Open main menu ☰
HealingWell
Search Close Search
Health Conditions
Allergies Alzheimer's Disease Anxiety & Panic Disorders Arthritis Breast Cancer Chronic Illness Crohn's Disease Depression Diabetes
Fibromyalgia GERD & Acid Reflux Irritable Bowel Syndrome Lupus Lyme Disease Migraine Headache Multiple Sclerosis Prostate Cancer Ulcerative Colitis

View Conditions A to Z »
Support Forums
Anxiety & Panic Disorders Bipolar Disorder Breast Cancer Chronic Pain Crohn's Disease Depression Diabetes Fibromyalgia GERD & Acid Reflux
Hepatitis Irritable Bowel Syndrome Lupus Lyme Disease Multiple Sclerosis Ostomies Prostate Cancer Rheumatoid Arthritis Ulcerative Colitis

View Forums A to Z »
Log In
Join Us
Close main menu ×
  • Home
  • Health Conditions
    • All Conditions
    • Allergies
    • Alzheimer's Disease
    • Anxiety & Panic Disorders
    • Arthritis
    • Breast Cancer
    • Chronic Illness
    • Crohn's Disease
    • Depression
    • Diabetes
    • Fibromyalgia
    • GERD & Acid Reflux
    • Irritable Bowel Syndrome
    • Lupus
    • Lyme Disease
    • Migraine Headache
    • Multiple Sclerosis
    • Prostate Cancer
    • Ulcerative Colitis
  • Support Forums
    • All Forums
    • Anxiety & Panic Disorders
    • Bipolar Disorder
    • Breast Cancer
    • Chronic Pain
    • Crohn's Disease
    • Depression
    • Diabetes
    • Fibromyalgia
    • GERD & Acid Reflux
    • Hepatitis
    • Irritable Bowel Syndrome
    • Lupus
    • Lyme Disease
    • Multiple Sclerosis
    • Ostomies
    • Prostate Cancer
    • Rheumatoid Arthritis
    • Ulcerative Colitis
  • Log In
  • Join Us
Join Us
☰
Forum Home| Forum Rules| Moderators| Active Topics| Help| Log In

Scared for my Mom, stage 4?!!

Support Forums
>
Breast Cancer
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply
❬ ❬ Previous Thread |Next Thread ❭ ❭
profile picture
FearBug
Regular Member
Joined : Sep 2016
Posts : 94
Posted 2/20/2021 2:42 PM (GMT -6)
Hi everyone, I have written here before but it has been a while. I found out from one of my sisters that my mother has stage 4 cancer. My other sister who is my mother's " caregiver" again withheld this information from me because of on going animosity. Long story short my mother took care of her and her two kids for 15 years out of guilt as my sister claimed to be suffering from chronic pain. fast forward to a couple years ago my mother developed breast cancer due to not following up on an abnormal mammogram a year prior. She put off her surgery to again take care of issues my sister could have taken care of, but would not until the tumor bled through her skin and she had to be taken to the hospital, and had both breasts removed and chemo treatments. My sister failed to inform all of us siblings except for one that our mother had breast cancer. My mother did not want us to know either because she knew we would talk her out of continuing to take care of my sister whom she believed was dying of stiff persons syndrome. I live 4 hours away and my sister controls my mother emotionally, my brother who us homeless found out by accident and finally told me and my other sister.
a year later my mother was diagnosed with dementia. so now the roles are reversed and my sister SUDDENLY is cured of all her ailments and is now my mothers caregiver and has power of attorney over my mother. SHe lives with her in a rented house with her tow daughters, my nieces. My mother has been in good health since her breasts were removed and had treatment. I just found out that my mother went to the hospital in october, which again my sister did not tell anyone about, and while she was there, they noticed a swollen lymph nodes under her arm and ran tests. The oncologist told my sister that she has cancer of the lymphatic system and he can not do treatment as there is no tumor so therefore they would not know where to treat the cancer. Furthermore, he said that to do chemo and radiation, would be detrimental to my mothers dementia and health, she is 79 yrs old. And he said her quality of life would be poor. So it sounds like they are talking about a dog here, I am so confused! So basically he said to do a "watch and wait " plan and to watch for any symptoms.

