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Regular Member

Date Joined Dec 2004
Total Posts : 40
   Posted 12/10/2004 1:42 AM (GMT -7)   
I had my mammogram set up for next Tuesday, which I will keep, but the appt with surg.  called, said they chosen a dr that wasn't in the progam.   How could that have happened.  Oh, I guess I better tell you.  I qualifed thru an agency here in Arkanas called Arkansas Breast Care.  And I get everything paid for.  That's a gift from God.  But,  now my appt isn't until a month from now.  I'll be in a mental ward by then.  A lot of stuff's been happening to me this week.  I don't know if you would call it a nervous breakdown, but I haven't had hardly any sleep since Monday around noon.  Just short naps here and there. I hd a few too many beers at my house last night and it was like a darn broke.  I started crying, and it started pouring out.  All the things I'd been thru with my mom as a child.  She was verballly abusive to my brother and I.  And truth be known, she probably abused my dad.  We never heard it, but... Everything I had been stuffing down for years came out.  Luckily it was only me, my daughter who is 23 and her fiance who is 33.  I'm 45, so I'm not young.  So it had been years worth.  I've never had this happen to me before, ever.  I wished I could have recorded it somehow so I could watch it later. I broke down and cried about everythng, which I probably had years of pent up emotions. Everything from my childhood, to my bad marriage, to my bad relationships...there havent' been very many! tongue    to my daughter's childhood, how I never felt like an adequate mother because of what her dad and I put her thru raising her.  We held each other and cried and I asked her to forgive me and she did.  Now I have to forgive myself and that's going to be a hard one. Any ideas on how I could go about that?
To my bad relationships, to my breast cancer scare I'm going thru.  I just prayed to God a little while ago.  And I begged him not to let me suffer, even as far as to tell him I will not live with cancer and put my family or me thru that.  I just wasn't going to. but that's not the way i'm supposed to think.  I'm supposed to trust God to see fit for me.    Have faith and be optimistic.  It is curable.  tongue   I saw things in my life that I never saw until that night.  Things that didn't make sense all my life suddenly did. I was being so honest and open about my feelings about certain things in my life that I had had problems with, and I admitted to myself that I needed a new life.  And it makes so much sense to me right now.  This is a wake-up call for me.  To change what is not working in my life.To retrain my thinking, to do what I want to do, not everyone else, to think for myself, not how I'm told to be, to feel about things like I  feel, not to be told how and what to feel.  That was my childhood. And it stuck all thru my life.  I let everyone else in my life pull all my strings.  I'm a puppet!!!  I want to break the pattern, I want to learn how to live and be happy and fulfilled, to find my purpose in life.  Maybe it will be in breast care. I don't know what's in store for me.  Nobody does.  I will deal with whatever the news will be.  I have lots of friends that care about me, and a large family, also.  You know, I went to the doc on Monday.  I got possibly bad news.  But everyone was rushing to get these appointments pushed thru and not saying much to me as far as what it could be, what it might be, no soothing words or words of encouragement...nothing.  I haven't slept much since then,  I was up over 36 hrs straight. I got online and was searching hard for some guys I could meet.  I've met one, talked to two on the phone, talked instant messaging....I am so trusting and gullable, I believe everything and anything people tell me.  I was heading down a bad road.  The meeting with the one didn't turn out well.  Nothing bad.  We met in a public place, guys!  I'm ashamed of the way I acted with him.  It wasn't me and I made a bad choice.  It woke me up that and my daughter's fiance who is 33 sat me down, and told me how it was, what I needed to do, nobody could do this but me.  He talked to me for over 3 hours, it was late, he had to go to work, early, but he stayed up and talked to me.  That was another gift from God. All this that happened that night has opened my eyes!! About a lot of stuff.  I haven't made smart choices during this whole last three days. Yesterday morning, I was talking to my daughter and I happened to mention to her that I thought a certain someone we'd both known for over 4 years was cute and wished he was a little older. She told him what I'd said and he called me today, several times, wants to take me out, we had a date tonight and it was fireworks!!!  My goodness!!.  I'd never felt this way before ever.  The connection was so strong. But I have a bad habit of falling for guys very quickly and getting hurt!  He's  a little bit younger than me.  We're seeing each other this weekend.  Girls I'm still in shock!! But I'm scared, too.  What if I have cancer?.  I will not put a man thru that.  It wouldn't be fair.  to either of us.  But if I'm reading these feelings  that I'm having and I can feel that he's having the same feelings,  I have strong intuition about things...and I feel strongly about this.  But I don't totally trust my feelings anymore.  They've been stomped on and walked on too much. But I've never felt this with anyone else since my ex husband and we were very young.  But I'm not young this time.  It's amazing.  If I have cancer, how can I give that up?  But I will!   And do you know why?  Because he's got more of his life left to live than I do, he's got a young son to raise by himself. I will not burden him with me!! I won't do it!  You know, I just realized something.   I'm facing something very important here in my life.  I either have cancer or I don't.  It's as simple as that.  It's in God's hands now.  All I have to do is abide by his choice, whatever it will be.  But that don't mean I'm givin up, no sir, I will fight it with all I have.  I realize how precious life is now.  And I don't even know for sure if I even have cancer.  Am I freaking out?  I don't think so.  This is a wake up call for me.  From God!  (I'm sorry if a offend anyone with talk of God.  If I have, I'm sorry.)  I don't know how I'm going to take the news if it's bad.  I know I'm trying to be positive and I am right now but what if I lose that when I hear the truth.  I'm so scared!   But you know I'll discover just who cares about me and who doesn't if the news is bad.  Right?  Some I'm not too sure of.  I love this place you guys have here where someone like me can go on and on and on.... sad    I'm truly sorry and apologize, but I needed to get it off my chest. All these things happening in such a short period of time.  But it has had a very positive affect on me.       All of this is happening for a reason.  It's God's way!   Anyway, I'll end this novel now.  Sorry confused    Can't wait to find out your opinions on these things I'm worried about.  Please be honest.  :-)      Bye 

