Mom age 76 breast cancer. I just found out! Living a nightmare

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FearBug
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2016
Total Posts : 72
   Posted 11/19/2017 9:57 PM (GMT -6)   
I just found out my mom had a mass on a mammogram discovered a year ago and she never followed up. A couple months ago on a routine mammogram they discovered the mass is bigger. She never told anyone because she didn’t want anyone interfering with her caring for my 48 year old sister who batters stiff person syndrome and her two daughters whom my Mother has been taking care of for 10 years. My sister has never taken care of her responsibilities. To make matters worse, my mothers only source of income is social security and my sister collects welfare. My brother is homeless and I live with my boyfriend who is living with heart failure and our daughter. None of us can care for my sister and her kids, but we would take our mom in. My mom won’t leave , my sister.

I just found out last week that my mother had this, from
my brother. He knew and so did my sister whom my Mother is taking care of.
My Mother is being very evasive about her diagnosis. She says she think she it’s the last stage. She is having surgery Tuesday to have the lump removed. She has no car, and my sister she takes care off is a hoarder.
To top it all off my sister smokes in the apartment they live in, despite how many times I have begged her to stop.

I am scared to death for my mom. She will not leave my sister. She walks to buy my sister beer and cigarettes. She is 76! and I am worried sick about her health. Especially during this awful time of her battling this. I am hoping it is not stage 4. Does anyone know how fast breast cancer grows in a years time? I am so angry at my sister and so upset my Mom did not follow up a year ago or tell anyone. To make matters worse, I live almost 3 hours away in another state.

My Mother has been takin care of my sister out Of guilt because we had a very abusive father growing up, and my Mother never divorced him.

I wish there was a way I could take my mom out of that apartment Legally, or have my disabled sister removed from the apartment. I am scared sick for my Mother. I am going to try to move closer with my boyfriend and our daughter, but I’m worried about her meanwhile. I worry about her continuing to take care of my sister going through chemo and battling this. This is a horrible situation. My sister is selfish, and has always put her needs first. I don’t want to take care of her and her kids, but if I feel that would be the only way to relive my mother of this. My sister does nothing for herself and her kids. She uses the money the state gives her to by electronics and games. I don’t even have the money to care for her or the time. I work full time to pay off my debt. I don’t know what to do. I’m so scared for my Mom. My Mother said to me one time tha wherever she lives, my sister will have to live with her. So one of us siblings would have to take care of my sister and her two kids in order to get my Mother out if this situation.

I dont have the money, and I live with ,my boyfriend who supports me financially. I can’t ask him to do that, especially when he and I are having relationship problems to begin with. And he is living with heart disease.
I don’t know what to do. This is stressing me out and making me sick.

Sorry about the long post. I just wanted to try and give a clear picture of the situation. I am feeling like I am headed for a breakdown over this

straydog
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 16773
   Posted 11/20/2017 2:43 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi FearBug, so sorry to read about your mom. I am sure you are terrified, hearing the word cancer knocks the wind out of anyone. It sounds like your mom is having a lumpectomy & will be taking an oral chemo medication. Keep in mind women beat breast cancer because of modern medicine. I am not going to address what stage she has simply because you don't know either. It sounds like your mom doesn't really know. Without a biopsy report in hand no one knows.

As far as your sister is concerned that is completely out of your control. In all honesty, the less said to your mother about your sister the better. Your mom has enough to deal with right now, if you give her any grief over your sister, it is not going to help your mom at all. All you can do is ask your mom what you can do to help her, not your sister, just your mom. It sounds like your mother made her mind up years ago that she would take care of your sister. That is a responsibility she took on herself for whatever reason. I don't understand what you said is wrong with your sister. Your mom will be somewhat limited after surgery for awhile but it may help take the cancer thing off of her mind at the same time. Do you understand what I am trying to say? You just need to tread lightly & not upset your mom. I do get what you are saying about your sister though.

If you cannot afford to take on your sister & kids which is a major ordeal, don't stress over it. It is not fair in my opinion to add that responsibility to you or your boyfriend. Who knows now that this has happened with your mom, a lot of things may change with your sister. I suggest keeping yourself healthy as possible so you can help your mom in whatever way you can.

