i've always been a loner - both by choice and by situations. i haven't had more than a half dozen friends since i got out of high school in 1964. i know that i'm an odd duck and have fairly severe emotional problems. besides, i have a peculiar sense of humor and make references to things that almost nobody knows anything about (or even cares about). yesterday my wife and i went to an oncology open house at a hospital. something happened (i don't remember what exactly) and i said, "with all my imperfections on my head!" anyone want to guess? Hamlet, Act 1, scene 3(?) or maybe 4, the ghost of Hamlet's father on the parapets of the castle. or in a thread earlier this month, i referred to "frack" from Battlestar Galactica. WHY DO I REMEMBER THIS CR*P!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i spent much of my career in "public" - i.e. in groups that knew each other by reputation. there weren't that many people in the UK when i was there who could build a system that would work for fighting WW III when the UK is a nuclear wasteland. but i did. it was just part of who and what i was back then. there never were more than 30 to 50 people in this group. i was accepted because of what experience and knowledge i brought with me and was respected for that. friends? not really. colleagues? yes. reminds me of an episode on House. . . . but that's another story.
once i was bar mitzvah and confirmed (when i was 18) i seldom ever went near a temple or schul. i spent as much time in churches with girl friends and, later, my wife. i take my religion seriously even though i don't even say kaddish (the prayer for the dead) for my parents. and there's not anyone to say kaddish for me. i offered to teach it to my step-daughter, but she said she'd only be able to do it in english. so when i die, i die. as the old rabbi's said, "the departed still live amongst us in the love that they expressed and in the kindness that they showed. my name, my eternity, will die with me. friends? h*ll, i'm being cremated because thee aren't enough people for pall bearers or to make a minion to say kaddish.
sometimes i get so lonely i could cry (reference to C&W song). for my birth family i was the "sacrificial lamb" to be blamed for all of the family's problems which gave all of them permission to abuse me however they wanted. why don't i become a christian and accept the right hand of fellowship that they would offer? because, please excuse me for saying this, but christianity doesn't make sense to me. in Judaism, it is actions that matter. in christianity it is belief. if hitler would become a born again christian he would go to heaven? i think not. every molecule in every cell of my body rejects that belief. if i stepped on any one's toes, please remember that this thread is about being alone, with religion and churches being a side issue. i am expressing a personal opinion, nothing more, and would gladly give my life defending your right to disagree with my belief.
i have reached out to people in the past, but have always been rejected. i was the Worshipful Master of my Masonic Lodge in Texas and served the normal term of one year. when it was too painful for me to attend Lodge, not one of my "brothers" ever called my to see what was wrong and to offer any help. when i attempted suicide because i couldn't stand the pain any more, not one "brother" phoned or stopped by. i didn't get one get well card to go to h*ll card from these people who all purported to being my closest "brother." not much different than a church, wouldn't you say?
i'm meandering and venting and getting very very tired. pain steals your strength and your reason. not a very compatible bed fellow, what?
there is an obscure english medieval morality play entitled "Everyman." that the people of the middle ages lacked in original titles for their plays they less than made up for in their stilted style. (that was supposed to be a joke). at any rate, Death comes to everyman and tells him that it is his time. everyman tries to take his possessions, but cannot. he tries to take his good works, but they are lost to him. he tries to take his friends, but, alas, they, too must leave everyman to his solitary journey to death. so maybe i'm so so bad off. i'm already pretty well bereft of possessions and have only had a handful of friends in the last 44 years. i might as well quit while i'm so far behind. should we tell Hillery? nahhhhhhhhhh.