No Relief Ever?

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Pamela Neckpain
Veteran Member

Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 1821
   Posted 6/5/2008 8:21 PM (GMT -6)   
I'm going on six years of Chronic Pain. It's a new way of life, of course.
I washed my bathroom floor and had to go to bed for two days. Anything social totally does me in. Tomorrow my grandaughter graduates from Kindergarten. The program is 9:30 am for a good seat, but the show starts at 10 am. I don't know if I'll be able to go. I have a time when I have to shake off the pain the night has given me and I doubt that I'll be in the audience. Oh sad. Oh bad. Why am I writing today? I guess I just want someone to hear me. I keep this pain thing from my son and daughter. She lives nearby and has an idea of my pain - but really she doesn't know. If she knew, I'd be dropped from her invitation list. It would scare her. She'd be afraid to talk to me. So ... I suffer in silence and come here where I can be anonymous to find out how to handle this. I've had some ideas, but they're --- hmmmmmm --- not good ideas. This, I suppose, is self pity. Yes! that's what it is. Try saying it out sometime ... don't censor yourself. (Maybe it helps)

Pamela Neckpain, aka Pamela Backpain, aka Pamela Pain-In-The-Neck

Veteran Member

Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 6795
   Posted 6/5/2008 9:11 PM (GMT -6)   
I don't have much energy tonight myself, but I did want to say yes, someone hears you! The struggles you have doing basic activities like cleaning (you don't want to know what my house looks's embarassing), and possibly not attending an event that's important to you because of pain....these are things most of us experience. And it is sad. Very sad. Identifying our losses and being able to speak them here I think is a critical part of the healing process. At least it is for me.

I do wonder why you daughter would be afraid to talk to you? Could you explain that more?

A pitty party now and then is needed. You can read some of mine on other threads. So don't censor your feelings. Connect with us. I think that's what HW is for.



Veteran Member

Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 639
   Posted 6/5/2008 10:22 PM (GMT -6)   
Hi, Pamela. I've seen you post before and wanted to welcome you, but I haven't been feeling to spiffy lately myself. Please accept a very late welcome!

I understand where you are at. As PAlady said, most of the people here have been or are in the same boat. I am looking at my house right now and I just want to cry! It's a nightmare. I am such a neat freak, and I've always kept my house spic and span, but I just can't do it anymore. It seems like I barely get started cleaning something and I'm down for the count.

I am glad you feel like you can vent here, but I hope you will be able to talk to your family. I tried to hide my health situation from my family, and in the end I think that just drove them away because they didn't understand why I was becoming so withdrawn from my life. They didn't understand because I didn't give them the chance to. I felt better when I finally came clean, and they just want to help. Maybe your daughter would surprise you, too.


Pamela Neckpain
Veteran Member

Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 1821
   Posted 6/6/2008 1:56 AM (GMT -6)   
Thank you for posting, PAl & Ry. I appreciate hearing from you to me. Really.
My daughter lives a Fairy Tale life in which she leaves no room for my grief or pain.
My back is stinging. i better shower and see if I can do anything with the haystack
on top of my head. Maybe I'll make it. Maybe I won't. (Here I speak of the graduation)
Pamela Hangsherhead

Forum Moderator

Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 9157
   Posted 6/6/2008 11:38 AM (GMT -6)   
I agree with to your daughter and give her the chance.It doesn't have to be long and drawn out but sit her down and give her the facts. If she turns away then so be it. You did your share and her reaction will show her character. At least you reached out to her.

Right now your relationship is almost phony...pretending all is fine...and it's not. Your heart is hurting otherwise you wouldn't have said anything. I talk to my kids and older grandkids about my limitations...but don't dwell on it. They know I can't sit at concerts to listen to them play for 3 minutes but I ask about everything they do and see them often. Don't add guilt to your day...they will understand. Have your granddaughter over for a 'ladies' tea party in celebration. Keep it VERY simple and she'll feel so special. I'll bet no one else's grandma does that.

Co-Mod Fibromyalgia & Chronic Pain Forums
Fibromyalgia, Ulcerative Colitis, Insulin dependent diabetic, collapsed disk, dermatitis herpetiformus, osteo arthritis in spine and other locations.

The only difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has it's limits. Albert Einstein: (1879-1955)

Veteran Member

Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 6795
   Posted 6/6/2008 1:45 PM (GMT -6)   
I agree with Grampp and Churtz. (and Chutzie has some great suggestions, as always!)

I think sometimes people who haven't had any hardship are scared of talking about things because they don't want to believe it can happen to them. If it can happen to us, it can happen to them. It's part of why people don't want to talk about death. So you will actually be helping your daughter look at the realities of life by trying to talk to her. And then if she pulls back, so be it. But as Chutz said you can come up with some options with your family, especially the children. In the meantime, we all grieve for what we can no longer do. We ALL "hear" you in that regard - and know exactly how that feels!