Take care & keep us posted.
Susie
Moderator in Chronic Pain & Psoriasis Forums

Post Edited (straydog) : 11/20/2017 2:38:04 PM (GMT-7)


FearBug
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2016
Total Posts : 72
   Posted 11/20/2017 9:23 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you Straydog for your kind words and advice, it means more to me than you can imagine smile

My sister has a rare condition called stiff person syndrome where the muscles stiffen up progressively. They don’t know a whole lot about it and it is not curable, but medicines slow the progression. It is hard for her to walk as muscle spasms cause a lot of pain, and she spends most of her time in bed. It has only been this bad for the last two years. My Mother has been taking care of my sister’s daughters long before it got to this point. My sister always had a reason to not be there 100 percent for her kids, because she was either too depressed, or had insomnia and couldn’t sleep at night so my mom would come over to her apartment and take care of the girls during the day so my sister could sleep. Then my sister started to get back pain and it got worse over the years, so my Mother decided to move in with her.
I don’t want to upset my Mom. I will not. It is so hard to stand by and see this. My Mother takes care of everything, and doesn’t take care of. herself. She sleeps on a couch, and doesn’t even have tv to watch because she can’t afford it. But my sister bought herself and her two daughters cell phones, and video games etc. my Mother takes care if my sister Andy her kids before she take some care of herself. I worry about her constantly, because she Is killing herself taking care of my sister’s problems. I have given my Mother money, and it all goes to stuff my sister wants. I tell my mom to save it, and the next thing I know, they are behind in their rent, and ask for more money to the point I don’t have anymore to give. Now they are being taken to court because they are behind on their rent, and my Mom is dealing with all of this.
My sister does not do a thing, but dictate to my Mother. My Mother is 76, and now facing cancer. I feel I have to do something. This can’t be how her life turns out. This is a living nightmare.

I am sorry about another rant. I feel so helpless and hopeless. Tomorrow my Mother gets surgery to take I the lump out is what she told me. I am leaving to see her in the am. It’s a 3 hour drive from where I live. The hospital will not tell me any information, and my Mother is impossible to get a hold of by phone, as no one answers their cell phones. I am so uptight about what I will find out. I also will hate to leave her tomorrow evening as I have to drive back home as I have to work the next day.
I don’t think I will see her for Thanksgiving. She does not have it where she lives, and she would never let me take her to my house and leave my sister. I also don’t know if she will still be in the hospital. I struggle with that and trying to make Thanksgivig as normal and happy here at hone for my daughter.
I love my Mother so much, this is killing me inside.
I am sorry for such a long reply. It just feels a little better to vent and get it out. I am hoping tomorrow I get some more answers about her condition at the hospital, because it has been hard to get her to tell me everything. I would have never found out If my brother didn’t tell my other sister who told me.

FearBug
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2016
Total Posts : 72
   Posted 11/20/2017 9:30 PM (GMT -6)   
Also, I am sorry for all of the typos. I use my phone and it auto corrects almost everything I type :/

Thanks again for letting me vent smile

straydog
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 16773
   Posted 11/21/2017 8:44 AM (GMT -6)   
FearBug, I am thinking of you & your mom this morning. I do hope the surgery goes well. Today is a good day for you to get to speak to her dr when he finishes surgery. Ask the dr your questions as to the stage of cancer & what she will need to do post-op.

How old are the 2 kids of your sister's? It does sound like your mom has a lot on her plate taking care of everyone.

Please let us know how the surgery went & come here to vent any time.
Susie
Moderator in Chronic Pain & Psoriasis Forums

FearBug
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2016
Total Posts : 72
   Posted 11/21/2017 5:37 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you straydog. I drove to see my Mom today and when I got there they told me she rescheduled her surgery.
I went to her house. She looks good under the circumstances and she says she feels good. I tried to get as much information from her as possible. She thinks they told her she has stage 3. She told me her surgery will be a mastectomy. She seemed more concerned for my sisters health than her own.
My sisters two girls are 12 and 13. My mother had pretty much helped raise them since they are infants.
I offered for my Mom to live with me and my daughter and boyfriend, but she won't leave my sister.
She rescheduled he surgery because she has to face court with their landlord who wants to evict them for missing several months rent.
It is such a big unruly mess and I don't know how to help.
On one end of the spectrum I was planning on splitting with my boyfriend of 16 years and getting my own place and finally live a happy life for myself once I pay off my debt as he financially supports me. On the other hand he is willing to buy a place for us to live to be closer to my mom and help take care of her, and that means I feel stuck to be in this miserable relationship for the rest of my life. I am so torn. I don't have the means to care for two extra children along with h my child, and that is not what I had planned for my future. I would take my mom in no matter here I live, even if it's with my boyfriend until I get my own place. I know he would be ok with that. But I could not ask him to take care of my two nieces and possibly my sister. That's not fair to him especially since he has his own healthissues he is dealing with.
I feel like I have to do something because my mother can't continue like this. She can't take care of herself if she is spending all of her energy caring for 3 people and court etc.

