing this before I have included every single aspect of my life and problems. I hope someone can possibly get through this without dying of boredom.
does anyone know of a decent SSDI/SSI website geared towards lunatics like me?
edit: Actually I made a mistake. I spent 5 hours writing this, and 6 if I include the version I lost.