Hi Susie and ZenHen and anyone else who may be reading. ZenHen, I wish you improvement/remission/cure with whatever health issue that you're dealing with is close to being true. I'm sorry I'm not being more specific, but I don't know what forum you're on. Susie, I hope at least the triple digits heat has gone down to 2 digits! I cannot imagine heat like that. We've been having severe, long, and heavy rain, with lots of lightning, too. The plants definitely needed the water, but for people who need or want to go outside, I think it would be dreadful.
Well..,,,that's all the small talk I can manage. I didn't look at the last few posts I've written so I'm not sure what all I've shared. I "think" I reported that my infectious disease doctor said the staph was gone and I had healed from the surgery very well. That was good news. It's still good news. But it only gave me fuel to heal my negativity and downward spiral for about
2 days. On that second day I went out with two girlfriends for lunch at a major spa nearby, and it was all lovely..we were able to eat outside under a tiki hut and there were fans and misters spraying us to stay cool enough to be outside. We'd been lucky that our outing occurred during a sunny, blue sky day, not the rainy days. There were pools and lush landscape all around. Really ideal. I "got dolled up" for the first time in forever- wig, make-up, a new top I had bought just before the July 17 surgery that was supposed to basically make me whole , really cute top, jewelry, great purse, great shoes, everything. I was so elated about
getting out of the house. I'd been just about
quarantined for so long except for doctors' appointments, and I never bothered "getting dressed" beyond frumpy 'for the house only' clothes -even to the doctors' appointments!
Everything did not go totally without a hitch. Other than a turtleneck I don't think there is ANY neckline that can hide the sunken hole in my left side without a lot of effort. My top was not low cut, but I still had to make it come up higher by pinning it in the back at the neckline so that it would raise the front. Also, although the great jewelry I chose were perfect for that top, the 2 necklaces I wore had to serve a purpose. One of them ended just past where the neckline began, effectually holding the top down so there couldn't be an unintended view of what was underneath. And a much longer necklace served to kind of weigh the whole top down--the top was of extremely thin material and the slightest wind or passing of the fan near us could cause it to billow out. I have several of those huge post-mastectomy bras that are supposed to cover everything (and they normally do), but in my case the the large cave that was dug out of me due to the staph infection could not be completely covered by any bra. I stuffed that side with the prosthesis I had from when the tissue expander in my right breast collapsed. It wasn't big enough since the cavity goes deeper than just having a breast collapse. So I filled it with whatever padding I could find, adjusted the neckline of my top, and had 2 necklaces to keep the top from moving at all.
Yet, despite these measures, just regular body movements to sit, stand, turn, eat, reach for my drink, all made a peek into the ugliness happen. Even with the bra that practically goes up to my throat and all the stuffing, even a peek revealed what couldn't be hidden: the top, middle edge of where the dug out area begins and continues into the cave. So all through what WAS a lovely few hours with friends, I had to continually check and adjust my top and jewelry to cover the ugly.
Maybe it was that experience that caused me to wake up in the dark pit of despair and hopelessness that I increasingly feel daily. To go through as much effort as I did to look normal, to look like me, the pre-mastectomy me, and hide what was really there, and to have the efforts largely fail while just doing a regular activity--eating out in public, was like a knock-out punch. pt 1... i'll continue in a little bit..
Post Edited (exqualls) : 9/13/2018 5:48:40 PM (GMT-6)