My sister and I told her we would help her in anyway we could. But we can't take care of my sister. We believe my sister needs to be in a nursing home or a hospital setting so she can get proper care. She is at the point where my mother cannot continue to care for her. My sister does not even take care of herself, as she smokes and barely eats so thy the pain medicine works better. I think she only gets out of bed to use the bathroom.
I feel so helpless to help my Mom, yet it's making me sick to stand by knowing she has all of this she is dealing with. To top it all off, my brother is homeless and is an alcoholic.
It just doesn't end. There come a point where people have to help themselves. I am scared for my mom.

straydog
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 16773
   Posted 11/21/2017 8:44 PM (GMT -6)   
FearBug, first off take a deep breath & calm down. I know how much you want to help your mom & your concern. But, as an outsider looking in, you say your relationship is not good with your boyfriend. So, you are in a mess yourself. Taking on the responsibility of your mother & sister is not the right thing to do. You would be creating a bigger mess. You mention you have a daughter, she does not need anymore chaos in her life. Please think about this & what I am saying. I am old enough to be your mom, I am 64 years old. If you were my daughter this is what I would be telling you.

Your mom has to be willing to help herself in this too. One person (you) cannot make all of this right. It is beyond your means. If they are being evicted & go through the court there is a chance they will have to move unless your mother comes up with money.

For now all you can do is take each day one at a time. This entire situation is out of your control you need to remember that. Keep me posted.
Susie
Moderator in Chronic Pain & Psoriasis Forums

Post Edited (straydog) : 11/21/2017 6:56:55 PM (GMT-7)


FearBug
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2016
Total Posts : 72
   Posted 11/22/2017 10:16 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you straydog for taking the time to respond to my posts and for your understanding. You are so right in everything you said. I have a tendency to want to try and fix things or control things when everything Feels so so out of control. I have worried sick for my mom my whole life, from the age of five, as my dad was extremely abusive, and an alcoholic. I don’t ever stop worrying about her. I know I can’t fix this all, and I am just making myself sick trying to figure this all out, all along trying to recover from my own health issues.
I am grateful that you have taken the time to listen to my rants and respond with your insight. It has really made me feel better hearing someone else’s point of view, and gaining some perspective from it. Thank you so very much. I will keep you posted, and I will keep praying for things to work out for the better.
I hope you have a wonderful Thanksgiving!!
Anxiety/ newly diagnosed with gastritis and esophagitis

FearBug
Regular Member


Date Joined Sep 2016
Total Posts : 72
   Posted 3/8/2018 8:47 PM (GMT -6)   
I am writing here because my whole story is here. It’s just a terrible situation. My mom and sister wind up getting evicted. I told my sister she needs to tak care of her situation and stop making my mother do all of the trucking especially at her age fighting’s cancer. My sister has never taken care of her own responsibilities even before she was diagnosed with stiff person syndrome. There was always an excuse why she could not raise her kids. She can do more for herself and her kids than she is letting on.
Long story short, because of what I said, she won’t allow my mother to call me. My Mother post phoned getting her tumor removed to take care of finding a place for my sister and her kids to live and so her tumor bled through. She had to be taken to the hospital whee she stayed for three weeks. No phone call from my Mother or sister to let me know. My niece confessed in so many words that my sister won’t let my Mother call me because I have a perfect life. I was able to talk to my Mother twice after her surgery and she wouldn’t tell me what stage cancer she’s has. She tries to act confused like she doesn’t know, or the doctors never told her. I ask her if I can visit and she’s tells me now isn’t a good time. That she is fine and feels really good. I ask her is she is on chemotherapy and she acts like she doesn’t know what that is! I as her why she doesn’t call me and she’s just keeps telling me she has a lot going on but promised to call me once week. That was two months ago. I can’t get a hold of her. I know they are living in a motel temporarily but my niece is not allowed to tell me where. My sister (her mother) won’t allow her to tell me. She is doing this to punish me for what I said to her. My Mother is listening to her. I can’t drive to see my Mom because I don’t know where they are. I have no idea how much time my Mother has or how she is. My daughter talks to my niece via text, but my niece relays no information to her. I am so hurt by this it is unimagineable my Mother would cut me out of her life at the dictatorship of my sister who is apparently “disabled”. I have asked my niece who is 13, time and time again to have Grandmom call me, and she either doesn’t respond, or tells me I have to talk to my sister. I hate to have to ask a child but I am desperate. My Mother won’t call me or answer because my sister has her cell phone.