Does this sound right???!

What is even more disturbing is my sister told me her next appointment with the oncologist is in July! That is a little far off for this type of diagnosis??! My sister says its because my mother is on medicade and they give all the attention to the people with money first. There is no money in the family at all. My sister is on disability, I work two jobs just to afford an apartment and make ends meet, my brother is homeless and my other sister works two jobs as well to afford her place. We lost our family home when i was 16 and everything in it.

I am so unsettled about this. I do not understand how cancer of this type works and if this is a common thing that doctors do is to NOT treat it immediately?!

I only know what my sister is telling me. SHe told me all of this yesterday and i have been thinking and thinking and feeling very uncomfortable with everything I heard. I talked with my other sister and she feels the same as me. She wants a second opinion and i agree, but my sister that takes care of my mother is worried about dragging my mother around to a second opinion will put her at risk for Covid. She wants all of our thoughts and I told her that i would want my mother to get treatment as i am a believer that you do all you can until you cant anymore. I feel like my sister is just letting months go by without being proactive about this meanwhile the cancer is in her body. she took the Dr.'s plan to watch and wait and apparently is ok with it. me and my other sister are not.

I am going to contact her oncologist to hopefully hear it all from him. I hope he will talk to me because i tries this when my mother had the breast cancer and the doctors would not tell me anything about my mother because of the HIPPA and i am not her caregiver.

If you have any thoughts or experience with this i would so much appreciate your feedback. Going crazy with worry here.

Thank you!
profile picture
straydog
Forum Moderator
Joined : Feb 2003
Posts : 18869
Posted 2/21/2021 7:59 AM (GMT -6)
Hi FearBug, so sorry to read about your mom's situation. I remember all of the previous problems before.

Please do not get offended by what I am going to say next. I completely understand all of the ill feelings & distrust you have with your sister. However, all of that needs to be put to the side. It seems with the phone call your sister is open to some communication with you. It's important to keep that line open. Now is the time to be civil with each other. Ask your sister what you can do to help with your mom.

I agree about getting a 2nd opinion. You can go on the internet & look for oncologist to find ones that do take Medicaid in their area. Drs offices are taking extreme measures to keep patients safe for visits. They are limiting the amount of patients they take per day. I have been seeing drs so I know how careful they are being. If you can find another one don't be surprised that there is a wait for an appt for this very reason.

I don't know about no follow up for months away. Once she was released from the hospital did she see any drs? Typically even with Medicaid there is a follow up appt. I am sure your sister received a print out of instructions when she was released from the hospital too. She would have also been told of things to watch with your mom.

It's often true with advanced aged patients chemo & radiation is far too much for their bodies to handle. Chemo needs are based on the type of cancer a person has & many of them are just too brutal & can shorten one's life as a result. Chemo can be devastating for younger & healthier people to handle.

My mother had stage 4 lung cancer, chemo & radiation was offered. She refused chemo because she saw what it did to several of her friends that were in their early 70's. They were very ill, in & out of the hospital from the affects of the chemo & they had no quality of life. She told me I have a year left & I am not going to spend my last year sick as hell. I told her it was her decision & I would go along with whatever she decided. What I did do was make sure her time left counted, every day. I had brought her to live with us to get the best care we could. She lived in a small town & the care there was the pits.

If you live 4 hours away now would be a good time to hop in the car on a weekend & go spend some time with your mom. At the same time you can ask your sister to let you see her discharge papers.

Take care.
profile picture
FearBug
Regular Member
Joined : Sep 2016
Posts : 94
Posted 2/21/2021 8:17 AM (GMT -6)
Thank you Straydog,

We are trying to have my sister get a second opinion. We are asking her for my mother’s insurance carrier to try to get her into a cancer hospital, however my sister is not being very proactive.

