Question about talking to someone you are dating about your condition...

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HoldingOutHope
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2012
Total Posts : 44
   Posted 7/6/2012 10:25 AM (GMT -7)   
Hello.
 
I'm not sure if this topic has come up before, so I apologize if it is a duplicate. I am 30 years old and am single. I have had CFS for over a year and was diagnosed just a few months ago after ruling out everything else.
 
I have a couple of bad flare ups per year that usually put me in bed for a couple weeks or more. In between those, I have to be really careful to get sleep, eat healthy, and listen to my body. I am tired most days, but I'm learning to tolerate and manage it. Some days I have to go to bed right after work and others I do okay until 8 or 9pm.
 
I've been dating someone for a couple of months and have not told him about my CFS. I have cancelled a couple of dates and made an excuse because I wasn't feeling well, but I know at some point I need to explain everything to him.
 
Are any of you out there having the same dilemma? How did you handle it? How did you bring it up?
 
I'm fine if someone isn't interested because I have CFS...I realize that might be a reality depending on the person. On the other hand, I want to be honest when I don't feel well and find someone that understands that if I can just sleep for a few hours, I'd feel a little better and could go out to dinner, etc.
 
Anyway, if any of you have some suggestions on navigating the dating world with CFS, I'd love your feedback.
 
Thanks,
HOH

bpfibro
New Member


Date Joined Jul 2012
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 7/9/2012 12:36 PM (GMT -7)   
I am in your very same situation althought i am older. When the right person comes along, they will understand and support you with your condition. It comes along with you. When that person does, its the best feeling in the world to have themunderstand and take those naps with you. Just try to explain it to them, and if they dont get it, they arent for you. Best of luck to you! :)

Snue
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 194
   Posted 7/9/2012 1:24 PM (GMT -7)   
I know exactly how you feel.   Last year I ended a long term relationship and was on the dating scene for the first time since getting Dx.  I wondered the same thing, when to bring it up.  What amazed me is when I did bring it up, my boyfriend didn't make a big deal about it and he's been amazingly supportive.  Much more so than my ex.  So good things do happen.  I agree that the guy should be supportive, or he's not the guy for you.  Maybe give him something to read about it so he understands more of what you are going through.  You sound like you really take good care of yourself and try your best.  That's great.  Keep it up.  good luck!!!!
Susan
~~Susan~~
Dx 2002 Fibromyalgia
Also have RLS, UARS (like sleep apnea), hypoglycemia and arthritis (neck and knees).
Trying to stay positive and live one day at a time.

HoldingOutHope
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2012
Total Posts : 44
   Posted 7/10/2012 7:24 AM (GMT -7)   
Thanks for the suggestions. I met the most wonderful guy and I'm planning to talk to him about it. I like the idea of giving him something to read--maybe a little print out from the Mayo Clinic website or something like that.

And it's true--if they can't deal with this they definitely aren't the one!

Glad I'm not alone on this...

Snue
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2005
Total Posts : 194
   Posted 7/10/2012 9:14 AM (GMT -7)   
You are not alone. My new boyfriend (7 months) came with me to my last doctor's appointment. The doctor told me "you have a real good guy there" and I said I know, but then she said "NO, REALLY". I think a lot of partners are not that supportive, maybe because they just don't understand. We often look fine, but feel like crap.

I think giving him something to read about it and telling him all the things you do to be proactive in taking care of your health and helping yourself to feel the best you can, will help him understand and appreciate you.

I am glad you have met someone so wonderful. Best wishes.
Susan
~~Susan~~
Dx 2002 Fibromyalgia
Also have RLS, UARS (like sleep apnea), hypoglycemia and arthritis (neck and knees).
Dx 2012 with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.
Trying to stay positive and live one day at a time.

