todays spousal bi-polar developments,,,really down and need advice asap

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New Member

Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 11/27/2007 5:51 PM (GMT -7)   
today has been a mess,,,,i feel so rejected and ,,,,well.....depressed,,,,as stated in my previous posts my wife is BPII,,,her meds werent cutting it,,they upped the mg's and she said she doesnt feel like bursting out in tears but is still moody. shes been down because of staying home with our young son and cant really handle (stresses her out)marriage or motherhood.anyway,,the last 3 days shes been less moody and we've been talking. She actually moved her appointment to see her doc up to this friday. She said,"what do you want me to tell my doc",,,she thinks the meds are working,,i think they are helping,,but not all there...She said she made the appointment because i wanted her too. She said she feels bad for hurting me but doesnt know what to say. she stated that she cares for me but would be fine if we just never were intimate again. what confuses me,,,,when i look at her on the surface,,,she seems so,,,well,,"normal",,,at least talking today,,,,compared to last weeks moodiness,,,,,,,,,,,,,,but when i look at her previous behavior,,it seems so similiar to 2003 when she had a horrible cycle that led to her diagnosis(crying/hated her life/severe disdain from me/hated me.......),,,
i told her to me it seems like she is in the beginning of a cycle like 2003 but the difference is the meds that shes on is keeping her afloat..
i realize its hard to get the whole story in text,,,but am i losing it,,,or should i go with my gut,,,just lost and confused...

loving frustrated wife
Veteran Member

Date Joined Jun 2007
Total Posts : 865
   Posted 11/28/2007 1:08 PM (GMT -7)   
Follownhosea....I am a spouse, like you, to a BPII. I also have a teenage son with BP. Up front I want to share that they, by comparison are on the milder end of things than many, but life is still fraught with its challenges. Here is what I want to share with you in a nutshell. STOP trying to make sense of this, you won't and will only drive yourself crazy trying to "figure it out". The pieces don't line up neatly. YES, the meds are probably helping your wife, but as your instincts are screaming....not fully benefiting her yet to a completely balanced state – SO TRUST THAT! Denial on your wife’s part comes because she feels SO much better inside than before – so therefore she must be balanced…she feels calmer doesn’t she, yet if that means sacrificing intimacy with her be it. As to she "loves" you, but isn't currently perhaps "in love with you" at the moment - that's a lifetime of marriage following you along. In marriage IMO, we take the commitment we do in order to carry us (BP or not) through a lifetime of "feelings" ebbing and tiding. Because that is what feelings do...FOR ALL OF US. The underlying feeling is that we DEEPLY love this person, but can we ALWAYS feel the "IN LOVE with them" feeling....NO. A lifetime together is all the moments of the deep abiding loving the person underneath, and then the falling in and out of love with them throughout our lifetime together...over and over again in both directions. It's the commitment that keeps us grounded to stay together through all life throws at us and realizing that feelings come and go, when life steps in and overwhelms us. But if you hang in there'll see it flow both ways...back and forth, back and will always comes back. Stick to you instincts that something still needs tweaking. Go to the appointment with your wife and offer perspective to the doctor. If he is good, he will want your input anyway. You and your wife are a team for her wellness. The fact that she feels better or more consistent is a good thing, but that doesn't mean there isn't more room to improve this. As to the sex the moment, stop viewing it as a rejection so much as something your wife feels like she can control about her situation with the BP, since SO much of it feels beyond her control. She is standing up to you in ways she can't stand up fully to the BP, and this is where the patience, partnership and understanding come in as the spouse. Hold her hand if she will let you watching TV, give her a foot rub, make her a bubble bath and you put the child to bed…etc. Reach out no more than that...and for now...let that be enough for you. Otherwise, you will induce nothing but the wounded puppy causing guilt to her…and then that is a feeling she just wants to run away from…hence…then run away from you. As to her overwhelm with being a stay at home make arrangements for her to divide her time between working and her life at home. Encourage her to go back to a modified career, one that is pleasurable and fulfilling…but modified so it is not overwhelming. Staying home is NOT for everyone...BP or not. There are SO many great ways to work with a situation like this....child care centers (they are wonderful for helping a child socialize and learn these invaluable skills anyway), pair up with a friend with a child the same age and share babysitting costs in the home during the the expense is less and both mothers can go to work....there are countless ways to make it all work.