I thank you for your story of your Mother, it does help me out things into perspective a lot. And I am so sorry about your mother.

I am on good terms with my sister and plan to keep it that way. I wanted to visit my Mother this weekend but my sister does not want me to visit due to the Covid risk. She does not want me to visit. She said I could zoom meet over the phone with my mother. I am not happy about this , but I am afraid I argue I will get cut off again.
profile picture
straydog
Forum Moderator
Joined : Feb 2003
Posts : 18869
Posted 2/21/2021 10:53 AM (GMT -6)
FearBug, do the Zoom calls for now. I know it's not the same as an in person visit but it's better than nothing. Keep that line of communication open.

If your mother worked she would be entitled to Social Security & Medicare. If she didn't, then Medicaid would be her other option. Perhaps in time your sister will be more forthright about things. In the meantime, you can still get on the internet & look for oncologist that take either one. That way perhaps later on your sister may be more open to a second opinion & you will have the information handy.

We want our parents to live forever. I lost both of mine within 18 months of each other. I particularly wanted to share with you about my mom & chemo. She told me about some of her elderly friends & what they went through & the chemo ended their life because it was too brutal. You would not want your mom in that situation.

Keep me posted.
profile picture
FearBug
Regular Member
Joined : Sep 2016
Posts : 94
Posted 2/24/2021 7:09 AM (GMT -6)
Thank you Straydog. My Mothe does has social security and medicare, however to do the second opinion we need to know my Mothers medicare carrier and my sister is saying she lost that information and is waiting to get the information through social security which is going to take time. Half the stuff she says I do not believe, but my hands are tied as I have no way of finding any of this out. I called my Mother's Oncologist office, and they would not tell me anything. Her nurse told me either my Mother has to consent that I can discuss her medical information, which she is not of sound mind, or a power of attorney, and she told me my sister only has Guardianship, not power of attorney. So my sister lied to us when she said she has power of attorney.

So unless I have power of attorney, my hands are tied to do anything. furthermore, i am not able to obtain power of attorney because I am not capable of taking care of my Mother in the way someone with power of attorney does. I work two jobs just to make it on my own, and I live pay check to pay check on top of living 4 hours away.

this pains me and I feel tremendous guilt over it. Even though I know my Mother chose to take care of my sister years ago and forgo her own life and happiness, I still feel guilt over her choices. I have since I was a little girl when my father was drinking and abusive. I can barely even accept my Mother's diagnosis, and I can not even be there or have the means to take care of her. All I feel I can do at this point is pray to God.

I am so sorry to hear about your parents Straydog, that had to have been devastating.

Nothing ever prepares you for this no matter how much you know eventually we will loose someone.

I am video calling my Mother,of course that is when my sister picks up the phone, and she looks great and is happy and chipper. It is still very hard for me accept.

Thank you for all of your advice and thoughts. smile
profile picture
FearBug
Regular Member
Joined : Sep 2016
Posts : 94
Posted 3/4/2021 6:35 AM (GMT -6)
So according to my sister, my Mother's oncologist said that my Mother has slow moving small cell carcinoma in lymph nodes. And because it is slow moving, she is not a candidate for chemotherapy treatment.

This makes no sense to me. I looked up small cell carcinoma on the internet, and no where can I find that that type of carcinoma is slow moving. It all comes up as VERY aggressive.

Is it possible that my Mother is being denied treatment because she is on Medicare? This is very upsetting. Furthermore, my sister is back to not answering calls or text messages this whole week. She said she was going to set up a zoom meeting with my Mother's oncologist with me and my sister so that we could ask questions. She keeps saying she has to wait for the paper work from social security to come to see who my Mother's medicare carrier is so we can get moving on a second opinion.

this all sounds like put offs to me. My sister has known about my Mothers diagnosis since November. And I just found out two weeks ago. I am at my wits end with this. And there is nothing I can do about it.
profile picture
straydog
Forum Moderator
Joined : Feb 2003
Posts : 18869
Posted 3/5/2021 7:36 AM (GMT -6)
Fearbug, your sister is not being honest with you about the insurance situation. If your mother has regular Medicare she has a card with her info on that has to be shown at every dr visit & hospital before she is seen. If she has a Medicare advantage plan it's the same way. There is no waiting on paperwork to come in to see who the insurance is with. I've had Medicare for 15 years & not once have I been turned away & my medical bills are paid. There are some drs that do not accept Medicare, however, when a referral is made the drs offices always verify they accept Medicare.

