Majorly ticked at my body... (ranting included free)

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Regular Member

Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 495
   Posted 2/10/2008 12:27 PM (GMT -6)   
I'm normally pretty good at just taking my pain as it comes. But the past four days have just gotten me really down, and really mad. It's hard enough, most times, to deal with the fact that I hurt all the time. I'm actually to the point where I'm no longer feeling safe with myself, if that makes any sense.

For those who don't know, I have a ruptured/fused L4-L5-S1. There is nerve problems in both legs, the left a great deal more than the right. My left leg like to go partially numb, tingly, and the like. It also likes to shoot pain down through it like lightning. I use a cane 24/7 and sometimes a walker when the pain gets really bad. When the leg gets brutal it will just decide it doesn't want to work, and I end up on the grown if I'm not using the walker, or the cane isn't position really well.

Over the past four days I have managed to break something every single day. I was packing small stuff for our move one day and took a step down myself and the glass fish went. There was then me on the floor and glass fish everywhere. That irritated me. The next day same thing, something plastic and me spent time on the floor. The cane didn't hold me up at that time. Day after that, while attempting to heat something up, I was getting a glass measuring cup with water in it, and I caught myself with the counter, but down the measuring cup went, and once again, glass all over the place. Today, it was a drink, just standing up to move rooms and there is protein shake all over the computer room.

I'm ticked off right now at my own body. I'm actually getting to the point where I'm afraid to hold things for fear of breaking them, and I'm scared to walk without the walker. It's like my left leg has just decided it doesn't like me, and is trying to commit suicide for me. I kind of like being alive. I hate the fact that I can't get my body to do what I want it to. I have so much to be thankful for right now, and I realize that. But, it's like my body is trying to ruin things.

Sorry for ranting, I'm just mad. And no one that I know understands. My husband, is wonderful, and he tries so hard, but he just doesn't get it.

"When we come to the edge of the light we know, and are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown, of one thing we can be sure; either God will provide something solid to stand on... or we will be taught to fly.'"

"Cause when push comes to shove You taste what you're made of, You might bend, till you break Cause its all you can take; On your knees you look up Decide you've had enough, You get mad you get strong Wipe your hands shake it off, Then you Stand" From "Stand" by Rascal Flatts
Dx.: Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, Ulcerlative Colitis, Chronic Inflammation of the Colon, Ruptured & Fused L4-L5-S1 w/pinched nerves, Degenerative Disc Disease, Chronic Costochondritis, Back Muscle Spasms, Asthma, Benign Tremmors (hands)

deb in indiana
Regular Member

Date Joined Aug 2005
Total Posts : 387
   Posted 2/10/2008 2:24 PM (GMT -6)   
Yes i sure understand and my hubby doesn't get it or my friends.Iam always breaking things i have L4-L5 problems but no fusion hubby was forced in long term disability and we lost insurance .My leg hurts bad at night can't even lay on it and when i do the pain kills me dr.put me on lyrica this week but not doing any thing iam already on zanaflex,celerbrex,pain patch,lunesta,percocet,lyrica and thats just from pain management and iam only 52 what worrys me the most what its going to be like in my 60's .We'll take care i needed to vent also Deb

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1123
   Posted 2/11/2008 4:25 AM (GMT -6)   

hey, y'all.  deb, i'm 62 and what you might be like at my age.  i have the same problem as T.  l4-5, s1.  laminectomy in 2002 and follow-up surgery in 2005.  the surgery has helped some, but not really a lot.  before the surgery i was walking very painfully with the aid of a walker.  after the surgery i went almost pain free for almost a year.  then ther pain came back big time,  i now see a pm doc who has prescribed percocet 3/day for chronic pain and morphine sulphate as needed for breakthrough pain.  this regimine seems to help a lot.  i now walk with the aid of a cane.

i, too, have a left leg with a mind of it's own - and that mind often as not wants to kill me or put me into the hospital.   wish that leg would get its act together and pay attenion.  i used to believe "this, too, will pass."  now i'm not so sure.  when i was younger nothing could keep me down for long.  now . . . .

all i can do is to advise based on  my own experience.  keep moving.  if you stay still too long, you die.  walk as much as you can.  i walk my local wal-mart aboiut 3/week.  it hurts like blazes sometimes, but it really does help.  if you can, see a psychiatrist of psychiatrist.  chronic pain isn't all physical.  if effects every pary of the mind, body, and spirit and they need healing, too.

hope this helps.


That light at the end of he tunnel?  It's an on-coming train.

Regular Member

Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 114
   Posted 2/11/2008 6:21 AM (GMT -6)   
even though our pain seems to be in different places for different reasons I just wanted to tell you I so often feel the same way as you do(about your left leg) my pain is with my bladder and i feel it just decided one day it was tired or working right and decided to start rotting on me(its not actually rotting but it feels that way) It gets so tiering on a daily basis to cope with and sometimes it seems my body is just screaming at me to give up. My husband is very supportive, although the pain doesnt make it a pleasant situation for us because I can get pretty snippy sometimes. But he tries so hard to understand and I'm thankful for that...but its true even the closest family and friends will never understand unless they have ben where we have.
I just wanted to say hang in there. I think us CP'ers were given a huge dose of extra strength:):):)
 Interstitial Cystitis and Endometriosis

Regular Member

Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 58
   Posted 2/11/2008 10:48 AM (GMT -6)   
TDoern, My left leg is the same thanks to severe nerve damage from a botched surgery. I was on a walker for several months then crutches. Now I mostly ambulate via quad cane. If I allow my left knee to bend at all I am floor bound. I have fallen many times and have torn shoulder trying to catch myself. If I have my shoulder repaired I will be laid up for a while because it's same side I use cane on. I wear a couple different leg braces depending on activity, both are custom braces which are very expensive but they do help me get around. They also put risers in opposite shoe to help get my bad leg through since I also have foot drop. There are methods you see to help with your situation so don't give up. Stay as active as you possibly can. Push yourself daily, hourly, and by the minute!
Keep the Faith and Have a Blessed Day!

New Member

Date Joined Feb 2008
Total Posts : 1
   Posted 2/13/2008 12:18 AM (GMT -6)   
does anyone know of a place to talk....real time....about back pain......not always convienent to call a friend when it really gets bad. rather have a real time chat at these times.
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