Posted 11/8/2010 10:39 PM (GMT -7)
Hi, I am posting here but I realize this isn't just CFS. Please forgive the long post.
- Chronic Migraines
- Chronic Depression
No I'm not going to kill myself as my children are my life and I could never ever do that to them. It just seems that I forget how bad I felt before and when I am in such pain, I feel it will not end. I'm a 40 y/o mother of three ages 13, 11 and 9, had an injury to my spine when my youngest was a couple of months old. Other than the chronic pain in my lower spine/spondylolisthesis, shooting pains, I was doing ok. After I had an ESI, Epidural Steroid Injection I was in incredible pain and all over. I had severe migraines, pain in my neck and shoulders, knots all over my body, exact pains in my extremities at the same time for long periods of time with knots, shooting pains in my legs and arms, painful breathing, excruciating pain rolling over, getting out of bed and or moving at all. It was so bad I could hardly talk and I could not hold my head up without it shaking. I was put on every prescription possible. I've taken them all to some level I'm sure. At one time I had 34 prescriptions on my end table which covered it entirely. I went through every test you could think of. The thought I had an infection in the spine after the shot, as well as numerous other tests performed. I had to walk with a cane after being bedridden for a year. I barely remember that year at all. Very slowly, I began to get better. I remembered wanting to take my life numerous times due to the pain. It tore my marriage apart leaving me a single mother of a 2, 4 and 6 year old.
I shed more tears those years than breathes I took. I was majorly depressed. I was a police officer for 12 years, from hero to zero and all because I pushed a stroller up a deep incline and literally popped my back. I didn't want to live when I was hitting rock bottom of whatever it is which caused me to go completely out of energy to the point I wanted to avoid getting out of the bed and would literally remain there for days on end. It was always and still is 9 years later when I get to the point I'm ready to end it all...snap a finger and I'm able to function like a human being again. I continuously to get these knots all over my body. It could be in the head area, mostly in the back and spinal area...also neck, but also in the legs. A lot of times it just feels like bruising, but no signs. I do have this extreme fatigue maybe once a month and I have discovered around that time of the month, but also it could not come around for some time and I wonder why I'm even on disability and feel guilty. No worries, within time, I hit with something which takes me down again and reality hits...you can never know when it will strike.
I do know stress sets off a lot of it. Gosh, when I was married, my ex became so abusive mentally, emotionally it destroyed me and my self confidence. I'm still going through therapy on that one. My ex has made my life hell, as if I needed any help with that. He is constantly harassing, controlling and impossible to deal with. He is my largest stressor which I left my hometown of loads of support due to him. I'm constantly falsely reported to CPS by him or to court as well as constant threats of being taken to those. Everything has been unfounded, which his reports were so ridiculous. He is constantly trying to get custody of them. I'm scared to death of him. Just meeting to drop off the kids weekly, I have anxiety and PTSD. I'm trying to fix it all in my head, but it is impossible I feel as he is relentless in his verbal cruelty by calling me stupid, worthless, not sick, living off the government, and I could do on and on.
It is especially hard to plan anything. I never know when I will get sick with the back, migraine, fatigue, body aches, knots, and whatever else may strike. I really don't have anyone who knows how sick I really am or get other than close family. I do not get out hardly at all at this point, as I have become so recluse so it is very hard to meet new people or make friends. At times I feel so alone in this life. I do not have anyone I know within an hour of where I live, so I don't even go to the hospital when it gets really bad any longer. When no one sees or hears from me, that is of course when I'm at my worst. My children have grown up having to take care of themselves at the times I'm so sick that I can't do anything. I am awake and able to talk them through, just can't function. My children know nothing more than my illnesses and it is more common than not when they get home from school, I'm in the bed. I do worry about what they are thinking, but I constantly remind them of how this is an illness and as soon as I feel better, I will do all the things they love us doing.
There are some symptoms which I wanted to bring up which are strange. I have had burning sensations on a specific area of my forearm and it would last for months, nonstop pain, to the touch, wind blowing it or the sun/heat. It would then go away and come back. I'm not sure what does that. Also, I get migraines really bad. One month I had to go to the hospital 6 times in one month for shots, one time twice in one day. I have had the tingling, numbness sensation on my left side of my face around my left side of the lip, nose, cheek and around the back of the head and ear on left side. That lasted a couple of weeks. So irritating. Even when I smiled, my lips and cheek area would not rise the same as the other side of my face. I also talked strangely, like I had had a stroke. I did a CAT scan and it was fine. I have had this happen a couple of times. I do need to keep notes, but I don't at all.
Thank you all for listening.
I'm just a hot mess I guess. :)