Scared for my Mom, stage 4?!!

Hi everyone, I have written here before but it has been a while. I found out from one of my sisters that my mother has stage 4 cancer. My other sister who is my mother's " caregiver" again withheld this information from me because of on going animosity. Long story short my mother took care of her and her two kids for 15 years out of guilt as my sister claimed to be suffering from chronic pain. fast forward to a couple years ago my mother developed breast cancer due to not following up on an abnormal mammogram a year prior. She put off her surgery to again take care of issues my sister could have taken care of, but would not until the tumor bled through her skin and she had to be taken to the hospital, and had both breasts removed and chemo treatments. My sister failed to inform all of us siblings except for one that our mother had breast cancer. My mother did not want us to know either because she knew we would talk her out of continuing to take care of my sister whom she believed was dying of stiff persons syndrome. I live 4 hours away and my sister controls my mother emotionally, my brother who us homeless found out by accident and finally told me and my other sister.
a year later my mother was diagnosed with dementia. so now the roles are reversed and my sister SUDDENLY is cured of all her ailments and is now my mothers caregiver and has power of attorney over my mother. SHe lives with her in a rented house with her tow daughters, my nieces. My mother has been in good health since her breasts were removed and had treatment. I just found out that my mother went to the hospital in october, which again my sister did not tell anyone about, and while she was there, they noticed a swollen lymph nodes under her arm and ran tests. The oncologist told my sister that she has cancer of the lymphatic system and he can not do treatment as there is no tumor so therefore they would not know where to treat the cancer. Furthermore, he said that to do chemo and radiation, would be detrimental to my mothers dementia and health, she is 79 yrs old. And he said her quality of life would be poor. So it sounds like they are talking about a dog here, I am so confused! So basically he said to do a "watch and wait " plan and to watch for any symptoms.

Does this sound right???!

What is even more disturbing is my sister told me her next appointment with the oncologist is in July! That is a little far off for this type of diagnosis??! My sister says its because my mother is on medicade and they give all the attention to the people with money first. There is no money in the family at all. My sister is on disability, I work two jobs just to afford an apartment and make ends meet, my brother is homeless and my other sister works two jobs as well to afford her place. We lost our family home when i was 16 and everything in it.

I am so unsettled about this. I do not understand how cancer of this type works and if this is a common thing that doctors do is to NOT treat it immediately?!

I only know what my sister is telling me. SHe told me all of this yesterday and i have been thinking and thinking and feeling very uncomfortable with everything I heard. I talked with my other sister and she feels the same as me. She wants a second opinion and i agree, but my sister that takes care of my mother is worried about dragging my mother around to a second opinion will put her at risk for Covid. She wants all of our thoughts and I told her that i would want my mother to get treatment as i am a believer that you do all you can until you cant anymore. I feel like my sister is just letting months go by without being proactive about this meanwhile the cancer is in her body. she took the Dr.'s plan to watch and wait and apparently is ok with it. me and my other sister are not.

I am going to contact her oncologist to hopefully hear it all from him. I hope he will talk to me because i tries this when my mother had the breast cancer and the doctors would not tell me anything about my mother because of the HIPPA and i am not her caregiver.

If you have any thoughts or experience with this i would so much appreciate your feedback. Going crazy with worry here.

Thank you!

Thank you Straydog,

We are trying to have my sister get a second opinion. We are asking her for my mother’s insurance carrier to try to get her into a cancer hospital, however my sister is not being very proactive.

I thank you for your story of your Mother, it does help me out things into perspective a lot. And I am so sorry about your mother.

I am on good terms with my sister and plan to keep it that way. I wanted to visit my Mother this weekend but my sister does not want me to visit due to the Covid risk. She does not want me to visit. She said I could zoom meet over the phone with my mother. I am not happy about this , but I am afraid I argue I will get cut off again.

Thank you Straydog. My Mothe does has social security and medicare, however to do the second opinion we need to know my Mothers medicare carrier and my sister is saying she lost that information and is waiting to get the information through social security which is going to take time. Half the stuff she says I do not believe, but my hands are tied as I have no way of finding any of this out. I called my Mother's Oncologist office, and they would not tell me anything. Her nurse told me either my Mother has to consent that I can discuss her medical information, which she is not of sound mind, or a power of attorney, and she told me my sister only has Guardianship, not power of attorney. So my sister lied to us when she said she has power of attorney.

So unless I have power of attorney, my hands are tied to do anything. furthermore, i am not able to obtain power of attorney because I am not capable of taking care of my Mother in the way someone with power of attorney does. I work two jobs just to make it on my own, and I live pay check to pay check on top of living 4 hours away.

this pains me and I feel tremendous guilt over it. Even though I know my Mother chose to take care of my sister years ago and forgo her own life and happiness, I still feel guilt over her choices. I have since I was a little girl when my father was drinking and abusive. I can barely even accept my Mother's diagnosis, and I can not even be there or have the means to take care of her. All I feel I can do at this point is pray to God.

I am so sorry to hear about your parents Straydog, that had to have been devastating.

Nothing ever prepares you for this no matter how much you know eventually we will loose someone.

I am video calling my Mother,of course that is when my sister picks up the phone, and she looks great and is happy and chipper. It is still very hard for me accept.

Thank you for all of your advice and thoughts.

It's pretty easy to sign onto SS online and see what insurance one has. No need these days to wait for actual hard copy paperwork.