this past year

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Veteran Member

Date Joined Sep 2003
Total Posts : 1373
   Posted 12/27/2005 11:12 AM (GMT -7)   
I find myself thinking about this past year frequently these past few weeks.  I've never had such a dramatic roller coaster ride of triumph and crisis.  I rang it in with a successful dissertation defense, and then I was faced with what was probably the hardest thing I've ever done.  I've been grieving these past few weeks.  My DSIL had a baby 6 weeks ago, and I kept thinking 'Mine would have been a couple of months old by now,' imagining myself changing diapers and staying home to care for my baby.  Now I get faced with the feeling of being barren when baby commercials come on or charachters on TV have babys.
I have not posted about these feelings because of what I had to do.  I've been afraid of someone voicing an opinion that would have made me feel worse.  It's been so so hard.  I try to think about graduating, my party I had for my friends and family and the trip to Florida I took with Matthew to at least give me some positives to counter the tortured feelings about what happened.  They are completely different events, though, and I just get dumbfounded when I think about the crevasse and the mountain that these events were to me.
Of course, there's also the "what if I have a recurrance."  and thinking about Di and Vicki and their battles.  I'm very blown away by it all.
I'm really really ready for '06.

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall." -Confucius


Post Edited (coopfesta) : 12/27/2005 11:21:18 AM (GMT-7)

Regular Member

Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 188
   Posted 12/27/2005 4:34 PM (GMT -7)   
Oh Ellen, I cant even imagine the loss you must feel. I hope that the coming year brings many blessings to you.

Love and hugs

There are no wrong turnings, only paths we did not know we were meant to take - Guy Gavriel Kay

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2005
Total Posts : 688
   Posted 12/27/2005 9:03 PM (GMT -7)   

Such a heartfelt letter, it makes me sad to know what you have went through. I would never judge you, I think each person has the right to choose. Please know that we are always here for you. I know alot of us will be happy to put 2005 behind us.

lots of love to you

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2003
Total Posts : 2921
   Posted 12/29/2005 1:04 PM (GMT -7)   
Amen. I agree with Bernadette and Chantry. We are with you all the way with many hugs and much love, MK

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2003
Total Posts : 892
   Posted 12/29/2005 5:13 PM (GMT -7)   

Dear, dear Ellen,  No one except someone who has had to make a similar decision can know what you're feeling.  Even then, it's not exactly the same.

It seems to me that when you were struggling with the situation that you had a very clear grasp of the ramifications of a decision made either way.  Of course, cold logic is w/out feeling and it's easy to hide behind.

Ellen, you know that I always refer to BC as "the gift that keeps on giving."  Your year is a typical example of the pain, anxiety and oftentimes second-guessing this wretched disease places in our hearts and on our shoulders.

The pain will lessen with the passage of time as all pain surely does.  Every time your Matthew does something especially wonderful and you are there to witness it, congratulate yourself for your bravery and your heroism.  You had a difficult, difficult decision to make.  You could have done nothing, but you didn't and that my friend, takes a lot of courage.

IMHO, we're all heroes on this board, but sometimes there is more demanded from some of us than we'd like.  This was your year, Ellen.  Give it a wave goodbye and look forward to 2006.  I'm honored to be a tiny part of your life and to know that lots of what gets said and discussed here helps each one of us.

Keep strong, look forward to living the life you've chosen for yourself and your family in spite of this disease.

Hugs from here, more later....Luci

In the depth of winter, I finally learned that within me lay an invincible summer.  Albert Camus

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2003
Total Posts : 1106
   Posted 12/29/2005 5:20 PM (GMT -7)   
Dear Ellen, Luci said it beautifully. I love you and want you to be happy and healthy. No matter what decisions you or any of my dear friends on this board make, I am behind you and ready to hold your hand or happy dance when needed. May we all have a happy 2006.
Love and Hugs, Gail
  It's only when we truly know and understand that we have a limited time on earth -- and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up, we will then begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had.
Elisabeth Kubler Ross

Regular Member

Date Joined Jun 2005
Total Posts : 349
   Posted 12/31/2005 3:43 PM (GMT -7)   
Oh my, I have no response to your post, but I'm adding another hero to my list of BC survivors. I support you in all you have done and will do in the future. God Bless you and yours.


Regular Member

Date Joined Mar 2004
Total Posts : 340
   Posted 1/1/2006 5:09 PM (GMT -7)   
Don't ever feel like you need to say your sorry for a choice you had to make. All of us need to make decisions that we can live with and know in our hearts we did what each of us needed to do for our own peace of mind. I am so sorry that you ever had to make such a choice. I pray that 2006 will bring some peace of mind. I know how you are feeling worring about a reacurrance I am having a really hard time getting past this and I feel like it will always be in the for front of my life. But I get up every day and do what I need to do and try very hard not to let my family see this. Its not my every waking thought but it seems to be there way to often. I will keep you in my prayers and wish you a very wonderful New Year and many new blessings.
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