Maybe I just need to vent.
Maybe I just need someone to take the weight off my shoulders. My husband is trying. He's going to college so that he can get a better job so that I won't have to work full time or so that I can work a silly job to keep me occupied. BUT I CAN"T WAIT THAT LONG!!
I'm so tired all the time. I can't wake up in the mornings. I dream all night and wake up in a sweat (different post somewhere on here) and feel like I have been hit by a truck.
Most mornings I can't keep my eyes open and don't feel like it's safe for me to drive. Then I get to work and can't stay awake or my headaches kick it and I sit there and suffer and try not to nod off.
I am so worn out. We can't afford for me not to work right now. We only have normal bills, no huge debt, but we wouldn't be able to survive on my husbands salary alone. And I hate the one day, I am going to have to depend on him to pay the bills. I want my independence back. I like working, I like contributing. I can't even make dinner. I'm so tired of the guilt.
I just can't work full time anymore. Yet I don't have a choice and I am so tired of pushing myself. It's wearing me out even more.
Having health problems is causing me to have HUGE insecurities that I didn't used to have.
I worry that I am going to lose my job, that I have had for 5 months and I like my job. I am good at it. It gives me a sense of accomplishment because it's my only accomplishment.
I worry that my husband is going to get tired of me and leave me. Even though he is so wonderful to me and he takes care of me, never complains, but I continually need his assurance that he's not going to leave me. We've been married for 6 months and he's the best thing that ever happened to me. And I would hate to loose him because my body isn't work correctly. We don't even really know what is causing my health problems.
I am tired of living in fear. I am tired of being scared that my doctor is going to drop me. I am tired of taking meds. I am tired of being tired. I hate all the unnecessary worrying that I do.
I am to the point in which I feel I just can't work anymore. But the world isn't stopping just because I am worn out and physically hurting. Something has to give.
My husband is looking hard for a better job. We are talking about alternative ways for me to bring in income in the meantime, but in the meantime I have to work. I might talk to my manager about maybe working part time. I wish I could work from home. I am going to see if it's an option.
I went to the doctor yesterday to talk about my new symptoms, the night sweats, the fatigue, the stomach pains, I overheat really easily and am just miserable all the time.
I just want to crawl into bed and pull the covers over my head and hide forever.
They took 7 viles of blood from me and are testing me for everything, Lyme disease, testing my liver, blood count, all sorts of rare, scary things. I get my results back in 10 days am will go in to follow up. Maybe I can finally get an answer to my condition that is getting worse. Maybe I will get lucky and there will be a treatment.
I just want to live a "normal" life, I want to be a good wife, a good employee, family member, friend, etc. I just want to feel normal and pain free, fatigue free.
*Thanks for reading....I'm hanging in there...