I am so exhausted with worry and hurt, my own health is suffering. I don’t know where to go from here. I don’t know if I will ever see my Mother again and I am so hurt she would choose to comply with my sister to make her happy when her time may be limited.

The fact that my Mothers tumor bled through, does that sound like stage 4? She never signed a hippa form so her doctors won’t tell me. I am pulling at straws anymore. This is like one big nightmare. I am completely shocked about how my Mother is handling this. To make matters worse my brother is homeless, addicted to alcohol, and she won’t talk to him either. Or my other sister. I have two sisters and a brother. All to make my oldest sister happy. I have given my mother everything I could
Possibly give. To money I couldn’t afford to give to clothes, to help clean out my sisters mess, and this is the ending result.
Sorry for the ramble. I feel like I can’t try anymore and all of my efforts at trying to reach my mother are hopeless. I am so hurt she could cut me out of her life like this. And not even care about her health all to take care of my sister and her responsibilities when my sister has been taking advantage of her for years by throwing our abusive childhood at the hands of our father in my mother’s face. Because my Mother did not leave him. So my mother feels responsible for her now.
I know I need to get myself therapy to deal with this all, because I know I am in for a long road of pain ahead.
Thanks for letting me let it out.

straydog
Forum Moderator


Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 16773
   Posted 3/9/2018 8:01 AM (GMT -6)   
FearBug, what a mess!! Let me run something by you about "stiff person syndrome". I read about it quickly this morning at the Mayo Clinic's website. I always look things up there because the info is reliable. There is so much garbage on the net. This condition has NOTHING to do with abuse!! I have no idea who told your mother this or perhaps your mother assumed it. They think it is an autoimmune disease of some type & it affects the central nervous system. It is still not clear what causes it as there are many unknowns about it. What I can tell you is there is treatment available for it!! There seems to be a lot of misinformation going on with your sister & even your mother. I checked some other sites & they all same pretty much the same thing.

This tumor bleed is something I am not familiar with or even heard of. I am clueless on that one. What I will tell you is this, there are many kinds of breast cancer. Just as there is different treatments available for the type. You have been given no reliable information about your mom's cancer. Your mother is being too vague with everything. Stage 4 cancer means the cancer has spread to other tissue & organs. From what you are describing about your mom, I going to guess the answer is no. This is a guess, in fact she wasn't sure if it was stage 3. Let me point this out to you. Since your mom is your sister's caregiver, I would think your mom would do whatever it takes to get herself healthy in order to care for your sister. I don't think you have considered this at all. You have been too upset over this entire situation to consider everything. I feel like your mom will do whatever it takes to keep herself healthy so she can continue to care for your sister. It is a sick game they are playing with you because they know you are upset & can do nothing to get information. Your mother is playing right along with your sister in my opinion. I don't mean to be rude FearBug, but I honestly believe you are being played on every level by both of them. I am not saying your mother does not have cancer, but it may not be as bad as your mind is telling you is my point. My thinking is if your mother's cancer was that advanced & she was doing nothing, her drs could possibly dismiss her from their care because she is not being compliant & it would be too much of a risk & liability to keep her as a patient. It's a sick game. I am short on time this morning but later today I am going to post a website for you to read about breast cancer. It is devoted to breast cancer & I think you will gain useful information there.

My email is listed here, you can click the envelope & it will show my email address. If you prefer to email me that is fine. Just put in the heading its FearBug from Healing Well, otherwise I would delete it. I am more concerned about you than anyone to be honest.

More later...
Susie
Moderator in Chronic Pain & Psoriasis Forums
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