I've taken to wandering the halls and rooms of my house in the middle of the night. When the external stimuli is gone and it is just me and the quite, and the pain, and the mind that will not rest, I roam. First I down more morphine to releive the pain, then roam until it kicks in and I can attempt sleep again
First I sneak quietly upstairs to my sons room, he is so peaceful looking and his breathing is deep and soft. There is no trace of those eleven year old shoulders slightly hunching over from the weight of his mother dying. He's not watching me, hovering around; "mama, want some water?", "You should lie down, you've been doing to much today.", "Let me make dinner, I'm really good. Do you want your eggs scrambled or dippy?" My heart breaks that I am taking away some of his youth, making him face things children should not have to face. Having him feel he needs to protect me, I WANT AND NEED TO PROTECT HIM!
My son is a clone of my husband. We've been married 18 years, he is a big, strong man, an ex-linebacker. I make him cry. I hear him when he doesn't think I'm around. He's taken to buying me things, a Vespa, tennis shoes, remodeling the family room in the house (the kitchen is next), a car that he thinks will be more comfortable for me. I don't want any of it. I smile, tell him thank you and see the fear in his eyes when he looks at me.
Friends are afraid to call, they don't want to bother me. I don't blame them, they have started to define me by my cancer not by who I really am. Yes, my appearence is different, bald, skinny but puffy from the steriods. Run down from the weekly chemo sessions. But, I am still the same person. I still love to laugh, have drinks, smoke expensive sweet skinny cigars with my girlfriends, draw, listen to Johnny Mathis.
It was taking longer for the meds to kick in tonight, so I roamed here. Cancer really sucks, I would strangle it with my bare hands for what it has done to my dear, dear family, if only I could!
I was just wondering if there were anymore roamers out there in the middle of the night? God Bless Us All