Casem, I do really understand your feelings. Honestly. The thing is #1, I am not telling you to run. What I am telling you is that if you choose to stay in the situation, don't expect different results. The choice to stay or go is up to you. But, if you stay, then you MUST understand that THIS is exactly how it will be. Has he improved a bit....yes, a little I suppose given the list of things like not drinking and such (although I have to wonder if while he was out with this stranger he had a soda vs. something stronger), but okay...he seemingly did not get rip roaring drunk...and that is a bit better. And yes, he seems to be dabbling in getting help. But the rock solid commitment to his own wellness, his fighting to stay conscious of his actions and how he behaves, his working with everything he has inside to make the right choices for himself....not so much.
Casem, you have to understand that when you sacrifice you for him, and your focus is on him - not you, there will be no ultimate result other than what you have right now. And believe me, it is OKAY to choose this if you want. It is certainly your choice. I do not think ill of you in any way, shape or form. You simply sound like a woman who has loved a man who has turned out to be ill. But much of your pain, I feel, comes from you dreaming of it being different than it is – the moment he MIGHT achieve wellness and responsibility and consciousness about himself and all his good AND bad choices; the moment he would look to you and say “thank you” for helping him through this, standing by him through all the abuse, neglect, and insensitivity he dished out - That you are the woman of his dreams and he will spend his life cherishing you for what you have done for him – supporting him back from the abyss and putting up with so much. This moment my dear MAY or MAY NOT ever come. And even if it does, it may not last for all the reasons that Serafena listed above about how the character issues are not necessarily BP induced. The thing is….when you live in this level of hope, under the circumstances, then you are not living in reality of the present, and how are YOU going to find the happiness and wellness YOU deserve if you don't? Do you follow my logic?
To answer your question about how to act to him during an “episode”, always tell the truth, but don’t engage with him when you see he is in one, do not take seriously too much of what he says or does as a result, learn to let go A LOT, moment by moment as needed with clear boundries for yourself and him. An example I can give is last night for me with H. Originally, my stepmom & her husband were supposed to come over, exchange gifts, visit, and THEN we would go out to dinner. I was told they would be here at 6pm. My H was supposed to have picked up their gift the week before, but for one reason or another it had not gotten accomplished. SO, at 5pm I woke him from a nap and said they would be here in an hour, he needed to get up and get the gift. My H was not feeling great (although he never said anything to me…but apparently I am suppose to know this anyway), so he gets the gift and at the last minute I am told they will be late, so I suggest we meet at the restaurant instead. So, we go out to a casual BBQ place that is way family friendly, we get through dinner and I could see that my step mom didn’t really want to exchange gifts there. So they came here for what all agreed would be a SHORT visit as we arrived here at 9pm approx. By 9:45 we put the twins to bed, and my step mom proceeds to talk and talk, and I don’t want to be rude and say…”okay…time to leave”. Meanwhile, my H is giving me glares. Finally at 10:30pm they go to leave. I then leave my H alone to go to bed, to do whatever he wants…etc, and I go to my computer to check messages quickly before heading to bed as well. I get to bed at approx. 11:30ish. My H is still up and as soon as I get to bed starts criticizing how I didn’t take action to his satisfaction on his queue’s to tell them to leave – we should have just exchanged gifts at the restaurant, he criticizes me for getting him up from his nap before I actually needed to since we didn’t meet them until 6:45, he criticizes me for “keeping him up” and how he doesn’t feel well and wanted to go to bed early…etc. The list of snarls goes on and on. So finally, I step up, tell him enough, he is blaming me for ridiculous things and being over critical for nothing. He then says that given the way I am reacting…it is exactly why he never says anything! Now, my dear…that is the joke of all jokes because I listen to this kind of stuff ALL the time from him. Who holds their tongue SO much of the time is me. But you see, I let it go, because if I engaged with it, it would accelerate and just get worse and worse. So, in the moment, I let him have his say, and then…let it go and move on. Because there is really NO point. He just needed to snarl, criticize and vent for whatever reason he had in that moment and I was the closest excuse he had. Now keep in mind that mixed in with this is a really wonderful guy who can be very considerate and thoughtful….just not consistently. And for some perspective….he would NEVER….EVER….treat me in the ways that you have described Michael behaving towards you.
Now, just a footnote about your behavior with Michael so you see we do have perspective for him too, while you are just his “friend” his treatment is HIS business and not yours. I know you want to support him in wellness, but just as your wellness is for you to do, so to is his. Therefore, I could understand his frustration with you about that. Again, the questioning and inquiring with the level of consistency and involvement you seem to have with it seems to go WAY outside the bounds of just a “friendship”. So maybe that is working against you in more than one way? I know it is hard to step back and let them fall down, but, he is a grown man and it is time he did. If you don’t let him, even as his friend, then you are hurting his chances of really growing up for himself. I know you love him, and you think that the last 3 years of the relationship with you allows you some leeway, but in reality…it shouldn’t. I am not saying not to intervene if it is life or death, but what you are describing is not. And I do not think that Michael is using you BTW, because a person can not get used unless they allow it. So therefore, it is not used, it is taken advantage of, and we are all responsible to prevent that for ourselves, or we have no one to criticize for it but ourselves for allowing it. Make sense?
I wish you well to make healthy choices for you, I wish you continued strength for the days ahead. Demand more for your life and settle for nothing less than you deserve. Just make sure you are demanding it from those who can really give it. Hugs…LFW