I can't believe it's been so long since I've written. It certainly hasn't been because I've been busy. Just about
the only thing I've done is binge watch tv shows. I needed to see the newest season of House of Cards, and since it had been over a year since I watched season 4, my husband and I went back to season 1 and went through every episode through season 4, and just this week started season 5. With a gf down the street we binged on Stranger Things. One of the cable channels has been airing old ER episodes, starting with the pilot. Supposedly there are 15 seasons of ER, but so far they just keep repeating seasons one through 4 over and over.
I've done my pre-cancer warm up routines maybe only every other day. I am up to 4 push ups. I am stuck at 45 sit ups, and the last ten kill me. Splits are still difficult and far from complete. On a few of the 10 point balance moves I can hold the position for a few seconds without much wobbling. But once I do the pivot on my balancing foot, it's all over...... I mean I keep going, but each of the moves I do after the pivot is pitiful. It was never this hard as a beginner. Duh, I have GBS and my feet are numb and I have no sense of balance, so I know I can't expect quick, or even complete success.....perhaps ever.
I've been having a pity party for the last couple days over my hair....which is stuck at 1 1/2 inches, and stands straight up all over my head. Anyone who has followed my thread from the start knows that I have hair issues. I had quite long, and pretty, hair. I'm not a young person, but I had young person hair. I'm not sure how many more years I would have kept it this long, or even longer, but I do know that when the time would come for me to have a more mature person's hair, I would never, ever gone for a mannish cut, like many older women do. And once again, please forgive me for having such negative emotions toward very short hair, I have no idea what childhood incident put that imprint in my brain, but it's there.
Actually, there are four things I've managed to do for decades, because I didn't want the negative consequences that would almost certainly come later. Living in Florida my whole life, as a kid and teen and sometimes one's entire life, is spent enjoying getting a tan. When I was VERY young, like 12 or 13, I kept overhearing my mom and so many of my mom's friends (who were in there 30s and 40s) complaining about
the "sun spots" on their hands making their hands look so old. And way back then I remember I started putting SPF 30 on my hands, and I did it daily, even when not tanning, and to this day I do not have a single spot on my hands. Another thing I saw when I was pretty young were the debilitating effects of osteoporosis, and I vowed I'd never end up hunched over. So I read that I needed extra calcium, magnesium, vit D3, and weight-bearing exercises to ward off bone loss through the years. And for decades I have diligently taken those measures and it has worked. When I had a bone density scan before surgery, she said I have the bones of a 25 year old. The third thing was I didn't want to end up with missing teeth or dentures when I was old, so even though I never went to my PC doctor for an annual pap smear or breast exam (STUPID!!!!!!!).... I never missed a six month cleaning.
The 4th thing I've worked on for decades was the hair. I know I sound so vain and shallow. I am lucky to be alive. However, these four things I had control over for decades, and for decades I have succeeded. The hair was lost overnight. It came out 2 days before Thanksgiving last year, and even though I stopped chemo in February, seven months ago, I only have 1 1/2 inches of hair. And my hair grows hideously slow, it always has. So I will have this mannish hair for a very long time. I can't wear a wig every moment of the day---they get hot, itchy sometimes, and I'm sure it's good to have my scalp "breathe".....
It's so hard to have worked on something for decades and have it taken away overnight, and not easily or quickly replaceable. I guess I'd feel the same if chemo caused my teeth to fall out overnight and I had to wait a very long time to have them again, or if I'd woken up suddenly hunched over, or my hands suddenly were covered with sun spots, and I wasn't allowed to even cover the spots for a long time.
So decades of living a certain way to achieve certain results, and then to have one thing gone is traumatizing me. I do feel ridiculous saying that, but it's true.
I still have this deflated right tissue expander and the right side of my chest is quite ugly, yet I'm not traumatized by that. I'm irked I still don't have a surgery date to replace it, but that's different. There was nothing I did every day to protect my breasts, so the loss of them isn't as hard on me, maybe. Maybe if I had religiously done self exams and never missed an annual checkup, I'd feel more "cheated" out of losing my breasts. But I was stupid. I avoided breast exams from as early as I can remember, because my breasts were large and I could feel lumps in them. I'm sure as a 12 year old the lumps were nothing, but I was scared to know for sure, so I just never continued with the self exams and kept away from doctors unless it was unavoidable.
Aye, aye, aye.... I go from not chatting at all to babbling like a self-centered idiot. Of course I have other things on my mind that are depressing me besides my stupid hair, but perhaps it's just easier to pin ALL of my hurt and angry and helpless feelings toward my hair, than it is to address the other issues.
Best of health and positive thought to all. I need to remember this, too, and stop wallowing!
Post Edited (exqualls) : 9/22/2017 3:18:16 PM (GMT-6)