I'm normally pretty good at just taking my pain as it comes. But the past four days have just gotten me really down, and really mad. It's hard enough, most times, to deal with the fact that I hurt all the time. I'm actually to the point where I'm no longer feeling safe with myself, if that makes any sense.
For those who don't know, I have a ruptured/fused L4-L5-S1. There is nerve problems in both legs, the left a great deal more than the right. My left leg like to go partially numb, tingly, and the like. It also likes to shoot pain down through it like lightning. I use a cane 24/7 and sometimes a walker when the pain gets really bad. When the leg gets brutal it will just decide it doesn't want to work, and I end up on the grown if I'm not using the walker, or the cane isn't position really well.
Over the past four days I have managed to break something every single day. I was packing small stuff for our move one day and took a step down myself and the glass fish went. There was then me on the floor and glass fish everywhere. That irritated me. The next day same thing, something plastic and me spent time on the floor. The cane didn't hold me up at that time. Day after that, while attempting to heat something up, I was getting a glass measuring cup with water in it, and I caught myself with the counter, but down the measuring cup went, and once again, glass all over the place. Today, it was a drink, just standing up to move rooms and there is protein shake all over the computer room.
I'm ticked off right now at my own body. I'm actually getting to the point where I'm afraid to hold things for fear of breaking them, and I'm scared to walk without the walker. It's like my left leg has just decided it doesn't like me, and is trying to commit suicide for me. I kind of like being alive. I hate the fact that I can't get my body to do what I want it to. I have so much to be thankful for right now, and I realize that. But, it's like my body is trying to ruin things.
Sorry for ranting, I'm just mad. And no one that I know understands. My husband, is wonderful, and he tries so hard, but he just doesn't get it.
"When we come to the edge of the light we know, and are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown, of one thing we can be sure; either God will provide something solid to stand on... or we will be taught to fly.'"
"Cause when push comes to shove You taste what you're made of, You might bend, till you break Cause its all you can take; On your knees you look up Decide you've had enough, You get mad you get strong Wipe your hands shake it off, Then you Stand" From "Stand" by Rascal Flatts
Dx.: Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, Ulcerlative Colitis, Chronic Inflammation of the Colon, Ruptured & Fused L4-L5-S1 w/pinched nerves, Degenerative Disc Disease, Chronic Costochondritis, Back Muscle Spasms, Asthma, Benign Tremmors (hands)