New Member Introducing Myself

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New Member

Date Joined Oct 2007
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 10/2/2007 7:11 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi everyone,
I really haven't been formally diagonsed, but I did have a pdoc tell me I had "some" bipolar. Then I got a new pdoc who sort of dismissed it at first. I also have a PhD therapist. I went to my T office and he said I was hypomanic. He asked me a lot of questions and said he was going to call my pdoc. I also took an online screening test (I think on Oprah's website) and it came out bipolar I. I don't know. I do think I have I or II.
Severe depression has been a long-time companion.
And in the last 2 years I have had about 2 "manic" or "hypomanic" episodes where I felt GOOD! Really good. Everything was better. I wasn't depressed anymore. And I never would be!! The first time I joined 2 commitees, one I became secretary, I rearranged my living room furniture, redid stuff, painted my bedroom, etc. Second time I pulled out a bunch of bushes I didn't like, went shopping. I think I spent $1,300.00. I know I did. I added it up. I can't really tell you on what because it was WalMart, Target, just stuff. Then I can't pay the bills.
When I feel the "mania" I just feel like everything is possible, I'm better or can be better than everybody else, I'm more creative, more intelligent, and I just can figure out who to be a success. Like I have the "key" to it all. I want to start school again. I want to travel. I just want to go. I'm outgoing, say all the right things, so I think, and I'm high.
Then the depression comes back. Why did I think it would never come back? I thought it was over and this is how the world always feels, really good.
If I have bipolar, it would be like, okay FINALLY I have answers and I KNOW why I have suffered my entire life basically.
My mom i would say, has it. She liked to be what I thought was hyper. She would get up at like 3 a.m. and just start doing. Cleaning, ironing, more and more and more. She was proud of it though. And just going like mad. She would never admit to having anything wrong though.
I'm already on seroquel 25 mg and wellbutrin 150 mg. I guess I got the last hypomania when I stopped taking my seroquel. I did that for surgery, on my own, and I felt more energetic. I hate taking meds and I hate feeling "flat." But I hate depression too.
Why can't the hypomania be a normal state and why can't it stay longer? I like myself then.
Or maybe why can't my famous pdoc who is so bright just diagnose me already so we can work on this!
Anyway, that is where I'm at and thanks for listening.

olivia of course
Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1523
   Posted 10/2/2007 9:47 AM (GMT -7)   

Welcome to the HW family and the Bipolar Forum, I am glad you found us. I hope you find the support you are looking for.

First, I wanted to point out that there is no normal state, just a sense of being grounded/balanced. Having Bipolar, even on meds still means you might have some up and downs. I just wanted to clarify.

How come you have not gotten a formal diagnosis from the pdocs you went to see? They can't leave you hanging like that, bipolar is a serious condition and it affects people's live in so many ways. At least you are on meds that are helping you, even to a certain degree. One thing I wanted to say is you should try to get a formal dignosis, then try to get your meds worked out, so that you have more stable moods.

Is the Seroquel helping you? Maybe they need to increase it a little bit. Do you think the Wellbutrin is helping your depression, it is not a good sign to years of depression if you are on an AD, something is not working here. I just wanted to bring these things to your attention.

Again, welcome and best wishes on getting things worked out!
Co-Moderator, Bipolar
Dx:  Bipolar I, Anxiety-Panic Disorder
Support HealingWell:
"Don't let your yesterday, ruin your today"

Veteran Member

Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 10/2/2007 11:15 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi C2L,


I think Olivia has the right idea. You really need to get a firm diagnosis if possible, and if your moods are still fluctuating dramatically, I'd guess the meds you're on aren't working properly. That means a call to the doc, of course. Do you like your doc? Does he talk to you or is he dismissive? Do you think another doctor would be more forthcoming and helpful to you?
Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum

Ask me about my Bipolar Disorder!

New Member

Date Joined Oct 2007
Total Posts : 7
   Posted 10/7/2007 5:07 AM (GMT -7)   
I saw my pdoc. My therapist had called him. I asked him (pdoc) if the thought I had bipolar? He said, "yes, I think you do have something like a bipolar II disorder." He does talk to me, always schedules me a 1/2 hour and listens well, and remembers well--even if he has to refresh his memory with notes, he always does and brings things up from the past." I really think he is super bright about all this.
He talked about some other meds, trying lithium, lamictal, and tegretol. I said I thought I was doing good and that I wanted to see what happens and wait. He wants to see me in a few weeks, so at the end of Oct I go again.
I'm hesitant to start something new. I do have anxiety about taking meds. He did said he wanted me to go back up to my entire 25 mg seroquel. (I cut back by cutting it up on my own, which he doesn't like).
I don't know. I told him about my mom and her manic behavior, irritability, and frantic way of living. I believe he thought that was important to know.
So, he said yes, he thinks I have......he wasn't really hesitant, but he wasn't like for sure pounding his fists or anything either.
Do I accept what he said and start my recovery?
Do I reject it and cut the pills up again and just do my best?
I feel like running away a little. Running from all this. I think I don't need any of these people. I can make myself better if I just put my mind to it.
The problem is, I can't seem to do it. I have lived a life of "craziness." Depression that is so black there is only dispair and no hope. Recklessess in the past. Wanting to end it all. And then occasoinally I get happy, too happy, like I cann't corral it. It is like swirling out of me, and I have to do everything "right now." Whatever idea I get.
I can sum it up as a fast paced roller coaster ride into a brick wall I guess. A horrible mood disorder. Depression, anxiety (past intense panic attacks, now under control), binge eating, using substances to curb my fear, anxiety, and depression. Just always had wondered what was wrong with me. I have BPD also.
But maybe this knowledge and acceptance of BPII will help me focus on new strategies. I found a work book on some practical advice on how to live with this disorder and prevent the super ups and downs.
I want to live a more even life, but I like the highs so much. I'm afraid to be dulled. And its been a few weeks now feeling "good." For about a week I wasn't sleeping much, not needing it, feeling I could do anything. Now I increaed my seroquel  back a little more and I'm still motivated, my feet are going kind of fast all the time---can this last longer than a few weeks? I think the seroquel is keeping things in check, but I'm not in a black depression yet.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 1441
   Posted 10/7/2007 10:20 AM (GMT -7)   
It sounds to me like you were given some very good advise so far.

To me, in my sounds like bi-polar. It sounds to me like you're a little in denial too. I was like that too at one time. I always wondered if my "Normal" state would ever come back to me.

I've learned I NEED the medications to keep me at a healthy place. It doesn't sound to me that your doctor is just rushing into things and trying to douse you with meds. Sounds like he is taking things step by step. I would go with the flow and let him and your therapist try to help you.

Olivia said it best..."First, I wanted to point out that there is no normal state, just a sense of being grounded/balanced. Having Bipolar, even on meds still means you might have some up and downs." That is difficult to hear...but in time, as you work with your team you will find it easier to understand and will see that it is true and that you can find a healthy place to be in.

Keep educating yourself, join a support group, keep coming back here for support and be honest with your doctors.

Hope some of this helps.

Crohns Disease-Remicade since 1999, Methotrexate
Fibromyalgia & Arthritis
Bipolar & Panic/Anxiety-Trileptal, Xanax, Trazadone, Wellbutrin

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