Middle of the Night

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New Member

Date Joined Dec 2004
Total Posts : 14
   Posted 12/12/2004 2:45 AM (GMT -7)   
Frank the husband here....Trying so hard to be strong. But tonight it's just crashing in on me. Reading about the upcoming battle we are facing.

There were already upcoming battles BEFORE this... a custody battle with my ex... wanting to change jobs... finances.... now I feel like I can't even begin to face them until there is something that feels like resolution with where this is going... and everything I read says you don't get that for a long time, if ever.

Is it selfish to even THINK about taking this new job? It's more creative, more technically interesting, no suits and ties... but it's starting all over at a new place with none of the support group that being at a place a few years gives you. I have friends.

What about Justin? He wants to come out for high school.... Ann is fighting it and we will certainly end up in court if I pursue it. What will that mean now? I wouldn't put it past Ann to try and use the breast cancer against us in court if she could. But is it something that we should even be undertaking this year? Will Justin understand if we don't/can't? All I want to do is cry right now.

All this reading about chemotherapy is making me sick, no irony intended. Linda always says how much she HATES doctors and puking. Great, welcome to your life for the next year. And we don't even know yet if that's the worst of it. We meet with the doctor for the first time on monday to talk about everything.

Then next saturday, Caitlin and Justin will be here for the holidays. Whether she wil be pre-op or post-op or even what that will mean is completely unknown.



Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2003
Total Posts : 829
   Posted 12/12/2004 7:05 AM (GMT -7)   
Frank, ask yourself what you would have done in each of these cases if you wife hadn't been diagnosed. Then, that's what you do. Things will certainly be in the air but my late husband made sure everything stayed on track. He was my biggest supporter and I still miss him.
I know you are having a lot of turmoil about what is coming up but so is your wife. Why not ask her about these things?  Let her make the decision.
As far as all the treatments, wait just a bit until the doctors tell you what the exact treatments will be. Please don't get bogged down by statistics. MK told you that I was seven years out from the time the doctors said I would be gone. She was just a little wrong. It's over eight years.
A good friend will bail you out of jail...
but a true friend will be sitting
next to you saying,
"Dâmn... that was fun!".

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2003
Total Posts : 741
   Posted 12/12/2004 9:37 AM (GMT -7)   
I know this is a lot to take in. Imagine how your wife feels....... Just take things day by day. It doesn't have to be "doom and gloom". I was diagnosed at 30 and had a 19 month old daughter. I had mastectomy, chemo, radiation, tamoxifen-- the whole nine yards. I cannot speak for everyone, but for me the chemo was not as bad as it could have been. I NEVER threw up and I was on the "tough stuff". I led a normal life for 2 out of 3 weeks and just felt like crap for the other 1. Would I do it all again? H@ll no, but I made it and so can your wife. I will be 5 years out in April....
Take a deep breath and let the information come to you. You will feel better when you have some control again.
Do not go gentle into that goodnight,
Rage, rage against the dying of the light.
~Dylan Thomas

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2003
Total Posts : 2921
   Posted 12/12/2004 10:44 AM (GMT -7)   
In every couple there should be opposites. It sounds to me like you are the worrier. My husband was very upset at my diagnosis, but he pretty much kept it all inside and stayed by my side when I was in the hospital. The only time he took me to drs appts was when I was not allowed to drive and far be it from him to go into the doctor's office with me. LOL Yet when he faced a prostate biopsy last year and every appt since he expects me to ride along with him. I get a chuckle out of that, but don't say a word. I just go. Please don't worry about things until you know you need to worry about them. If you think the new job is a great deal, go for it. Your good friends at the last job they will stick with you and I am sure you will make more new good friends to help you through any crisis you might have, also. You sound like a really good guy. Your wife won't necessarily get as sick as it sounds. My daughter went through chemo, I did not, but she had a 3 and a 7 year old at the time and worked at home almost daily, along with caring for horses she has. Chemo is not always a terrible ordeal, altho I don't mean to minimize it at all, sometimes it really is. Have faith that she will be one of the fortunate ones. If she isn't she has you by her side. Instead of feeling the ex may be even more problematic because of the breast cancer, consider she may be glad it is not her facing all this and for a change be thoughtful of your needs and your sons's. Let's look at the positive side and pray that it all works out that way. Prayers, MK

New Member

Date Joined Dec 2004
Total Posts : 14
   Posted 12/12/2004 10:59 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you everyone. It was a long night, but it's morning now, there's hot coffee, and I can hear linda laughing on the phone upstairs. The sun isnn't exactly shining (hey, it's december in Seattle), but I am feeling a little better.

Being a 19-year veteran of AA, you would think I' d be better at the one day at a time stuff... lol.



Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2003
Total Posts : 2044
   Posted 12/12/2004 12:59 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Frank, glad to hear that your spirits are a little lighter. BTW, the sun is not shining here in Minnesota, either. In fact, it has been days since we've seen the sun. The only thing I would caution about changing jobs right now is to check on your health care insurance. If you are the one who carries the insurance for your family, you might want to check that if you change jobs Linda's treatments will be covered as they will be considered pre-existing conditions. It might be something to check on. Please encourage Linda to join us on the board. It would be nice to hear from her, too. Hugs, Lauri
"Go confidently into the direction of your dreams. Live the life you always imagined" Thoreau
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2003
Total Posts : 1106
   Posted 12/12/2004 4:47 PM (GMT -7)   
Hi Frank, I am glad you are feeling better now. It is a real roller coaster ride sometimes, but it does get better. By the way, I live in the Tri-Cities, WA. I didn't think the sun hardly ever comes out in Seattle, LOL! It is beautiful there, I must say. Well, take care and hang in there. Hugs, Gail
 It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth -- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up, we will then begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had.   Elisabeth Kubler Ross

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2003
Total Posts : 2272
   Posted 12/12/2004 5:27 PM (GMT -7)   
No sun here in Michigan, it is really gray and wet, and has been for weeks.

Frank, like Julie, I was totally functional for my duration of treatment. Yes, she could have a hard time and yes, she could get sick. My chemo was on Tuesday and I went to lunch afterwards (mistake). Felt fine all day till 11:00, then nausea for about 5 minutes, I threw up once, and never had a stich of nausea again. I took off work on Wed and was just tired. I went to work half day on Thursday and Friday. I was determined to live a normal life and not let cancer or chemo take one minute from me. This went on for 12 weeks, 4 times.
I did radiation, took the 7:15 am time slot and went to work right after. I have no children to look after, but as a single gal, I took care of it all myself.

I really can't comment on the other issues, but agree with Jo-Ann and Lauri. Make the decisions as if BC was not in your life and carry on. Do check on the insurance though, no sense in going bankrupt.

As for statistics, there was less than 1% chance that I should even get diagnosed at age 30, but here I am. Somebody has to be that teeny percentage, and it was me. Even if they give her 10% chance to live 10 years, who says she cannot be in that 10%? Jo-Ann is living proof of that. The stats are just stats, just a way to try and predict what will happen...but your wife is not a stat, just a person.

It is my opinion that it is often harder on the caregivers and the family members than those going through it. I was able to fight actively, while others had to sit and watch. Take cues from your wife, and don't hold back. Don't feel like you need to be the strong one, be who you are and be there for her.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2003
Total Posts : 955
   Posted 12/12/2004 7:28 PM (GMT -7)   

If hearing my story would help you and your wife in anyway....here it goes. I was diagnosed at age 33 (with 2 small children). Had a mastectomy and no other treatments at that time. Well, 2 years later I ended up getting a recurrence of cancer in my sternum. Then I had 6 months of chemo and 33 treatments of rads. That was in 1988 and I have not had any other sign of cancer since then (thank God). Hope that hearing about an almost 20 year survivor helps you both.

Hugs and hang in therel.......this will all be behind you sooner than you think and your lives will be on the way to being normal again.


"What sweetness is left in life if you take away friendship? It is like robbing the world of the sun"

New Member

Date Joined Dec 2004
Total Posts : 14
   Posted 12/12/2004 7:46 PM (GMT -7)   
To each and every one of you.... thank you.

We are doing ok this evening... relaxing before meeting with the doctor tomorrow.

I will post as soon as I know more...


Veteran Member

Date Joined Sep 2003
Total Posts : 854
   Posted 12/13/2004 9:36 AM (GMT -7)   
Hi Frank,

Glad to know morning is looking brighter. We all go through this, and some days will be better than others, but Jo-Ann said exactly what I would have said. Try to keep a healthy balance. And you WILL be through this sooner than you thought. Treatments tend to be methodical, and ticking them off always makes the time go by faster. You'll also fall into a routine so you'll know what to expect. Hang in there.

Hugs to you both from sunny California,

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2003
Total Posts : 892
   Posted 12/13/2004 10:16 AM (GMT -7)   

Hi, Frank, Well, the sun IS shining here in Las Vegas.  Glad the morning has brightened your spirits as well.  I think I agree with the poster who said you seem to be the "worrier" in the family.  Also the middle of the night is never the best time when there's an elephant sitting in the corner of your bedroom.

Re: chemo.  I was never nauseous during the whole time of my tx, so I never threw up.  I felt really well for 2 weeks and awful for one, just as Julie said.  If I had something impt. going on like family events (because thankfully life does go on and the routine is reassuring) I discussed it with my onc. and we worked around the event.  So don't expect the worst; everyone's body is different.

Your new job opportunity sounds exciting.  Discuss it with Linda; see what her feelings are about the change.  In the end the decision wll be yours but you'll make it with lots of imput from your partner.  I promise she still loves you, she is not fragile and her mind still functions clearly.  Don't think of her as someone who needs to be coddled and protected.  She is still the person she was before the dx, she just has lots more on her mind. 

Hope this helps you out.  Luci

In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me lay an invincible summer.  Albert Camus

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