Your sister told you initially the dr said he did not recommend chemo because your mother's quality of life would be greatly dimished & it would make her dementia worse. This I do understand.

There really isn't anything you can do because your sister has the POA. Some how you are going to have to keep the line of communication open in order to talk to your mom. You can't blow up on your sister, however, I do think she is playing a sick game with everyone involved.
profile picture
FearBug
Regular Member
Joined : Sep 2016
Posts : 94
Posted 3/5/2021 2:51 PM (GMT -6)
I agree with you. Its not hard at all to get the insurance information.

My sister does not have POA, only Guardianship which is why she can't put us on the HIPPA form.
I am not able to get POA for my Mother because I would not be able to do what is necessary when having POA.
I have helped in anyway I can, and when she decides she does not want to deal with me and my other sister, she ghosts us both, and reconnects when she is ready to.

I will not argue with her, for my Mother's sake. I am trying to keep communication going, but you are right, she is playing with everyone in a very sick way. My other sister and I have let her know over and over again we will do whatever needs to be done, but she shuts us out. Its about control I feel. Heartbreaking.

thank you for your thoughts as always
profile picture
FearBug
Regular Member
Joined : Sep 2016
Posts : 94
Posted 3/29/2021 9:22 PM (GMT -6)
After all this time since I last posted my sister is still saying she didn’t get my Mother’s social security info in the mail. I told her to call the dr office and ask them for it and she talks me in circles.
It’s my belief at this point, that she doesn’t intend to get a second opinion for my Mother and is just coming up with excuses week after week. She will only talk to me once a week on the weekend. Make a bunch of promises of things she will accomplish for my Mother for the week ahead , then when the weekend rolls around and I call her, it’s the same story, nothing gets accomplished and a bunch of excuses. I don’t know what to do at this point. I could fight for guardianship, but I can not physically take care of my mother as I work two jobs just to survive. My sister gets money from the state as well as my mother’s social security, disability for her self and as money for each of her daughters and she is home all day. Plus it would devastate my Mother to be ripped away from my sister.
I’m so lost. I feel so much guilt that I can’t help my Mother. And I can’t stomach losing her like this. My sister keeps making excuses on why my mother hasn’t received her Covid shot yet.she said she is waiting on the approval from her oncologist. And she doesn’t want me to visit my Mother until she gets the shot. She said they won’t get back to her for three weeks now. How is this possible? I actually called them myself today and the nurse was very abrupt and said to me that I’m not on the list of people who can get information on my Mother, so the call stops here. But she did tell me she would call my sister. This is just absolutely sickening. I am ill over this.
profile picture
straydog
Forum Moderator
Joined : Feb 2003
Posts : 18869
Posted 3/30/2021 9:06 AM (GMT -6)
Fearbug, it's time to take a different approach with your sister. It's not going to be easy but you don't have a choice. Think about the zoom call with your mom, she appeared to be happy in that call. Believe me, this is how you want your mom to be. In some ways the dementia may work to her benefit dealing with the cancer. Remember, I can look at your situation differently because I am not a family member. Try to get your sister to agree to weekly zoom calls.

Don't bring up a 2nd opinion again or her Medicare insurance. As I told you before, Medicare supplies every person with a Medicare card with an ID number listed on it. If you don't show it at the drs office or hospital you are not seen. I have to show mine every time, along with my DL. It's the same with private health insurance, you show your insurance card. Drs offices all have signs up that state you must show your insurance card & ID at each visit. Your sister is just lying, accept it & move on from it.

