Posted 3/3/2006 8:52 PM (GMT -6)
Hmmm... that's another way of lookin at it. I guess I'm afraid of having to go through all of this on my own. The only people who are standing behind me are my dad (who lives in VA), my grandma, and my sister (who's moving to Illinois soon) is finally starting to come around and be more understanding. I am still missing that one piece of my life (having someone to share it with) and I guess I'm scared of having to start all over again.
It just hurts because the guy in question at the moment, has always harped on me (before my official diagnosis) to get more motivated, and to do something with my life because he said he didn't think I was living up to my potential and thought I could be so much more. I finally got to the point where I knew what it was I wanted to do with my life, and started down the path, and it just seems lately he's abandoned me... and it hurts. Not to mention, I know, and I mean KNOW he's hiding things from me. He's always complaining about how I don't talk to him enough about things and don't share enough with him, so I do, yet I've realized, I know not much at all about his past, and he doesn't share much of anything with me at all, except for when he's having a bad day at work.
Lately he's been going out with his "friends from work" a heck of a lot,... which he didn't do before... yet has no time to see me... but will say he misses me and wants to come down, then next thing I know something comes up.
It just hurts... it really really hurts. I feel in my heart it's time to let go and move on to someone who WILL accept me for me, and will be there for me no matter what, and love me the way I am... but it's so hard to do. It hurts even more because:
I was raped 4 1/2 years ago. The night it happened, I was supposed to go out with my then boyfriend at the time... well obviously that didn't happen. I called him the next day and told him what happened, he told me to meet up with him at this gas station, didn't show up, and never returned my calls after that.
Now the guy I'm "with" now, I told him from the start what happened, and it's going to be a while before I feel I can trust him. Not that it was his fault, but after that happened, I was afraid to trust anyone with my heart again. I finally gave him my heart... and what I was afraid of happening, has happened... my heart is broken again.
Since our last argument, I've pretty much let go (told him we're just friends now unless he shapes up, which I'm not holding my breath for), and that I'm not waiting around for him to decide what he wants anymore.
In a way I feel liberated, but inside my heart is still broken, and I still feel empty and sad. I have a lot on my plate right now and don't need the extra stress from him... I really don't... but it just hurts so much...
I have chronic fatigue syndrome, anxiety (at this current moment), and some minor abdominal pain which still hasn't been figured out yet... need a break from all the testing ;)
CFS: Provigil 200mg, once a day
Anxiety: Lorazepam .5 or 1mg 3xs a day or as needed