been thinking and thinking

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Date Joined Sep 2003
Total Posts : 1373
   Posted 10/20/2005 3:20 PM (GMT -7)   
I'm in a bind, here.  I've got this great job offer, one that would pay back my loans and give me school vacations to be with Matthew and let me be a therapist to children, not just test them.  It's on an indian reservation in Maine.  I could live by the coast in a beautiful place. 
Problem is with DH.  He is throwing a temper tantrum.  I want to check it out, the offer won't last forever, and then come back for the school holidays (1 week in February 1 week in March), then have him up in April, and come back for the whole summer off. 
It's a $15,000 raise, and I'd be respected instead of demoralized and infantalized, which is the situation with my current supervisor, and I won't have to treat sex offenders anymore.  I want to try it for half the school year, in January.  He's putting his foot down and being really scary about it.  Day before yesterday he told his son's mother that "we" were thinking of moving to Maine, and then two mornings in a row he tells me that he'll divorce me for abandonment if I do it.
I finally talked to a couple of friends, who both thought he was being unreasonable and that I may regret not going to try this.  I finally made up my mind today to accept, came home, and Diane, my friend and neighbor told me how her and her husband were talking and looking at DH outside, looking really degected when he was looking at the deck and the planter he put in (for me).  I felt like a creep about that.  I'm not leaving him, though, I want him to come up after the summer.  His biggest client said he'd keep his business if he moved, DH is just scared as all get out to take a risk.  I'm sick of the drug dealers on the corner of my village.  The gangs in the school scare me.  Maine looked pretty wholesome.  This would pay my loans!!!!!!!!!  He should consider it.  At least come up with me in a few weeks to check it out.  He's refused so far.  I'm thinking of accepting and hoping he'll come around about it. 

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall." -Confucius


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Date Joined Oct 2004
Total Posts : 826
   Posted 10/20/2005 9:06 PM (GMT -7)   
Oh Ellen, that's a tough situation.  I don't envy you.  I don't have any advice, but believe you should do what you think is right in your gut.  If that means to go for it, I'm sure he will see how much you want this and come around.  GOOD LUCK!
L & H,

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Date Joined Jul 2003
Total Posts : 586
   Posted 10/21/2005 4:24 AM (GMT -7)   
Ellen, I'm with Kathy.  I dont want to tell you what to do.  Me personally, would go for it, especially if it meant getting away from drug dealers and such.  I would think of my son in that situation.  Also, it would be financially better for the family, especially those loans being paid off.  I dont understand how your husband is soo against it.  I just wouldnt want you to regret not trying it.  But on the other hand, what if he doesnt "come around".  Would it be worth it then.  In my mind yes, if it meant a better life for my son.

^@^._.-((|))-. VICKY.-((|))-._.^@^
Feelin' a litle batty!

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2003
Total Posts : 2921
   Posted 10/21/2005 5:30 AM (GMT -7)   
Gosh Ellen, this is a real toughy. I have followed my husband all over the country, first in the Navy and then as things shut down in the rust belt, the oil crisis of the early 80s and finally here. I don't know if the rolls had been reversed if he would have done the same for me, probably not. But then I never had a really high paying job. That job sounds like a wonderful one. Living in Maine would be safer it seems. I could also be much colder. What you are suggesting, Jan to summer surely sounds reasonable to me. It is not that many months and with holidays and school breaks you could visit back and forth while you do your trial months. It could be he would learn to love the outwoodsy Maine even more than you. NY to Maine is not so far if there is a good highway cutting across, but I don't think there is because of mountains. I'll keep you in my prayers as you make your plans and decision. Hugs MK

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Date Joined Jul 2003
Total Posts : 2272
   Posted 10/21/2005 5:42 AM (GMT -7)   
Ellen, this is complicated.....I think if you go for a trial period, your husband is afraid you won't come back...and for whatever reason he is not thrilled with the idea of moving, which is understandable. You have to do what is best for you...personally, professionally and for the family. Sounds like that is not an easy mix right now, as you are being pushed and pulled all over. A "trial" may be the way to go, just to see if it works, but are you talking about living apart for those months? That would be hard on the marriage and family, just be sure to keep that in mind too....

Dig deep and find the right answer for you, you can do it!

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Date Joined Jul 2003
Total Posts : 1294
   Posted 10/21/2005 6:32 AM (GMT -7)   


Life situations are so very hard to manage, especially when there is so much stress and tension involved.  Change is never easy, but it is the only thing that is constant. 

I believe that what is best for our children, whom we have been blessed with, along with the absolute responsibility of their well-being, should always be the deciding factor.  But, sometimes we mix that up with our justifications to make what we want look noble.  You really need to get this straight.  Your present living situation has been a constant for a long time and all of you have survived.

I do think a trial period is a good thing.  How often do we have a chance to just try things out?  It could put many things into perspective and give you and your DH time to make really good decisions.  The job sounds like a wonderful opportunity, that if isn't tried may well be a regret that could fester the rest of your life. 

I will have you and your family in my prayers.  HE seems to always have the answer for me, I pray HE will help you with yours.



Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: if one falls down, his friend can help him up.  Ecclesiastes 4:9-10

Veteran Member

Date Joined Sep 2003
Total Posts : 1373
   Posted 10/21/2005 8:02 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks Ladies:
Candy, thanks for those wise words about checking out justification.  It's been on my mind that I've been trying to make Matthew's life a good one here and trying to overcome the bad elements here.  I really think that my being around in the afternoons will be good for him later on, when the elements will have the most influence.  I've decided to go for it for the trial.  Hopefully DH will come around and help out.  We could potentially see each other for a week each month.  I just talked to the human resources girl and she said it's ten hours drive to the jersey shore, without traffic and a dog LOL.  I think I would have a better chance of it because there wouldn't be much traffic to come back to Liberty.
I need a 4-wheel drive vehicle.  That's next.
Thanks so much ladies.  I knew I could count on you. 
I can keep my docs for this year, since I'll be coming back a couple of times during the months.
"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall." -Confucius


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