I hope your sister doesn't get mad if the drs office contacts her. I know you only mean well, however, due to HIPPA laws, unless you are listed on the contact list no one can or will talk to you. I have my husband & both kids listed as contacts so I am covered at all times.

I know it's horrible for you dealing with this, but keep in mind, this is out of your control. All you can do is try to keep conversations civil with your sister. Come here & vent.

Take care.
profile picture
FearBug
Regular Member
Joined : Sep 2016
Posts : 94
Posted 3/31/2021 4:58 PM (GMT -6)
You are right. I really was hoping this time around she was doing the right thing and being truthful. I didn’t want to believe it. This has been going on with her far too long and it is draining.

I do zoom calls with my Mom. She is so happy to talk to me and she is so cheerful, and it is the only comforting thing about this whole situation, because everything else about the situation is just devastating.
You are right to not push it with her, as I do not want to get cut off again. She has already slandered my other sister and I to the town cops where they live when we have called countless times to do wellness checks. Apparently she has them so fooled on the kind of person she really is.
All I care about is my Mother. But I do know now, that the harder I push, the more my sister withdrawals. I can’t afford for that to happen now.

She did know I was calling the doctors office. I told her I would. She didn’t seem to have a problem with it. But when I texted her to ask if they called her after I spoke to them, she never responded. So at this point I have only to believe, she either is lying and my Mother already had the Covid shot and she doesn’t want me to know that, or she is not wanting to get it because it’s clear to me she does not want me visiting. Either way she is lying and it kills me that I can’t see my Mother.
Thank you Straydog for your thoughts on this. It helps to get another perspective on it, as I can drive myself crazy obsessing over it. I do need to seek counseling for myself in dealing with this, I do plan to do that.

Thank you for letting me vent
profile picture
FearBug
Regular Member
Joined : Sep 2016
Posts : 94
Posted 6/16/2021 8:01 AM (GMT -6)
update- saw my Mom on Mother's day, and I was not happy to see her laying in urine soaked clothes and sheets. I changes her and took her sheets and clothes to laundry mat to clean them. I complained to my other sister who visited that day briefly. I pretty much bad mouthed the sister (Pat) who takes care of our Mother.
So Suzy (other sister) got drunk one day and called Hospice and cursed them out and told them that my mother is pretty ,much living in complete disarray and called the landlord as well and stretched the truth to make it worse than it is. Because of this, Pat cut Suzy off all together and wont allow her to visit.
When Suzy sobered up, and realized what she did, she blamed me for what she did and showed Pat the texts messages from me, pretty much bad mouthing her. Now I am cut off.
I am literally sick over this. my mother has merely months left and Pat is telling me through text message that me and Suzy tried to throw our dying Mother on the streets with her and her two children. I did nothing but merely vent to Suzy about the condition my Mother was in. In addition to that, i found out my 16 year old niece is the one who changes my Mothers adult under garments. Pat pretty much sits in her bed,smokes and talks to an online boyfriend.

She has the State on her side. She has Hospice on her side. They believe EVERYTHING she tells them, and pretty much paints a picture that poor her with two children are the only ones taking care of our Mother. Not mentioning that she withheld my Moms cancer from us all as well as her now terminal cancer which to this date STILL has not followed through with a second opinion after months of telling me she still has not got my mothers insurance information. She also was supposed to send me a copy of my Mothers diagnosis and she has been making up excused on why she "doesn't have " it yet.
She was also supposed to give me my Mother's Hospice information, their counselor number and volunteers, so I could keep up with my mother's condition, but she never gave me that either.
So here we are now. She told me that because of what me and Suzy did (meaning Suzy getting drunk and calling the lanlord and Hospice cursing them out) that they advise Pat to not tall to either of us or allow us to visit.
This is the most evil thing I can think of that a person could do. I was not the one who did it, and I even told Suzy NOT to call anyone on it, because it will get back to Pat. But apparently Suzy blames me for her doing it because she said "I kept complaining about the condition my mother was in, and the obvious neglect" that it pushed her to do it."
I am Keeping away from Suzy, as she is extremely toxic. But that does not change the now. I need to seek a therapist, because this is killing me. I am barely in the right mind as it is with two jobs, barely any sleep, and extreme stress on having to find an apartment. Most importantly, the grief of My mother dying and Pat (sister) not allowing me yet AGAIN to see her.
None I call where they live will help me. She has them wrapped around her finger.
I am ready to be at peace with the last time I saw my Mother I told her how much I love her, even though she did not know who I was sad . I gave her gifts and pictures in a frame of my and my daughter so she always knows I'm there with her.

