Relationship, pain, and disease

Hi all.  I am having a really hard time right now.  I have had chronic pain for over 2 years now, and the pain is in my throat and face.  Its so embarassing because i dont want to tell people about my problem cause its disturbing.  I have been single for 6 years and recently met this wonderful guy.  I have not been in a relationship since my pain and its sooooo hard for me to open up about the illness to anyone, let alone someone whom i am attracted to.  I have a very hard time swallowing and eating, and its embarassing to eat infront of others.  My boyfriend invited me over to his parents house for dinner and i was so afraid to go.  I told him i am not going to be able to eat much because of the pain and he was quite understanding.  But still, I am so embarassed of this problem and it makes it sooo hard to really have a deep relationship because the pain rips your life away from you.  Sometimes when we are talking the pain shoots up to like a 10 and im sitting there thinking, "i wish i wasnt here, im hurting so much, and no one knows it but me.."  and I get really quiet and distant.  I dont want to complain about the pain, but i dont want to hide it either like everything is alright, because its not.  I really like him too and i dont want this stupid illness to come inbetween something so great, it makes me so upset.  How do you cope with relationships and pain and illnesses?  THis is so hard

Hi, Gabby,
I'm not in a relationship now, but the problems you're having are things I contemplate and wonder how I'd deal with them. It sounds like he knows something about your pain, as you told him about going to his parents for dinner. So that must mean he has some level of understanding and compassion. I'm not sure what your diagnosis is, or what kind of treatment options you have, but have you tried all your treatment options? Do you have an accurate diagnosis of the problem? If not, I'd start there and make sure I was doing all I could. In the meantime, you could begin to involve your friend in your treatment. Maybe start by even telling him how hard it is for you to talk about, but that the relationship is important to you so you want to slowly open up to him. He hasn't run off yet, and you said he was very understanding. If I had someone I'd met that had come that far with me, and knew a little about my pain (it would be hard in my case not to, because of activity limitations and effects of medications) I'd certainly take the risk to be open with him.

Keep communicating with him, slowly if needed. Ask him what questions he has. And if he doesn't run away, I'd say he's worth the risk! If he can't take your limitations, then it wasn't going to work anyway.

Good luck!!

PaLady

Hi Gabbs

Gabby - the girls above have said some great things to you.

Chronic pain is really hard to cope with - even with the support and understanding of family, friends, and loved ones. I really can't imagine how I would get by without my husband. There are still days I believe he's going to up and leave me for some one who isn't broken. Like going to walmart and trading in because you got a defective product.

I hurt my back less than a week after we were married. Woke up and felt more pain than I'd ever felt before. That was October 2000 - and somehow by Gods grace I'm still married. I still remember the pain on his face when the doctor walked in with all his students and told me what he thought the problem was - and then to have it confirmed by a MRI and neurologist a few months later sucked. I cried myself to sleep so many nights when he was out for times doing his Army stuff. I waited and waited for him to come home and tell me he couldn't do it anymore. So far - he's been more than I've ever hoped for - and more than I've dared to dream.

You deserve someone who will help you through this, someone who will be there on the bad days and the good. At least this guy has the choice, my hubby got married then got stuck with me :P.

Seriously though - I agree - opening up to him slowly is all you can do. If he runs, he runs, and you deserve better than that. But if he stays - you have no idea how good it will feel. Knowing he's staying and taking you as you are, broken pieces and all, it's an incredible feeling.

You can't suffer this silently and alone - you just can't. Let him be the man he is, not the one your scared will run away.

I know it's so much easier to say than to do - but in the end - it's worth it. Give him a chance - as Freya said - he might surprise you.

Tammy

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Thank you evryone for your replies.  Im recovering from an eating disorder, and I have gastroparesis and acid reflux disease, very severe.  The medications offer little help, and on Friday Im going to a special clinic for treatment.  The pain is truely agonizing and I dont know how to cope with this anymore.  I know I have to eat, but the pain in my throat is so awul some days i dont eat anything at all.  Its so hard because I feel like no one understands what I am going through just cause my pain is in such a weird place.  My boyfriend is understanding, and we talked last night about things.  He said he doesnt want to get serious because we both have things we are dealing with.  He doesnt have a job right now and I cant eat.  I mean I totally understand that, but it still makes me mad because I know if I wasnt dealing with this pain things would be different.  I really want this too work cause I like him so much - i havent dated in 6 years and I want this to work.  Its hard for me to find someone I am attracted too.  I am hoping this clinic can help me.  And then im thinking, what if they give me a feeding tube...like whats gonna happen then??  Im really nervous but I know I will do whatever it takes for me to get well.  *Sigh*,  i just hate dealing with all of this...you are blessed to have a husband who understands and is there for you to help you get well.  Thats real love and thats what I hope to find in someone.  Im just praying this clinic will help me...Im just waiting in faith

-Gabby

Wow Gabby,

Here you clearly have two different problems. One, the pain problem itself. If the pain is so intence it prevents you from living a normal life, don't be affraid to ask your doctor for the necessary medication (incl. pain medication). A person still needs to be able to function in order to life a "good" life. Problem number two is something you shouldn't actually worry about. You don't have to go out shout over the rooftops that you're in pain, but informing friends and family surely can't hurt. When they know, they can take this fact into account when taking you out or inviting you. Same thing here with the person you feel attracted to. By explaining what is wrong with you, you show himthat :
1) You want to be honest with him,
2) You trust him,
3) You're interested in a relationship.
If he has serious feelings for you, he won't make a big deal out of it and support you. Be careful though, it could be that he doesn't really know how to react (apart from telling you it isn't a big deal to him). A lack of proper reaction from his part (you might have expected a lot more sympathy) usually means he wants to give you all the room you need to maneuver in and that he awaits furter info from you. He might be curious into your pain situation but might not know if it is proper to ask.

Basically, she should take the lead here. Women are simply better in these situations than men. It is one of those rare occasions where a woman's intuition comes in really handy (from a male point of view of course).

Go for it. Tell him about your pain and with a bit of luck (you always need a bit of luck in a relationship) the pain will bring you closer together than you could ever have imagined.
darn the torpedoes, full speedahead!

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To stand and be still at the Birkenhead Drill is a mighty bullet to shew.