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2003
Total Posts : 1294
   Posted 12/10/2004 6:06 AM (GMT -7)   
You need to see a counsler.  You should try to find one as soon as possible.  Ask you doctor if they can recommend someone to you.  They will be able to help you through all of these emotional issues.  You need to get things in perspective and deal with each issue.  Right now, because of your fear, everything in your life is hitting you right between the eyes.  Be kinder to yourself.  Waiting is the hardest part and insurance companies really enjoy making us wait.
Your relationships with others are very important and they need to carefully be developed and made deeper.  If someone truly cares for you, you will not be unfair to them or yourself to ask for their support and understanding. 
You sound like a spiritual person.  Please continue to pray and ask for guideance and support.  Ask Him to take over and give Him your troubles.  Then do not take them back! Concentrate on being well.  You need to find a way to sleep.  Ask your doctor for help with that too.  When you are rested you can deal with turmoil.
I have you in my prayers and big hugs to you too.

Many Holiday Blessings to All



Life may not be the party

 we hoped for,

but while we are here we might as

well dance.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2003
Total Posts : 741
   Posted 12/10/2004 7:12 AM (GMT -7)   
We all have been through what you are going through. It's called facing your mortality. It's scary and it sucks, but it's necessary. You are putting the cart before the horse, though. Wait until you know something. And for goodness sake, you are in no state to begin a relationship...wait until you are more in control of your emotions.
You seem to be a good-hearted person, you've just got to slow down and take things as they come. Don't make more stress for yourself.
If you have cancer, deal with it. If you don't, try to take something positive from this experience and move on.
If you can't deal with things by yourself, see a counselor. You are not crazy, this is just a lot for you to deal with.
Please let us know what happens.
Do not go gentle into that goodnight,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
~Dylan Thomas

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2003
Total Posts : 2921
   Posted 12/10/2004 8:48 AM (GMT -7)   
I would think you feel at least a little better unloading some stuff that has been on your mind for a long time. Not all Cancer is terminal for sure. There are some girls here who were diagnosed twenty years ago, I have passed eight with no recurrance or cancer related problems. So right now, stop, take a deep breath and realize that you are not facing dying any sooner now than you were before you knew you had a problem. Take a day at a time and a night at a time and for heaven's sake get some sleep. There is nothing you can do until you have the doctor's appointment and then there may be nothing needed be done. Concentrate on what you know for sure, not what you fear. Don't worry until you KNOW you have something to worry about. That is always my advice for anyone who is anticipating problems. Please, calm down, it sounds like you have a good daughter and her boyfriend who will be there with you no matter what. Thank the good Lord for the blessings you have and be at peace with yourself. Talking to a counselor is a good idea. If you are chuch going and have a good minister that might be the best place to start. Hugs and prayers that your next post will be much more calm and you will be feeling better. MK

Veteran Member

Date Joined Oct 2004
Total Posts : 826
   Posted 12/10/2004 10:04 AM (GMT -7)   
I just wanted to share what happened to me in regards to doctor appts.  I had made the appt myself for the surgeon, but when my regular doctor found out it was a couple of weeks away, he called and got me in much sooner.  Maybe your doctor could do that for you?  This was after my doctor saw the mammogram results and knew it was pretty urgent.
Take it easy on yourself and do as these ladies have suggested.  You need rest.  I am a big worrier, too.  An amazing thing happened to me just 2 days before my 1st surgery.  I woke up in the morning and felt as if a big, dark cloud had been lifted.  I was no longer scared.  I am not particularly religious, but maybe it was all the prayers that were being said for me.  My sister told me to 'talk to my angels' and ask for their help.  She said they can only help if you ask.  I did and believe that it helped me.  Try it - you never know.
Love and hugs,

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