I'm feeling wounded but also numbed out by a dream i had the other morning. It was one of the worst I've ever had because in the dream, my daughter had been gang raped. I dream about
her a lot and every time, no mattert how old she is in the drream, I am so angry with her, raging at her and I couldn't understand why that was so. Sure, I get really upsetr with her sometimes, but the rage just doesn't make sense. But it'sd a dream and I know that the rage means something, but not really that I feel it toward my daughter. i know she represents someone or something that should be raged at. I'm a survivor of childhood sexual abuse and i have dissociative Identity Disorder, so there is a lot of trauma in my past that I have amnesia for. I realized that in this dream, it wasn't my daughter who was raped, but me. And that probably means that all the rage I've directed at her for a few years now, in many dreams, I've really been raging at myself, just for being a vicitm. Still, seeing my daughter's image, violated horribly, I'm having a hared time getting the image out of my mind and I have to keep telling myself, "It's not _________, it's not ______________." I also don't know what to do with this realization. I've known for a while that it happened because I abreacted (re-lived) it in therapy as part of may memories of ritual abuse. My distress seems to be coming out in alters attacking me, subtly, but dangerously, like messing with me taking my medication. I'm already screwed up becuase my antidepressant, Nardil, isn't working very well and I don't know what is going to happen. plus, I currently have no psychiatrist and my family doc is searching for one for me, but because of my diagnosis, one simply didn't respond to the referral and another outright refused to take me as a patient. So i wait, who knows how long, for appropriate care, suffering from major deprerssion witrh alters acting out their rage at me. I'm scared and it could be months before I even see a psychiatrist. I've been cutting on and off and while I'm great at acting as if I'm just fine, as I did tonight with my daughter and her husband, the reality is as times goes on, I feel closer and closer to giving up, dying.
I have to take back everything I said in my last posting about helping anyone out there with questions. I'm not sure who i was when i posted that, but i feel very embarrased to read it now. No matter what I think I know, and I do teach seminars on childhood sexual abuse and dissociaitve Identity Disorder, it's not okay to put myself out there like some kind of expert with all your answers. Yes, I have lots of book knowledge and my own experience, which is unlikely to be much like anyone else's, but It's not okay for me to be your source of information. If you have specific questions you want to ask me, I'll give you some kind of answer from my own experience, but mostly, I'll give you my compassion and support and never give you advice except to seek medical or therapeutic care, preferably, both. I'm sorry if I made anyone angry, uncomfortable or indignant for acting the know-it-all jerk. I really do know better and I most often have much better boundaries. Please forgive me. Blessing