Posted 2/23/2008 1:28 PM (GMT -7)
Outside - I want to let you know it speaks worlds about you that you are looking to attempt to see what he deals with. No one out there can say they know exactly how he feels, but a great deal of the people here can relate.
I was 20 years old when I woke up one morning in pain - to find out I'd ruptured two discs in my spine. This was less than a week after my husband and I eloped. My world got turned upside down and I had no say in the matter.
I am incredibly luck that my husband of 7 years is incredibly supportive, even when I don't want him to be. I bought a really cheap book for valentines day, and wrote in it so many reasons I love him. One of the big ones in there, that put tears in his eyes were the various pages that basically said I love him because he helps me... "when I need it, or ask"..."and sometimes when I don't want it"..."or when I don't know I need it"..."or I wont admit I need it"..."and even if I fight him to NOT help me".
The big thing with whats going on with this guy is that he's still angry over his pain. It's a very hard thing to learn to accept. No one here asked to feel this pain we live with each and every day. Until you can manage to realize that it's not going anywhere, and you have to live with it, rather than fight against it, it's just that much harder on you. I won't lie, I do have times when I'm just downright angry and really tired of the pain. BUT I've learned to accept that I'm luck it's me - not my family, friends, or loved ones. I'd rather suffer this than have anyone else I know suffer it.
If your significant other is not on a depressant then he needs to consider it. His isolation is NOT a good thing. He may be putting up walls around him, because he doesn't think you're going to accept him because he can't accept himself. I still have moments when I'm wondering how it is that my husband accepts me broken pieces and all. There have been times when I wished that he would leave, so that I don't have to feel bad that I'm "broken".
As far as him sitting on the computer for hours - wow - that's one that is just making things worse. If I spend very much time at all on the computer I end up in even more pain. It makes it harder to sleep, harder to move, and I feel it for days. He's not helping himself by sitting on the computer all day. He NEEDS to find a way to get his muscles moving and stretched, or everything is going to slowly start hurting more. Even if it's just gentle stretching. If he has degenerative disc disease, he NEEDS to build up the muscles in his spine. Making our backs stronger is so important.
To give you the best "understanding" I can as far as chronic pain. I don't know what the worse pain you've ever felt is... so for example think about a really bad headache. When normal people have a headache they complain about it, take some medication, maybe go in and get migraine medications, and it goes away. Imagine having that headache for every moment of every single day. It's just there. Imagine the headache getting worse at random times. Imagine that your trying to read, and it just starts throbbing, you have to put the book away, even if you don't want to because it's too painful to read. Then you rest to let the headache ease up, and it doesn't, it get's worse. You want to head to the store, but your headache is pounding so badly that every single step makes it throb, and you can't drive there because it would hurt to much. After about the first month you've complained about the headache, people are tired of hearing about it. You now have no one to talk to, because they only half listen now, your trapped by this pain, and have no where to let it go. OR you don't want to talk about it, because you'd rather pretend it's not there. You keep trying to do the things you could before, and you can't. You fight as hard as you can, and it's still there. You go to all sorts of doctors, they all promise miracle's, and yet it's still there. You've taken everything you can and it's not going anywhere. You try to watch a movie and your head starts pounding, even watching the movie makes your head hurt. You can't sit, you can't walk, you can't run, you can't lay down, it all hurts. No matter how fast your run, this headache is right there, stabbing you with pain, you can't get rid of it. Then all the sudden you get something - who knows what it was, and for one small moment in time, you don't hurt as much. Your body relaxes, you get a second of relief, and then it's back, full strength. BUT instead of it slowly getting worse it's slamming you worse than ever, and your body had finally relaxed.
I wish I had another way to explain it to you, but it's so hard to understand, your significant other is right, when you've never dealt with it. People break an arm, they hurt and live with a cast for a few months, and then it's gone. Chronic pain is like having a shadow beating you up every second you exist. It's so easy to build up walls, because we don't even want to accept ourselves sometimes. It's easy to block people out, because we are ready to have them walk away. We don't want to put up with us, why would they?
I wish you the best - just trying to understand is a great thing.
Maybe sit down and talk with this guy, tell him you'll never understand if he keeps pushing you away. Let him know that you love him as he is, broken pieces and all. Possibly send him here to look around. I know the people here are incredible. I may never meet any of them face to face, but they understand what I've been through better than my husband, or family. I can come here and vent things that I would never vent elsewhere. Healingwell is here for the times I've fallen flat on my face, and the times when I'm cheering a great day.
"When we come to the edge of the light we know, and are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown, of one thing we can be sure; either God will provide something solid to stand on... or we will be taught to fly.'"
"Cause when push comes to shove You taste what you're made of, You might bend, till you break Cause its all you can take; On your knees you look up Decide you've had enough, You get mad you get strong Wipe your hands shake it off, Then you Stand" From "Stand" by Rascal Flatts
Dx.: Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, Ulcerlative Colitis, Chronic Inflammation of the Colon, Ruptured & Fused L4-L5-S1 w/pinched nerves, Degenerative Disc Disease, Chronic Costochondritis, Back Muscle Spasms, Asthma, Benign Tremmors (hands)