For Pat to tell me she and her teenage kids are the only ones there for my Mother while she is dying, when she withheld her illness from us for so long, makes me absolutely ill to my stomach. and this is what she is telling the state. I dont know how i am going to fair with this
profile picture
SharonZ
Forum Moderator
Joined : Mar 2014
Posts : 2793
Posted 6/17/2021 5:02 AM (GMT -6)
I'm so sorry for your situation. I would contact an Elder Care attorney, he can help navigate you through your situation. If your mother refuses to see you, there's probably nothing that you can do. You can have medical POA, you can do consultations and doctor's visits online now. The attorney can at least petition for you to have contact with her doctors.

Sharon

Post Edited (SharonZ) : 6/17/2021 5:05:07 AM (GMT-6)

profile picture
FearBug
Regular Member
Joined : Sep 2016
Posts : 94
Posted 6/17/2021 6:38 AM (GMT -6)
Thank you Sharon. Its not my Mother that refuses to see me, its my sister who is her "Guardian", who will not let me see her. My mother has dementia, so she is not able to consent to power of attorney. I also can not afford a lawyer by any means. I work two jobs, and live paycheck to paycheck.

My Mother's doctors will not talk to me, because of HIPPA laws. My sister whom has guardianship over my mother by default, is the only one who can talk to my mothers doctors. So she basically controls who can and can't come to her house and visit our Mother. And if she is bothered by anything we do or say, she cuts us off. Even when I drive 4 hours to visit regardless, she will not answer her door.
profile picture
straydog
Forum Moderator
Joined : Feb 2003
Posts : 18869
Posted 6/17/2021 11:55 AM (GMT -6)
FearBug, so sorry to read about how this has turned out. You mentioned a couple of months ago of getting some talk therapy, do it! You owe it to yourself & your daughter, whether you realize it or not this is affecting your daughter too. She knows that you are upset. You have done the best you can so let go of any guilt you may be feeling this is out of your control. Remember we can only control ourselves & no one else.

Take comfort in knowing hospice is involved, they can be a blessing for a family. If hospice were to find your mother in horrible shape they would notify the appropriate people. Try to take comfort that your 16 year old niece is helping your mom too. While it may not be perfect at least she is doing something for her grandmother.

I am a firm believer in what goes around comes around, karma has a way of catching up.
profile picture
FearBug
Regular Member
Joined : Sep 2016
Posts : 94
Posted 6/24/2021 7:05 AM (GMT -6)
Straydog, thank you for your comforting words. They mean a lot as I do harbor tons of guilt. I do feel good knowing Hospice is there every week. The hardest thing to deal with right now is not being able to spend time with my Mother and help out, in her condition, under the control of a person who is only doing this out of her own anger. I believe in Karma too, and I know that people will have to answer for their wrong dongs in some way. I come from a very toxic family. My Father was abusive and sucked the life out of my Mother, and I feel once he passed, my Mother latched onto my sister in sort of the same co-dependent way. I know it was all her choices, but since I was a little girl, I always tried with all my might to make her see the light and change her choices. Unfortunately the old saying is so true, you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make them drink. Hoping this will blow over with my sister, but I am not counting on it. Hoping she has a heart somewhere in there. I always thought me and my siblings would be close as adults as we have gone through a lot together growing up. I have friends that are more family to me that would NEVER hurt me or anyone in this manner. Just goes to show you, family is not always blood.
Thank you for all your feed back and comforting words. It helps so much during difficult times like this <3 <3

