Wow--I could not agree more with what you have said Footballfan. Believe me. I was in an abusive (physical & emotional) relantionship before this one, and my sister is currently in one, along with my best friend. So, I hope you believe me when I tell you that I will be the first one to acknowledge the abuse in my relationship. Sure, it's not the same abuse I've experienced in the past, or that my sister and best friend are experiencing now, but it's abusive behaviour and I will not for one second make excuses, or be in denial about it.
My bf also last week, for the first time came to me and told me he took a test about being abusive, and that as a result of this test and from what he has done, he feels he has been abusive to me. I am glad this happened. I know a lot about abuse, and there was no way I could go to him and tell him "hey you are being abusive" b/c he would go on the defense and we would never get anywhere. I needed him to realize this himself. Seriously. That is critical. Now, that can be tricky too. B/c some abusers can say this just for say, but I do know my bf, and this has devastated him. We talked about where this might be coming from etc... He wants to change this. I was honest and told him that I'm not sure he can do this without help from a therapist. We talked a lot about this and have made one decision so far...From now on when things get heated in an arguement, if he gets/feels angry, then he is going to go for a walk. This was a bit of an issue in the past b/c I didn't want to be left alone in the house during such an emotional time. So we've made the deal that he will go for a walk, take his time to cool down, but he will come back to the house. And if when he gets here he's not ready to continute talking then we're going to keep space in the house for even more cool down time, and then we will talk. While I don't think this is the total solution, I do think it's a step in the right direction.
Now, your rollercoaster theory--also could not be more correct. That is exactly how I feel. For one thing, my illness is a rollercoaster, and I definitely without question feel that my relationship mirrors the coaster completely. That is something that I not only want to stop, but need to stop. That is something that I think we are going to have to seek help together for. And we will. My appointment to find new counselling is on the 25th of this month. My bf will go with me to counselling. As to counselling for his own issues, again, I'm not going to push it b/c he'll pull back, but he does know how I feel, and I will bring it up again maybe once we're in counselling together.
So, please, don't feel bad or apologize. You are very right in what you are saying. He's either in this with me or he's not. I know he wants to be, I understand though, that it's not easy. Footballfan, it would be easier for him if he would deal with his own issues, I guess I just don't know how to get him to do that, b/c I know that's impossible. You can't make anyone do go into therapy for their problems. It is something they must decide to do on their own. I love my bf so much. And I know he wants to be there for me. I want to give him the chance to do that. And he has been there for me. I cannot say he hasn't.
Anyway, thank you for posting your message. I am looking forward to school this week, I am feeling better and instead of focusing on the crash, I will focus on that. Thank you for the encouragement.
LFW, thank you for your support as well. I want my bf to do the work he needs to do as well, for himself, for me and for both of us as a couple.
Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
--Currently not on meds for bp--