MommaV, I am sorry about your grandmother, I know that at anniversary time it can be painful. Perhaps it is a day for you to smile vs. be sad, because you were loved by such a special woman? Loosing someone we love is never easy, but if you want them to be smiling, you have to. When loved ones pass, they need us to smile for them. Otherwise, if we succumb to the sadness, when they visit us in our dreams, they too are sad. They don't want that for us. They want to enjoy life through us. It is all in how we view it.
As to the father that isn't there for you...HE"S loosing out, don't give him the power to hurt you anymore. You just be a great wife (and mother if you are one), and love your family the way you had always wanted, and were taught by your beloved grandmother. This way you honor her, you honor you, and you look ahead, not behind. I had a bio-father that I was forced by law to see every other weekend, and a month in the summer & week at x-mas until I was 17. I never felt like his daughter, just a piece of property. When I was old enough and could stop going, I did. I finally wrote him a letter once and said we have an option to try and be a part of each others lives in the physical sense of trying to see each other – as long as he didn’t suddenly try and play “daddy” – (I felt he had sort of missed that right with how the first 17 years had gone when I had really needed him to behave like one and he didn’t), or we could let go and just know that I have this bio-father, he has this daughter, and it doesn’t work for us to be a part of each others lives. But that we wish each other well in life with love (not that I ever felt any from him), but it is better this way so it could be clean, up front…honest. Well, I got a scathing letter back, and instead of getting plugged in by it, I felt freed. I viewed it as he loved me enough to write back (albeit it again wasn’t the way I needed or wanted to be loved by him), and even though it was fraught with “how dare you!” declarations, I suddenly didn’t have to harbor any animosity. In my heart I let go and wished him well and accepted that being “father and daughter” in the physical presence in each others lives wouldn’t work for us. So, we could love from afar, and let go. I didn’t have contact for 18 years after that. I married, had my first child, etc. Then one day word came that he passed. I cried for how little there had been for us in its entirety, because that was sad, but I again wrote him a letter. This time I went to his funeral, read my letter to him outloud in private and then put it in the casket. In that letter I forgave him and wished him well on his next journey. I accepted that he must have loved me in his own way, albeit it was not how I wanted or needed. And for it all, I forgave him. And again…for the second time with him…I was free from all the woulda, shoulda, coulda’s and failed hopes and dreams of what that relationship would never be like. I have felt complete about it since that final goodbye. And the 17/18 years with no contact, whenever I thought of him, I would just wish him well in my heart and move on hopping he was happy somewhere in the world.
Just some thoughts, hope that helps. LFW