I know you feel like you are drowning in all of this and are overwhelmed and not able to see light at the end of the tunnel. But, there are adjustments needed all around you, and some need to start with you and your expectations during an episode like this – that is where you will get your greatest movement back in the right directions. It is kind of like riding a horse who is fighting you…if you simply give it the reins for a moment to ease up the tension…let it take a step or two freely…and then gently guide the reins leading it in the direction you want even if that means it will walk in a big circle to gently guide it in a new direction. I KNOW you are being understanding, and as loving as you can muster, and you are doing all you can to hold it all together. And I know you are in great pain about how this is making you feel. For this I am so sorry for you, I wish I could share a pearl to make it all go away. But, there is none. All there is, is the work you need to do to take new views on situations, trust your instincts more, and work to take it less personally no matter what is said. Some of the biggest changes for my husband come when I get out of the way and don’t fight him or guilt him on things, and I grow in my understanding of what I am dealing with, or how I handle things. Sometimes the starting point to healing for him is me and how I evolve in this life of ours, of how I handle things. My fingers are crossed for you to find wisdom, patience and healing soon, for you both. LFW

Post Edited (loving frustrated wife) : 11/28/2007 2:41:58 PM (GMT-7)

New Member

Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 11/28/2007 8:27 PM (GMT -7)   
I', sorry its being bad for you.

What I try to remind myself (a spouse to a Bi-polar wife) is that I have to wait when I hear things that hurt or are confusing. I have to wait to see if what was said is what will stick. It is hard to wait. With anyone else, you can take what was said or done as a true act, but with a bi-ploar spouse, you have to wait to see if they really intended what was said or done, or if its really the way they want it to be from there on out.

Its also hard not to find yourself trying to predict what will happen. In any other relationship, history is an indicator of the future. But with a bi-polar spouse, thinking that history is going to play out again will only cause you greater anxiety.

Try to wait, try to see what will happen. Be supportive, stand up for yourself if you are wronged, and wait....

Unfortunately, I do a lot of waiting...

New Member

Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 17
   Posted 11/30/2007 1:07 PM (GMT -7)   
thank you soooo much for the above posts.. She went to the doc and they switched her meds from celexa to paxil(will start another thread). my son will start daycare next week for 2 days a week. She actually seemed excited about that. The posts above were awesome. will keep posted in future threads......

Regular Member

Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 28
   Posted 12/1/2007 11:39 AM (GMT -7)   

i can really relate. My wife thinks her meds are working but she doesn't ask what I think and will not let me speak to the doctor. At least your spouse is asking you what you think. I have not been intimate with my wife for over three months and have not even slept in the same bed with her for over two months. It is rough. But, I love her and I am hoping things will turn around. Just stick it out. If you still love her, that is all you can do.

New Member

Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 12/16/2007 6:18 PM (GMT -7)   
Hello everyone,
It is incredible how similar so many of our experiences are. With all that combined knowledge, it would seem right to expect we can minimize the devastation and pain associated with this disease. I have not discovered how to accomplish that myself. It's just darn hard to deal with, and that's that. My ex-fiance is BPII. We were together for more than 5 years, and I love her very much. In the course of our relationship, we broke up many times (she did-I didn't) and I watched her spiral out of control on several occaisions. This was all while on meds. She never has enjoyed much relief from medications, and has been on every dosage and combination known to modern medicine. She's belligerant and nasty when manic, and so negative and sad when depressed. Mixed states are the worst, and there aren't many times she finds herself happily, "In the middle."

How can we (those who love someone with BP) cope? I really don't know. It isn't enough to love someone. The roller coaster ride can be pure hell and have physiological effects on us from the cummulative anxiety and stress. On the other side, the misery she suffers is extraordinary. She reports the experience of being a spectator to her destructive cycles and episodes; feeling "trapped" and "lost." I can't imagine how terrible that must be for her. The prognosis for keeping a relationship intact is horrific. Having children is terribly unwise given the effects of being off medication and the hormonal fluctuations associated with pregnancy. Do we have anything left to us other than prayer and some internal strength to keep us sane? I really don't know. I haven't found the answers. There are ways to navigate some of the worst situations, and I plan to write what I have learned. My relationship has apparently ended, but maybe yours doesn't have to. This is a terrible disease. I have nothing but the deepest respect for the husbands, wives, lovers, and family members of those who suffer with BP. My unending sympathy and compassion goes out to those who have BP. I hope I can help someone. In that case, my experiences will not have been in vain.
Much love

Veteran Member

Date Joined May 2007
Total Posts : 3715
   Posted 12/16/2007 6:46 PM (GMT -7)   

Welcome to healingwell and to our board. I'm sorry you're going through such a tough time right now. It sounds like your ex-fiance has had a terrible time managing her moods and my sympathy goes right out to you both. Neither side of this gets it easy. I'm glad you found us. Hopefully you'll find we're a good place to vent and find the support you need.

Co-Moderator, Bipolar Forum

Bipolar II
It is a melancholy of mine own, compounded of many simples, extracted from many objects, and indeed the sundry contemplation of my travels, in which my often rumination wraps me in a most humorous sadness. -- William Shakespeare

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