I know I will get through this by the grace of God.
profile picture
FearBug
Regular Member
Joined : Sep 2016
Posts : 94
Posted 8/6/2021 8:01 AM (GMT -6)
This is hard, as My Mother's Birthday is August 15th. I want to go visit her, and I don't think my sister will let me in. She usually sleeps during the day and one of my nieces will let me in, but they will adhere to what my sister tells them and not let me in. I have stood outside banging on the door one time for 30 minutes before being let in by my niece. Its about a 4 hour drive, so I try to give it my all to be let in.
If I am let in, I do not know what condition my Mother is in. I don't know what to expect. My sister has been very wishy washy from the beginning with my Mother's exact diagnosis. She led me on week after week telling me she would screen shot the paper work with My Mother's diagnosis, and had one excuse after the other, like the Dr. office didn't send it to her. The next week she would tell me that she called them to ask them to email the diagnosis to her, and no one at the Dr. office would answer. I tried calling the Dr. and they will not give me any information at all.
So I am very apprehensive about seeing my Mother next weekend. Scared what shape she is in. Don't know what to bring her for her birthday. Flowers and a cake I always bring...

This is heartbreaking and weighing very heavy on my heart.

Sorry, just venting sad
thanks for listening smile
profile picture
straydog
Forum Moderator
Joined : Feb 2003
Posts : 18869
Posted 8/6/2021 9:09 AM (GMT -6)
Fearbug, I suggest you either call or text your sister that you want to come see your mom for her birthday. I would not just show up at the door. Showing up at the door can lead to you having the police called, you don't need that. If she says no to an in person visit then arrange a zoom call to your mom. Whatever you do, do not lose you cool with this sister. If it's an person visit just concentrate on visiting with your mom. Don't both criticizing a thing, you will have to bite your tongue. Don't ask about anything that you have already asked about, it will get you no where except more stressed out.

If she will not let you come see her, call a florist & send your mom some flowers. I am so sorry that you are involved in this mess.
profile picture
FearBug
Regular Member
Joined : Sep 2016
Posts : 94
Posted 8/8/2021 8:37 AM (GMT -6)
Thank you Straydog,

I called and texted and she will not answer or respond. I think I will feel better to at least go. I will not bang on the door like in the past. But just knowing that I made the effort for my Mother will make me feel better. I definitely do not have any intentions of saying anything to my sister or criticizing her. Last time on Mother’s Day I had just gotten so upset at the condition I saw my mother in. But I know better now. All I cate about is my Mother being ok and comfortable.
Thank you again so much for your feedback. It helps to get another perspective on things especially when you feel like you are full of anxiety and stress over it all. Thank you <3
❤️❤️
profile picture
FearBug
Regular Member
Joined : Sep 2016
Posts : 94
Posted 8/21/2021 11:57 PM (GMT -6)
Update: my sister contacted me. The cancer spread to my Mother’s brain and chest. Possibly her bones. I have visited her twice. I am so upset by her condition and I am having a very hard time with it. I feel tremendous guilt for not fighting harder to somehow have my sister choose chemotherapy.
I feel so much anger and pain. And I am angry at myself for having the nerve to feel that way considering what my poor Mother is going through. I can not describe the anguish I feel seeing her suffer.
My sister has my nieces take care of her. My mother is on morphine for pain as per hospice and when I visited her, she was so zonked out, she could barely eat and drink. This does not seem right. Yet my sister says hospice said to give her these medications all throughout the day.
How can I trust my sister at this point.
Being 3 1/2 hours away is causing me so much anxiety. I feel so much guilt that I. CAnt be there every day. Feel like quitting my second job so I can be. I have prayed extensively to God for my Mother not to suffer. I cannot handle to see her suffer. I never imagined it could be this bad. I feel because my Mother is on Medicare or Medicade, her care is lacking. I hate to feel this way or say that. I am so mixed with so many emotions I don’t know if I am coming or going anymore. I don’t by any means Intend to put anyone down. I am just upset that I feel my Mother is just left to die in her bed.
I pray the end for her is not painful. I can not pray enough. My OCD is heightened. My sister had hospice block me and my sister from getting information on my Mothers updates because my sister Suzy called hospice dry k using my name with hers to complain how Patti is neglecting my Mother.
I am having a very hard time dealing with this and snapping myself back to working a full time and part time job to get myself out of my situation of living with my ex. I feel so hopeless and don’t even have the money to get therapy as I stress beyond words how to afford a proper funeral for my Mother when there is zero money between any of us siblings.
I’m sorry for the long update. I just needed to get it out.
Please pray for my Mother. Wishing everyday life was different and she was somehow with me in my care. I hate she chose to care for my sister and her kids 17 years ago and continued to live for her meanwhile forgoing her own life.
profile picture
straydog
Forum Moderator
Joined : Feb 2003
Posts : 18869
Posted 8/22/2021 9:19 AM (GMT -6)
FearBug, I can't tell by your post whether you made the trip to see your mom, did you go?

