Your post is difficult to address in whole because there are or could be several different things going on within the context of the illness and/or the relationship. What you truly need to do is to separate who the man is (characteristics of personality and life patterns prior to illness) from who the man CURRENTLY is and then make a determination as to whether or not the traits you are seeing now are a result of depression or grief in suffering the illness OR if he was this person all along, and you, as we have all done in at least one relationship, ignored the red flags. It's imperative you be able to determine which attributes are a result of the pain and exhaustion he is suffering with in his illness and which are simply personality traits he owns regardless. As the late Dr. John Lee once said, “Just because you see seagulls on the beach whenever dead fish wash up; it does not mean that the birds killed the fish.” Dr Lee had quite a way of putting things into perspective with bizarre analogies.
There are quite a few books to help you through the process. Here are but a few:su.pr/2Htkyw su.pr/2RCSnX su.pr/29GctH www.facebook.com/note.php?note_id=171501796615
What's most important, whatever you decide, is that being needed and depended upon, does not negate your responsibility to YOURSELF. If you are not mentally, physically and spiritually intact, how can you be the best Mom you can be to your children? Isn't it your duty as their Mom to take care of your own health and well-being? Maybe you hire someone a few hours a week to help care for the kids and you use that time for a pedicure or a matinee with the girls or even some out and about
time with your hubby if he is so inclined. Whatever happens, please take care of you, and know that EVERYONE is entitled to feel joy in this life. It is our right as a child of the universe to receive and give joy, love, tolerance, giggle filled moments and teary eyed memories. It is possible your husband is not going to be a participant in raising your children. If that proves to be true then at least swear that you will be, by first taking care of yourself. You'll see that once you have more respect for your own needs, it becomes difficult to have respect for those who don't support your best interest. Caring for yourself, shines a magnifying glass on the souls of those around you. It will be easy to weed out those who truly foster your self growth and those who hinder it. Surround yourself with those who foster it.