Posted 10/31/2007 12:57 PM (GMT -7)
When I'm manic I get obsessive. Scarily so.
I'll pick something, or worse, someone, and I just can't stop thinking about it. If it's a thing, like a subject, I'll research it non-stop without sleep and join message boards, forums, etc dedicated to it and I can become an expert in something I've never heard of in about a day, and I can hold my own in discussions against actual experts because I just obsess over it and learn so much so quickly.
This is bad because I need to not waste time on random things, and I need to concentrate on my degree and my life.
Worse though, occassionally I get obsessed with men. When I'm manic I get very sexually manic and it's quite bad. My boyfriend and I don't do anything sexual when I'm manic because I know I don't really want sex, it's just the mania, and I don't want to take advantage of him like that.
But I sometimes get obsessed with other men. Men I'd never normally fancy. I love my boyfriend more than anything, we've been together for 6 years in 4 days, he supports me so much and we're really happy. I would never dream of leaving him, but when I'm like this I fantasise about whichever man I'm obsessing over and I dream up scenarios where we meet and talk and get together, etc.
When the mania finally goes away and it goes, I see that I'd never even fancy that person normally, it's usually people totally not my type, though it's rare that it happens at all. But it scares me when it does. I can feel almost stalkerish behaviour sitting there if I wanted to access it - like thinking about trying to find out where they live, trying to be where they are randomly so I see them. I don't do it, but I think about it sometimes.
This is the one thing I've NEVER told anyone. It scares the hell out of me enough that I get very violent mania, but my boyfriend knows about that. But to tell him, or anyone, that I obsess over other men and sometimes think in the same way as a stalker would. I'd die of shame, I don't know if I could handle that. And I don't want him to know, it's horrible. It doesn't mean anything! I love him, I'd never leave him or do anything, my brain is just being STUPID for a while!
Does anyone else get this? How can I stop it?
Thoracic Outlet Syndrome