Please try to remember this, you cannot control anything that is out of your control, look up the serenity prayer if you are not familiar with it, it can be quite consoling.

From what I understand the drs already said your mom is not strong enough for chemo. Even if your sister had pushed for chemo, a dr has to be willing to give that treatment, it was not your sister's choice to make. Chemo can be horrible for someone in good shape. There are many types of chemo used for various forms of cancer & please try to understand this. I've told you about some of my mother's friends that did chemo & how horrible it was & they passed away in spite of chemo. Their families were sorry they pushed so hard for chemo when they saw how ill & how much they suffered.

Be assured that hospice keeps track of how much morphine your mother is getting, state laws require this. If your mother was being too much hospice would take action. I know you have so much distrust, considering the shape she is in you don't want her to suffer. Uncontrolled cancer pain is inhumane & barbaric, no one should ever be in that situation.

Try to do an internet search in your area for a low cost psychologist in your area. Odds are pretty good you can find one that offers low cost for people paying cash.

Keep both of your jobs, you need to earn a living for yourself & your daughter. Your daughter relies on you for everything. I will keep you & your mom in my prayers.
profile picture
FearBug
Regular Member
Joined : Sep 2016
Posts : 94
Posted 8/22/2021 3:36 PM (GMT -6)
Thank you Stray dog. Yes I did visit her twice. Yesterday I saw her and I feel she was a zombie. From the morphine. Barely able to stay awake to eat. I don’t know if this is how it’s supposed to be. My sister only tells me things she wants me to know. She did slip to me that she feels she should have pushed for chemo which made me feel she had a choice.
I do not know how my Mother can survive not eating and drinking as she is sleeping all day and night on the morphine. When it wears off she needs more and my sister will give it to her.
I don’t want her to suffer in pain, but I don’t see how she can survive wasting awawy just sleeping around the clock.
Hospice won’t talk to me because my sister had me taken off the list of people who can talk to them about my Mother.
I don’t want her final moments to be painful and that’s the biggest fear I have.
I also feel tremendous amounts of guilt that I didn’t push harder to step in and change the corse of my mother’s life. I feel like I just have up on her

I’m sorry I am going to have to get therapy. And I will. I am just having a very hard time handling this all
Thank you for your feedback. <3
✚ New Topic ✚ Reply


More On Breast Cancer

Feeling Whole Again After Breast Cancer

Feeling Whole Again After Breast Cancer

7 Ways To Stay In Control And Reduce Stress While Battling Cancer

7 Ways To Stay In Control And Reduce Stress While Battling Cancer


HealingWell

About Us  |   Advertise  |   Subscribe  |   Privacy & Disclaimer
Connect With Us
Facebook Twitter Instagram Pinterest LinkedIn
© 1997-2022 HealingWell.com LLC All Rights Reserved. Our website is for informational purposes only. HealingWell.com LLC does not provide medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment.