Casem, I am glad your day went well. You took great care of yourself and that is a wonderful thing.
The questions that keep running in your mind are not crazy on your part...they are called human nature. However (and here is the tricky part), YOU have to consciously decide how much value, or brain time you are willing to invest in them. Here's what I mean...You already know the answers, they are not going to change, you were involved with a BP man (knowing it at first or not), you invested 3 1/2 years of your life and love, his condition was identified, he ran from it instead of embracing it, finding balance and overcoming it. With this dx he included running from you too as he can not longer be in hiding about it with you. Therefore, he has done and said anything he has to in order to justify his actions and fears, along with punish you for knowing the truth about him and making you bad and wrong in the process. Now…you can play the game in your head about will he or won't he one day be better with someone else and give all the "goodies" to her...and here's the truth...it doesn’t matter…and most likely NO. But, if he ever did, what you need to know is, it won't be tomorrow, it won't be next week or even this year, or next. He has a long road to wellness to climb. When the person runs in the opposite direction of something like this, then they end up putting further distance from their wellness and make the road harder for themselves in the end - IF THEY EVER EVEN DO IT. He will now seek people who will be vulnerable and manipulatable to be able to "hide out" from. AND - trust me if he is REALLY engaged in any relationship right now, it would be about hiding, blame, ultimately abuse no matter how it looks on the outside....etc; Nothing real, nothing lasting.
Ask yourself this, if you knew that in 3 or 5 years time he would stop running, get responsible, but between now and then you were put through ABSOLITE HELL, betrayed, lied to, blamed, abused, neglected, your needs never met..etc. Would you want to wait it out knowing that even though he may find some balance, a life with a BP like this would be a life of ups and downs with no assurances that there wouldn't be more bouts of that same 3-5 years of HELL over and over again? Is that the life your want for YOURSELF? If the answer is NO (which I would hope it would be) then don’t waste any energy of your wonderful precious life on the, “what if’s, if only, will he?????”, stuff. YOU detach, look realistically at the situation and YOU OPT OUT. Don’t wait for him to decide that. YOU decide it for yourself. Then, what he does or doesn’t do is no longer of consequence to you. Does that make sense? Then you are truly free to get on with your life.
Prior to marriage I had 2 long term relationships. The first ended truthfully. It hurt like hell, but it had integrity. The second was a “hiding out” set up. He was not a BP, but he had problems that after 5+ years I was definitely privy to and he could not hide from the truth. As a result, I became too difficult for him to have a relationship with. So suddenly, “He never loved me – as he now didn’t know what love between a man and woman really was, he claimed to never have experienced it! But gee, he was grateful to me for all I did for his dying mom!” When questioned about all the times he professed his undying love for me, the times I had over the 5 years tried to end it and he convinced me to stay and work at it. He told me over and over again in those 5+ years, “I was the most important and beloved woman in the world to him and he simply can’t envision his life without me by his side, he had no words to express the level of his love for me – the emotion was overwhelming…that he was committed that we to therapy and work out whatever issues were between us, etc. So on the day he came over on his lunch hour to “end things” and I questioned him proclamation of not loving me, and I said…”so you have been lying to me?” He said he meant it when he said it, and stopped after he said it. AKA – manipulated me, used me, was damaged inside him for a multitude of reasons he didn’t want to see…was a total sociopath (Definition: someone who will do or say anything they have to in order to get their needs met, regardless if it is good or bad for the other person! These people don’t care. It is ONLY about them.) Here’s what I learned in the end about questioning your own reality…DON”T, it gets you nowhere fast and wastes your time. Because in the end, your reality is already correct. It is just the equivalent of being on a emotional hamster wheel. You already KNOW the answers. TRUST YOU, NOT HIM. If you opt out because this is not acceptable in YOUR life, then YOU are in control of it. He can no longer hurt you. Don’t be surprised that if he really sees you getting on with it, he may try and manipulate you back…DON”T BUY IN. Mine did it. I tried to end things a year earlier, I was calm, rational, seeing things VERY clearly and trying to end us with dignity and love for both of us, but I saw it wasn’t working and probably never would. But, he manipulated me back, I stupidly bought in. Then when I went to end it again with dignity again, as I didn’t want the game playing in my life and I felt that I could only choose for myself what is okay with me or not, and something he did wasn’t okay with me and I was not about controlling him. I felt that was his job. He AGAIN, manipulated me back with the PERFECT words and actions. Only, now it was about holding on to me long enough to find my replacement, and the minute he did….I was thrown out like yesterdays garbage and treated like I was the crazy one. I was not though, but the damage was done to me by then. It took me YEARS to build myself back up to trust my own instincts, feelings, etc.
You don’t have to go through that. Let what I learned benefit YOU. Again, if you were my own daughter, I would share the same things. The truth is already here. You have all your answers. The rest is just a game you are playing with yourself that will add NO value to you whatsoever. It will ONLY damage you. So choose to stop yourself when the “what if’s” and such start. Recite what you already know is the truth to yourself, and then…let go again and get on with it. Repeat this process as often as you need to, but do not look back toward him. Only at yourself in how you can see the signs clearer and earlier in the future. Draw to you a healthy man who can be your equal and you will spend a lifetime fulfilling each others needs. Not just his. I hope this helped. LFW