How could I be so stupid? I actually got my hopes up and got sucked back in to the delusions of Michael and his bi-polar disorder. When we last spoke, I believed him when he said he was going to work on managing his bi-polar so we could be together. I believed him when he said that he loved me and wanted a life with me. I was so proud of myself when I told him that I wold like that too, but he needed to be managing his BP with PDOC and meds and to call me when he has made progress.
I had a terrible day this past Wed., not only did a close friend's husband pass away suddenly...I witnessed a tragic car accident. It was a police car, the police man lost control of the car, and crashed, and it burst into flames. Several men tried to get him out, but they couldn't and he burned to death. I actually witnessed it and the image will be with me forever.
In a moment of weakness, I called Michael. (Still thinking all of the above were true and that we were both on the same page in his recovery.) He seemed nice and stable and he was very supportive of me. Then....we made plans to see eachother Sat. night to watch the Indians game. We talked several times before then, but on Sat....I reconsidered. I told him that it would make things to hard, and even though I miss him and want to see him, we should stick to our original plan. I apologized for calling him and taking his focus off of his recovery. He was totally fine and wasn't mad, and said that it was up to me...he would love to see me, but understands.
Then...he called me later to say he was watching the game over a friend's house. Something about it didn't seem right....but whatever. His dad called me shortly thereafter looking for him. We talked for quite awhile catching up and it seems Michael has been lying to both of us again. His dad told me he hasn't been at work for (10) days and is in danger of losing his job. He told me he has caught Michael drinking several times and even this week found him in the basement, drunk, with a 12 pack.
I repeatedly called Michael...he didn't answer. When he finally did, I confronted him about not being at his friends, and he told me that he was on a date!!!! I screamed at him for 10 minutes and then hung up. I called all right after for an hour (like a freakin' pyscho) and he didn't answer the phone once.
His dad called me @ 8:30 am this morning and said Michael hadn't been home all night. I went to his dad's house, and he finally came home. We talked and fought and he was still drunk. He says he just wanted to go out and have fun....he didn't sleep with her....he slept on her couch. He said it wasn't my business b/c we aren't together. In my stupidity, I continued to fight with him and ask for an explanation....how could he say all of those things two weeks ago and then go out with another girl. (Mind you, this is a totally new girl he met on yahoo singles, not the one that he went out with a few weeks ago). He said he meant all of those things, but we weren't together now and he wanted to date other people. WHAT? I tried to explain to him that is basically the exact opposite of what he said two weeks ago. He said he does want us to be together eventually, when he gets his s**t together. He was arrogant and stubborn and I tried to explain about the episode and drinking and BP, and he didn't want to hear it.
Now I am here again, alone, crying, with a knot in my stomach, asking myself how could I let this happen again. I was in a good place. I had wished him well and went on my way. He just kept calling and texting, and he sounded so sincere. Am I the biggest shmuck in the world or what? I actually believed that he wanted to be with me, and that he wanted to get better. HE sounded like his normal, lucid self. Now he acts like I am the crazy one and why wouldn't he go out with other people?
Did he just call me in a bout of depression to make himself feel better? Did he just pursue me for the sake of his own ego to see that I would be there to support him again? He didn't sincerely want to be with me....he only manipulated me for his own gratification. How could he do that to me? I am smarter than that.....I BELIEVED HIM. I literally hate myself right now for being so STUPID. I was doing so great.
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