Blessing Waters

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Veteran Member

Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 1441
   Posted 12/2/2007 10:29 PM (GMT -7)   
I just read your reply to the post (How's Our Gang Doing?)
I'm sorry to hear that you are in a dark hole right now.
What has been going on with you lately? Has something triggered this? Please fill us in as to what is going on with you so that we may all offer you some support along the way.
In another post you mention that you had a doctor's appt. What happended when you went?
That's why that thread was so important. A lot of us are just being quiet and not sharing when they really should. We're one big support family around here and we need to touch base with each other from time to time.
Looking forward to hearing from you.

Blessing Waters
Regular Member

Date Joined Oct 2007
Total Posts : 24
   Posted 1/5/2008 3:04 AM (GMT -7)   
I realy appreciate your caring. It's been very rough. I've been referred to two hospital programs, but my family doctor seems to be a novice at finding me a psychiatrist who is not attached to a program. These tend to be cognitive behavioural or dialectical behaviour therapy and I am told becuase I am doing trauma work for my post traumatic stress disorder and dissociative identity disorder, these programs are not suitable for me. However, the psychiatrists have informed of the "inappropriate" referrals as if I made them myself and should have known better. I've purposelyfully not defended myself, as the psychiatrist I left in June, who was engaging in "emotioanl warfare" with me, has passed along damaging information that has gone down the pipeline now. I can't afford to be anything but the good little patient. Considering that we have so few psychiatrist taking patients - one graduated in 1960! - and that I pose a rather complex case, I feel quite afraid. There is a referal in right now to a psychiatrist who sounds quite hopeful and today I learned of another who has been highly recommended. The webste says they are both taking new patients, but this is not always up to date. There is another option, to see residents in what they call a medication clinic, but I feel a little uncertain about that route. I may end up there, and if I do, it could end up just fine or not at all okay.Very hard to pre-judge.I really can't afford to be difficult about it. I've done 90% of the footwork for my doctor and that's been okay, but now I just feel burn-out and "done." My mood bottomed out over Christmas. I spent Christmas Eve with my daughter and son-in-law, and it as lovely, but I put on my mask of false joy and doing that can be more draining than physical exertion. So I slept until 6 PM on Christmas Day, and couldn't eat until late that evening. Today is the first day I've felt kind of okay, but it didn't start out well. It's my birthday, and frankly, my mood is low. I've had so much conflict with my psychologist because she doen' think I'm trying to pull out from the black hole, my doctor is none too pleased with me either, so I just feel very lousy about myself, too lousy to accept birthday presents and such. I've never liked the attention, it's just worst this year and even though I ask to be left alone, family just can't do it. I should be more grateful that they want to show they love me, but it isn't about them at all. I was able to talk to my grandsons today and that never fails to bring me a smile. I didn't get to speak with them over Christmas and i felt pretty sad about that. They were just busy and the timing wasn't right. I've also had to tell my business partner that I needed to stop doing seminars with her about sexual abuse and dissociative identity disorder and she was very upset for me. She is such an awesome friend and it has been a very hard decision to make, but it is for the best. I hope to keep my hand in by joining in for a bit as a guest speaker to talk about my personal experience. That's not as stressful as being prepared to teach and needing to highly functional. I worry about that and never know until I start, just how I will manage my teaching. That's much too stressful right now and I need to slow down. I have a lot of writing to do, there hasn't been time and I miss it. I tried to help my friend see that I was taking care of myself with this choice, not just collapsing inward, and that she could be happy that I've ben able to make the hard choice that will be the best for me in the end. It hurts because I've lost my confidence and feel so incompetent, where I once was a highly successful teacher who cared for a large number of high needs students. I'll never be able to regain my lost profession and I grieve that. You can tell that depression has me fully in its grips. Life circumstances could be better. I just pray that nothing precipitates a crisis. I'm actively suicidal, but I do think about it quite a lot. I'm afraid though that I've been engaging in some more passive but potentially dangerous activities like cutting and taking more medication than I should have been, playing innocent because my doctor didn't spell out just how long I should take my diuretic at an increased dosage. When he found out how much and for how long I'd been doing this, he was not happy. But he had some responsibity too; he never gave me specific instructions about when to back off and left me to figure that out for myself - too trusting. I look too competent to mess up that way, but maybe he will pay more attention now, as he should be. I seem to have a habit of attracting men that want to take care me, but who lose their objectivity. I fgound out that one of these men, who I ended my friendship with 3 years ago for allowing his feelings to get away on him and he was married, that he died. I found his obituary on the internet and feel very sad that I lost that friendship and now he is just gone, period. That's bloody well enough to say to answer your kindness. I talk way too much, feel way too full, so when I get started, it just comes out like a flood. It gets to people, so now I just don't do this with my support system and so feel quite alone. I'm a writer, and so the written word is very natural for me to use. Some nights I write in my journal for 4 hours straight. So I bless anyone who has the patience to read my postings. I fear that it triggers some of you to visit your own pain when maybe that isn't the best timing for you. I don't know how to stop being so intense. I do want you to know that I am sensitive to all of you as you struggle with the hills and valleys of your lives. I bless every effort you make to reach out to others and I thank you, earnestly. Sukay, I'm glad I was able to visit the site today. Your post has lightened the heaviness of this birthday burden. Thanks. Surely, things will have improved by next time I visit. I hope that 2008 brings hope and peacefulness to all of us.

{Blessing Waters, I edited out a more violent phrase per rule # 1 "1. No discussion of any illegal activity or threats of violence. (ie. illicit drug use, including medical marijuana use, threats of suicide or self-injury, or threatened or intended physical harm). Discussions of suicide or self-harm that are deemed negative and therefore potentially injurious to others are also not permitted." --Serafena}

Post Edited By Moderator (serafena) : 1/5/2008 3:49:13 PM (GMT-7)

Veteran Member

Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 1441
   Posted 1/5/2008 7:12 PM (GMT -7)   
Blessing Waters,
Thank you for all the good thoughts for the new year. I too hope the new year will bring you closer to your healing.
Please, if you feel that you are nearing a crisis, don't hesitate to get some help. It sounds like you have a family that cares very much for you and maybe you need to lean on them right now and let them know how difficult things are for you at this moment.
If that is not good for you and you feel that things are getting more difficult and out of control for you, please go to the emergency room and let them help you.
Please don't cast all your dreams away. This is a very difficult time for you right now and I hear that you are taking steps to try to relieve some of the stress in your life, by not being so over committed to your seminars right now.  That is a positive move in my opinion for you right now.
I am so glad to hear that you have news about a new psych and another highly recommended one to try. In my opinion it is high time for you to have a new one with a fresh clean start. My only advise is to be straight up and truthful with your new doc and not leave any room to read in between the lines. You don't have time for that and you want to be sure that you both understand each other.
I hope the new leads on the doctors turn out well and that This Year will be a whole new Fresh Start for you.
P.S.   H.B. :o)

Diagnosed Bipolar - August 2004
     Crohns disease - 1995 
Arthritis & Fibromyalgia 

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