bad day yesterday and today isnt looking better

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New Member

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 6
   Posted 9/24/2007 11:46 AM (GMT -7)   
yesterday was the anniversary of my grandmothers death. 4 years later you would think it would be easier, but its still really tough considering she pretty much raised me. then assuming that isnt hard enough, i tried calling my biological father has pretty much disowned me for unknown reasons. i can kinda guess are the scenarios...because of my lifestyle ( im liberal and covered in tattoos), his wife doesnt want him to contact me because to her the only kids that matter are hers, my husband he has never liked kevin, he thinks im crazy ( im bipolar but im medicated). heres what i think...hes mad because im still married to my husband and hes a redneck golfer whos almost 50 with 2 babies still in diapers. i hope they put him through hell. i guess in a way im jealous because they have their dad and i never had mine. still dont for a matter of fact....anyway, im up to my neck in decorations for anakins birthday party sunday ( both of them). im planning 2 parties 1 for our suburban family and friends and one for our friends who live in the city ( thnak god ill be around people who don suck). im not doing this next year if our family cant handle our friends then tough cookies. im exhausted.

loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member

Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 9/24/2007 9:58 PM (GMT -7)   
MommaV, I am sorry about your grandmother, I know that at anniversary time it can be painful. Perhaps it is a day for you to smile vs. be sad, because you were loved by such a special woman? Loosing someone we love is never easy, but if you want them to be smiling, you have to. When loved ones pass, they need us to smile for them. Otherwise, if we succumb to the sadness, when they visit us in our dreams, they too are sad. They don't want that for us. They want to enjoy life through us. It is all in how we view it.

As to the father that isn't there for you...HE"S loosing out, don't give him the power to hurt you anymore. You just be a great wife (and mother if you are one), and love your family the way you had always wanted, and were taught by your beloved grandmother. This way you honor her, you honor you, and you look ahead, not behind. I had a bio-father that I was forced by law to see every other weekend, and a month in the summer & week at x-mas until I was 17. I never felt like his daughter, just a piece of property. When I was old enough and could stop going, I did. I finally wrote him a letter once and said we have an option to try and be a part of each others lives in the physical sense of trying to see each other – as long as he didn’t suddenly try and play “daddy” – (I felt he had sort of missed that right with how the first 17 years had gone when I had really needed him to behave like one and he didn’t), or we could let go and just know that I have this bio-father, he has this daughter, and it doesn’t work for us to be a part of each others lives. But that we wish each other well in life with love (not that I ever felt any from him), but it is better this way so it could be clean, up front…honest. Well, I got a scathing letter back, and instead of getting plugged in by it, I felt freed. I viewed it as he loved me enough to write back (albeit it again wasn’t the way I needed or wanted to be loved by him), and even though it was fraught with “how dare you!” declarations, I suddenly didn’t have to harbor any animosity. In my heart I let go and wished him well and accepted that being “father and daughter” in the physical presence in each others lives wouldn’t work for us. So, we could love from afar, and let go. I didn’t have contact for 18 years after that. I married, had my first child, etc. Then one day word came that he passed. I cried for how little there had been for us in its entirety, because that was sad, but I again wrote him a letter. This time I went to his funeral, read my letter to him outloud in private and then put it in the casket. In that letter I forgave him and wished him well on his next journey. I accepted that he must have loved me in his own way, albeit it was not how I wanted or needed. And for it all, I forgave him. And again…for the second time with him…I was free from all the woulda, shoulda, coulda’s and failed hopes and dreams of what that relationship would never be like. I have felt complete about it since that final goodbye. And the 17/18 years with no contact, whenever I thought of him, I would just wish him well in my heart and move on hopping he was happy somewhere in the world.

Just some thoughts, hope that helps. LFW

Veteran Member

Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 9/25/2007 11:28 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi MommaV,

I had a funny kind of opposite day yesterday -- it was my birthday. Birthdays and deathdays and holidays have a way of biting us in the a**. I always get a sad about how little my family can offer me, at those times. They're reminders of how loosely connected we are at times when we should be close. I'm sorry about your grandmother. I don't doubt it's still painful. It probably always will be painful. As painful as losing your "real" parent would be.

I bet many of us have chaos-families. I certainly do. They hate themselves, they hate each other, and they have spent most of my life being mean to me. I have made it my goal to get as far away from my family as possible so I can live the life I want and get out from under the shadow of their unhappiness. Like yours, they are closed-minded, judgmental, and cruel. I'm also a tattood liberal, but with a skinny Jewish academic for a husband. We look weird in the trailer park, you know what I mean?

For a while I was in a group for bp moms and I ALWAYS felt like the healthy kid on the block. (Still mostly do.) Despite growing up with alcoholic, violent parents, my childhood was a cake walk compared to some of the other women's. And at least I had gotten away from it. My husband is nice to me, he loves and supports me no matter what nutty thing I want to do. He helps me and he loves our daughter. That is absolutely not the case for everyone in the group. I asked my pdoc at one point why so many people with bp had such screwed up family lives. If it's a chemical brain disorder, why did we all have such horrible family backgrounds. She said that bp was partly genetic and chemical but that most doctors believe that some other element is involved, some other stressor or trauma "triggers" it. Ahhhh. I see. Trauma. Chemicals and trauma. A molotov cocktail to the brain. That's us kids.
Ask me about my Bipolar Disorder!

New Member

Date Joined Sep 2007
Total Posts : 12
   Posted 9/25/2007 11:48 AM (GMT -7)   
I am also experiencing the 2nd year anniversary of the death of 2 young people very close to me. The time of year brings back memories through our senses that we can't control (slant of sunlight, leaves turning, weather, temperature, etc.) that make us feel the same way we felt when the death actually happened (at least this what I talk about with my psychiatrist). Supposedly this is why I am even more anxious, agitated and depressed than usual, even though I am "well medicated" and possibly why you are feeling things more intensely as well.
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