New Member (Bipolar supporter) says "Thanks!"

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Regular Member

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 187
   Posted 9/21/2007 5:34 PM (GMT -7)   
I am a bp supporter and am new to this site. My boyfriend of 3 1/2 years was diagnosed with bp several months ago. Due to his frustration in finding the right meds, he is off his meds, drinking and rapid cycling. He wasn't working for months prior, or bringing money into the home (because of drinking and depression), so I asked him to leave. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, but if he wasn't going to take his diagnosis and mental health seriously, I could no longer enable him. He is now living in his dad's basement and thinks I betrayed him. I had hoped he would do the hard thing and get back to therapy and meds in order to come home again, but he has pushed me farther away than ever.

Now he says he wants me out of his life forever and he wants to move on and start over with someone else, he wants a "fresh start".

I love him very much, and I have been hurt repeatedly by his "push and pull" tendencies. There have been terrible fights and such pain. I was so distraught until I came across this website today. I have gained so much insight into what might be going through his mind while in his mania. It has helped me to not hate him, but the disease, and to not take things personally. I have gained so much strength and conviction by reading the inspirational posts from bp's and supporters. Thanks to all of you for being so open and honest. You have helped me more than you will ever know.
New Bipolar Supporter

Veteran Member

Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 1441
   Posted 9/21/2007 6:27 PM (GMT -7)   

Hi Casem,

I'm really glad you found us and were able to do some research on what bipolar is and how difficult it can be to manage and for you... most importantly,  to be able to find the support that you need to live with someone who has bipolar.

You will find all these answers as you search through our forum.  There are people here who live with bipolar, struggle with the ups and downs of bipolar and those that live with people who have bipolar. I am sure some will add to what I want to share with you.

I have bipolar and know how difficult it is to treat but I have learned that I need to manage my illness with medications prescribed by my psychiatrist and to see my therapist regularly.

What I have learned from this forum the most is the difficulties that arise from those that have to live with us. The ones we love... our spouses, our children, ect.

I have learned that they too need to take special care of themselves! They cannot be expected to just deal with the effects of our bi-polar symptoms that most of time come out lashing at them.  That they need to take a stand for themselves too! One of the best ways of dealing with a bipolar patient that is not managing their own health is to make them aware of what they need to be doing to get well. #1 Get under a psychiatrist's care and to be diligent about taking their meds. If they refuse that, then you are unable to help them. You could only encourage them to take the right steps and show your support but you don't have live with them especially if they are abusing you verbally or physically. No one needs to put up with that.

I am glad that you have asked him to leave. Now you need to lay your cards on the table and tell him what he needs to do for himself before you will consider supporting him any further.

I don't have all the right words....I have bi-polar and I know what I have to do to continue on a healthy path but like I said, I have learned/realized what it is like for those living with us and my heart goes out to them for staying put and supporting us through all of this. But this couldn't have happened, if I was not ready to actively take a part in it.

Keep checking back for more responses to your post. I know there are  many members that totally understand where you are at right now and can offer you some smart advise.

I am glad you are starting to understand what it is like for us who live with bi-polar illness. I am also glad that you are learning to take good care of yourself in the process.

We are here for you.


Crohns Disease-Remicade since 1999, Methotrexate
Fibromyalgia & Arthritis
Bipolar & Panic/Anxiety-Trileptal, Xanax, Trazadone, Wellbutrin

Veteran Member

Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 9/21/2007 6:42 PM (GMT -7)   

Welcome to the site Casem. I'm glad it's been helpful so far. Feel free to fire away with questions if you have any.

Ask me about my Bipolar Disorder!

Regular Member

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 187
   Posted 9/22/2007 10:26 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you both so much for your honest, kind words. I woke up feeling very lonely and hopeless and already feel a bit better.

When he first was diagnosed, I went to all of his doctor's appts. with him to learn and support, but also to explain the details of what goes on day to day. I kept in touch with his doctors to inform them of any drinking binges or issues with meds. He tried seroquel, abilify, lamictal...none of which he could tolerate in addition to his existing effexor. I think he was so upset by the diagnosis, he was in denial about truly having a problem and didn't want "to be on meds the rest of his life". He has actually said that he thinks if he tries really hard, he can manage it himself.

