Welcome to HW. I have a lot of ideas that could help you tremendously.
I was dx'd with depression in 2000. Then, two years ago, that dx changed to BipolarII. Until a year ago, I always let the depression/bipolar have power over my entire life. Then my pdoc referred me to a support group at the hospital. I didn't really like the idea of talking to strangers, meeting them face to face every week, with my personal problems. But, it was amazing. The first few sessions were a little awkward, but after that, we all really talked about our bp and the group leaders helped us help each other through it. Or at least, how to get ourselves through the worst times, or just through the day. Whatever the case...I left there with something so much more powerful than medication. I know how to cope now.
And I think that is what you could really benefit from. Learning how to cope. It sounds to me like you have a problem with drinking. Don't beat yourself up about that. It sounds to me like you want to change that. That's a good place to start. I think if you could start seeing a psychiatrist, that would be the best thing. Then maybe the pdoc could refer you into programs to help you deal with your issues, and help you get better. It's all about getting solid professional support, and then using that support to get more support. (if that made any sense...)
It's great that you found HW. We can listen and provide feedback for you, and that will help.
I just know that while depression/anxiety and bp can all be so debilitating, we can take care of ourselves and help ourselves to feel a little better along the way. But in order to do that, we do need to do some work. And you can do it, believe me.
Bipolar II, Anxiety/Panic Disorder
.5mg Clonazepam, 50mg Trazodone
--Currently not on meds for bp--