Thanks, Sukay! Your words are so helpful...that is just what i need right now.....
And you are absolutely right. I think I was panicing a bit for myself and my mom, and when I think about it, I know that would not be a good idea. I moved out right after college for a reason! We do have our own journeys and she is a strong person. I think I just feel so alone right now, I am looking for any reason to not be by myself. I think that is why I am having so much trouble making a clean break from Michael. I have been by myself many times, for long periods of time in between boyfriends, since I was 15 yrs. old and I am tired of being alone. I want a family of my own. I want to be a wife and a mother and be in a loving, supportive relationship. I am tired of starting over and it never working out.
I am still feeling to weepy and I am filled with anxiety this morning. It is my first day back at work, after being out for two weeks, and I feel like an outcast. I know it is in my head, but I feel like everyone is sick of my drama. I was out of work for a month when my grandparents died in April....and here I am again, taking two weeks off of work. Ofcourse, I don't share the details with anyone, they just think I am a crazy person.
My pdoc. appt. isn't until Monday. I am worrying about where I am going to live when my lease expires in Feb., I am mad that I don't have someone in my life to "take care of me"....to make sure everything is going to be ok. I am mad that Michael doesn't have his s**t together and that I am letting him cause me anxiety.
I am proud of myself for my great eating and exercising, but I am tired of being alone.
Did I tell you what set me off this weekend? On Friday, my dad (my real dad - who has caused me severe abandonement issues, etc.) committed to meeting me and my mom to visit my grandma at her assisted living center to visit her because the center was having a bake sale. I invited him and he agreed with excitement. She isn't even his mother, but he always loved my mom's mom, and because his mom passed recently, I knew he would enjoy spending time with her. Mind you, my parents have basically hated eachother until recently and I was so excited to have us all in the same room.....I needed the love and therapy. At the last minute, he cancelled. Something came up with work, he couldn't help it, work called. THAT WAS THE "ACCEPTABLE" REASON HE USED MY ENTIRE CHILDHOOD when he cancelled plans with me repeatedly. Since then, I have been a nervous wreck, crying, anxious....picking fights with my mom, anyone that would listen. Imagine Michael and I trying to have a conversation in our states, med changes, mood swings.....WORLD WAR 3 all weekend.
He asked if we could carpool to Laurelwood since it is near my work, to save on gas. I said no. The hours weren't the same as my work hours, and I couldn't handle the stress.....Aren't you proud of my boundaries??? I sure am!!!
I could really use any uplifting, motivational words right now to calm my anxiety and get me through this week until my pdoc appt.
New Bipolar Supporter