HoldingOutHope
Regular Member


Date Joined Jun 2012
Total Posts : 44
   Posted 7/10/2012 10:58 AM (GMT -7)   
Thank you!

cyrusromeo
New Member


Date Joined Aug 2012
Total Posts : 3
   Posted 8/10/2012 3:15 PM (GMT -7)   
I waited a couple of dates, then broached the subject. I explained that I have a chronic/autoimmune illness that affects me (list the major debilitating symptoms). i explained it is unpredictable and how it can suddenly change, makng planning difficult. I am with someone who-when I explained it-i had been doing really, really well for a couple of years and said I didn't really expect it to get 'that bad' again, but it could and in the meantime, had limitation. Well, 5 months in I CRASHED to the degree when it hit 17 years ago. Unable to speak, walk, etc. He was solid as a rock, never doubting, supportive and loving. No one with this disease deserves less tho I can tell you I considered myself 'damaged goods' for some time. It's not true but long term aggressive illness can mess with self esteem, etc.
I'm glad you have found someone wonderful and I do believe that the truth-however you choose to present it-will be less stressful. After all, we can't pretend and push it without major consequences!
Best of luck...

pocketfull
Regular Member


Date Joined Mar 2012
Total Posts : 350
   Posted 8/23/2012 11:11 AM (GMT -7)   
I have had CFS along with fibro for almost 20 years. When it first hit me I was bedridden for weeks.
even now tho, some family members will say: " you just have to get up and get moving, you will feel better". I usually just look at them without commenting. If they are so stupid to say it again, I bring out my notebook I have made over the years from excellent websites, ie: Mayo clinic, and many university hospitals across out country. I invite them to read it, 9 out of 10 still are not impressed.
I then just smile and say its true, without having it you just cant understand. I advise then that the next time they ever have horrible flu, imagine having many common syptoms for life. A good understanding man is hard to find.
Good luck to you and welcome to this wonderful forum.
I am 61 years young. I have neuropathy in both feet and hands. I have spinal stenosis and arthritis in my back. I am bipolar and with panic attacks. I cannot walk. I choose to stay home all the time. I love living in the country. Its very peaceful.

jb2012
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2012
Total Posts : 2
   Posted 9/25/2012 8:10 PM (GMT -7)   
This is an interesting topic. I have not been diagnosed with CFS, but I struggle with fatigue. I've been talking to a guy for a couple of weeks now, but have not felt well enough to actually schedule a date. I'm afraid he's going to move on, thinking I'm not interested, but the truth is, I'm just so tired.
"I struggle with fatigue" isn't something you can really tell a new interest. It sounds more like an excuse or, at the very least, something that will send someone who you don't have a track record with running.

JulesGirl
New Member


Date Joined Sep 2009
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 5/24/2013 4:03 AM (GMT -7)   
I was quite lucky as I met my partner on OstoDate.com so everything was out in the open before we met. :))

pluslouie
Regular Member


Date Joined Feb 2010
Total Posts : 55
   Posted 6/2/2013 12:02 AM (GMT -7)   
I know I'm late to the party on this one, but I have some input.

I have lupus and CFS, among other things, and I recently started dating for the first time. (I'm 25.) Since my diagnosis at 19, I have been terrified about telling someone significant about this.

I waited about 2 months. I knew it was time to tell him because I was flaring and couldn't put sentences together, and he kept asking if I was okay. We sat down, and I told him it was important. I asked him to let me speak, then he could ask any questions he wanted to. I told him bits of my story and what goes on (but not all the gory details, though I was willing.) When I paused, he basically said, "Is that it?" Not in a bad way, but in an, "I thought you had 8 kids" way. He said, "So there's nothing you can do about it, right." I told him no. We went on with life.

I did tell him that I get very tired and am always in pain. He's asked a few questions since then, but it doesn't bother him. (We both go to bed at 7:30 anyway, so that isn't even a problem!) He asked a few weeks ago where all my bruises were from. "That's just part of it," I said. He understood.

We are no longer seeing each other, but I did ask what I should've done differently or when to bring it up next time. He said it was fine- enough, but not too much information, plus with an openness to answer questions. It was about 2 months after we started dating, so I knew he was in it. It's not exactly a first-date thing.

That being said... take a deep breath. It will go way better than you think. And if not, he's not worth your "spoons!"
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