Now his dad and I talk regularly to help eachother and try to keep informed. He would tell his dad one thing and me another about his work, meds, drinking, bills, etc. When he found out we were talking, he accused me of trying to control him and that I have betrayed him again and again.

I kow I can't help him if he doesn't want help. But I can't even desribe the pain I feel now that he has said that too much has happened and he is not in love with me any more. He actually told me this week that he met someone on line and he wants to fresh start to make a relationship work with her. (He was drinking for three days before that discussion!)

Even after I asked him to leave, we talk regularly (every day, several times a day) and I try to support him.

Oh...did I mention he has (3) young sons from his previous marriage! His ex-wife and I have spoken on many occasions and she and I get along to the extent we are both aware of his issues and want the best for the boys. I tried everything I could for this to be a safe, loving environment for them.

I feel like I could have done something different. Was I too controlling? Too pushy with his care? The fact that he hasn't called at all since Monday makes me think he wasn't in mania, but sincerely doesn't love me anymore. How do you know what is a sincere emotion and truthful and what is said in a bout of mania?

I feel like I am going crazy sometimes.......
New Bipolar Supporter

olivia of course
Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1523
   Posted 9/22/2007 9:32 PM (GMT -7)   


I wanted to welcome you to the HW family and the Bipolar Forum.  I am and happy you found us and are finding the support you are looking for here.  Again, welcome.

Moderator, Bipolar
Dx:  Bipolar I, Anxiety-Panic Disorder
Support HealingWell:
"Don't let your yesterday, ruin your today"

Regular Member

Date Joined Aug 2007
Total Posts : 40
   Posted 9/23/2007 11:31 AM (GMT -7)   
I was reading your post and felt the similarities right away.  I posted on here a few months ago as I have been having similar issues with my Husband who has not been diagnosed with anything as I cannot get him to a dr.   
But the "push and pull" tendencies are the HARDEST thing that I am dealing with.   I asked My husband to Move out in may and he has come several times to tell me he loves me and wants to come home only to turn around and disapear on a "road Trip" and not be heard from for a  few days.... 
I started reading this site... I got Tough.... I kept repeating myself like a broken record telling him over and over again that he needs help and He can't come home till he gets it.... I learned from the people here how badley he was manipulating me. A concept I hadn't even considered before.  I have also started my own theapy, for my own self-esteem (Which I always thought was pretty high) 
Lately he's been great, with our boys, coming over and Helping out around the house and calling and hasn't lashed out with angry words for a few weeks.   But He still has not gone to the Dr. and  he will not be allowed to move home untill he does so....
Stay Strong and know your not alone.....    

Regular Member

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 187
   Posted 9/23/2007 11:49 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you for sharing with me. I agree with you that I never understood the manipulation until reading this site. As I look back, it is so true.

Michael would say he was going to work, but really go to a hotel and drink all day (not to mention the **** and chat lines). At the beginning, I used to try to find him, track him down, and beg him to come home. Our fights would be terrible, and afterward he would cry and cry and be so remorseful. At first, I thought it was only alcoholism, but the anger and mood swings were unmistakeable.

And now that I have removed all of the "support", which really enabled him to continue to behave the way he did, it's almost as if he has no use for me. I stopped loaning him money, or paying his bills, I stopped lying for him about missing work, I even stopped letting him use my car, when his was out of gas. I am very glad that I asked him to leave because he wasn't contributing (monetarily and otherwise), but I just can't get passed the fact that he just stopped trying to be with me. Like I said in an earlier post, I thought he loved me enough to get his s..t together. I am learning, slowly but surely, that bp never follows a script, and just when I think I can control the situation.....I get knocked on my butt. I am really trying to take every piece of advice everyone has given me, and only try to control myself and my actions.

I am glad for you that your husband is making an effort, and I also pray he goes to the doctor for stable, long term care. It must be a good feeling to know you are making the right decision by putting you and your boys first.

Thanks for being there.....
New Bipolar Supporter

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