Hi there RunFast
So sorry to here that things are so bad at the moment for you, I hope you feel better for joining this forum there are lots of very kind and knowledgeable people on it.
You have done a good thing in posting here, believe me noone will think bad of you or judge you on here. It is a good place as people will completely get where you are coming from and hope you feel better just for venting how you currently feel. As a BP spouse myself (21 years and counting) my hubbie has had many terrible episodes, both highs and lows so I get where you are coming from, we have had some truly awful times some of which I never thought he would come out of, including his last period of depression which has lasted over 7 months with a considerable period of that he was suicidal.
It sounds like you have been doing a great job, especially considering you have children to deal with (we don't out of choice mainly due to the BP). I cannot imagine how hard it is to factor in their needs as well and like you say it is like having another child instead of an equal partner in the relationship. You feel bad that you didn't sign up for this but sometimes just want an ordinary life, I get that.
It is a totally frustrating disorder in that you have it for life, although it can be manageable for large periods of time of course given the right meds, therapy treatment etc. I have been told by the doc that in fact it does get worse with age as the bad experiences mount up, the brain chemistry deteriorates and you find that you are less able to deal with it. This is surprising as you would think that the older you get the more mature and better you get at dealing with the BP but this is not the case. You will read the same stories on here from people about
how hard it is to get the combination of meds right and then there effect may not last so you can get more frustrated as time goes on and actually feel IMO that you are making less progress not more over time.
The threat of suicide in that his words "wouldn't go alone" sound a little worrying to me. Obviously you know him well and sound sure that he is just making a threat but I wonder if it is worth talking to his doc about
this. Do you go with him ever to his appointments? You don't mention how long his recent period of depression has been but maybe it is time to intervene again. Obviously the current meds are not making much difference and I know from our experience that it is easy to leave it too long and think (and hope) that tomorrow will be different and the mood will lift. But again if he has been in hospital before it sounds like he is in a bad way currently. How involved are you with his doc, do you think there is anything else you can do? I am sure you feel like it is all too much at the moment and can't go another week but you will know that it DOES pass if he has been through many cycles before. Is there any possibility of changing docs if you don't feel like they are helping/interested enough anymore. Maybe a fresh approach and view from someone else would help?
I can see why you want to get away as it must be hard for your kids to see their dad this way and you are right it will have a bad impact on them over time can see why you are worried. My hubbie's father was undiagnosed BP as are his 2 sisters and their household was hell for most of the time he lived at home and it had a massive effect on his life.
Obviously the BP isn't his fault but if he is making no attempt to seek help currently and has stopped going to his meetings that won't be helpful. Are you able to sit down when his mood is slightly better and have a serious talk to him or are you seriously thinking that you want out (and I am sure noone would blame you for this). I think one of the things BP spouses seem bad at in general is looking after and out for themselves (IMO).
You will know from your past experiences with him but would he be better being admitted into hospital again. I know this means that you will still have all the chores, kids, responsibility etc. but at least it will give you a break from him and a bit of peace and quiet, less pressure to really think about
what you want for the future?
Finally, sorry for the long post and these are just my quick thoughts but once again, DO NOT FEEL BAD about
your feelings, like can be hell sometimes and you often just want the problem to go away even when it can be someone you love deeply.
Post Edited (Honey Bee) : 9/12/2007 2:56:13 AM (GMT-6)