Veteran Member

Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 1713
   Posted 6/6/2008 5:27 PM (GMT -6)   

I agree with the others, be honest with your daughter and get things out in the open. I too have suffered long and hard with chronic pain and I need my family's support and help at times. They know I have limitations. Heck, even my four year old granddaughter knows that grandma has pain and can't do certain things, like get on the floor with her. If I couldn't be honest with my family, then I would turn it all inward and then I would become depressed. Don't do that to yourself.

I am very sorry for your suffering with this awful pain you experience. I am offering up prayers for you and for that talk with your daughter as well. Please keep us updated as to how it all goes. And, by all means, vent when you need to. We are here to support each other and it is a healthy outlet for you. So like the others have said, don't censor yourself.

Warmest Hugs,

Moderator Chronic Pain
Believe in yourself.  Be kind to fellow humans and animals.  Take time to smell the flowers and the coffee.
And by all means, when you are down, ask me for help.  I will be there.

Lisa (AKA pain)
Regular Member

Date Joined Mar 2008
Total Posts : 24
   Posted 6/6/2008 7:23 PM (GMT -6)   
Dear Pam,
I'm sorry for what you are going through.  You can always speak to us here at Healing Well.  We also have great chat rooms, so we can talk back and forth.  It has really been a great experience for me.  It makes me feel that I'm not alone and that others here understand what I'm going through.
I have been in chronic pain for over 8 years.  Mainly in my back, shoulders, arms, and have lost a lot of the use of my left hand (of course, I'm left handed -sometimes I just have to laugh) - which can be great medicine in itself.
I too went for years silently dealing with the extent of my pain.  I was short-tempered with my family and they didn't understand why and they certainly didn't deserve it.  I was injured working on the computer and was seeing a doctor through work comp.  I've tried everything there is to try.
I now belong to Kaiser (it's a health care program that is all tied  together).  I have many doctors and they can all access my records anytime.  I went through a "pain clinic" class and learned even more helpful exercises.  I now have my own "pain specialist" who does not judge me and does whatever it will take to help me.  I do have to take a lot of pain meds - but it's better than sitting around all the time everyday.
It was also when I started the pain classes that I don't have to worry about sitting too long and avoiding anything that involved that.  I have a special seat-pad for my car which supports both my lumbar (and with the help of another pillow - supports my thoracic).  I cannot sit or stand for more than an hour without pain shooting through me.
I decided that I have a right to go out and see a movie and sit in an airplane.  I take my seat with me anywhere I will be sitting.  I also make sure to stand when I need to.  Nobody looks at me like I'm a freak.  And it's such a feeling of freedom and a little more independance.
Please speak with your daughter / family.  Mine has been very supportive and caring.  When I have a short temper, they know it's because my pain levels are too bad.  I am now keeping the pain under control with medication - it's worth it!
I'm lucky to have found such a wonderful loving caring husband (right before all the pain business began).  Last night I was so curled up with pain (3 days of constipation - an effect of opiads).  He went to the store, bought me some prunes and lay down with me on the bed as I ran back and forth to the restroom!  He is such a comfort.
Anyway, I'm sorry to ramble on - sometimes I feel like the "pain expert" (by the way - taking Senna S usually takes care of the constipation).
Take care,

Lisa aka pain

Veteran Member

Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 6706
   Posted 6/9/2008 3:15 AM (GMT -6)   

So sorry Pam but certainly know from where your coming from.

I like you hid the pain from my adult kids for far too long and even after talking to them I dont think they grasped the severity of my life. I eventually scheduled a sit down with my Doc day with the kids that could understand and he did a wonderful job of telling it like it is and why it was unreasnable to expect Memaw to be able to babysit on a whim or show up at events that would force me to bed for days but he also did it in a way so as not to scare them.

I have to give them credit here as they were far more reasnable about it then I ever thought they would be and the Doc most likley helped so they didnt see me as simply whining or exaggerating or hooked on pain pills! So many times this seems to be our biggest fear,how others will percieve our daily taking of the controversial meds they see so often down ridden on the media.

I have come up with some super ways to cover for my absence to those life altering events in my Grandaughters as well as my 10 year olds life when I simply cannot make it. My 10 year old had awards day last week at the close of school year and I had a horrid night realizing along about 4 a.m. I was NOT going to be able to make this sit on the bleachers for hours event. I simply got on the phone when the florist opened and had a dozen helium ballons and a 2 movie tickets to a movie of her choice at a later date delivered to her class prior to her assembly. Cost was not alot cosnidering the importance of this event in her life and mind and when she came home from school that day she was ecstatic! She raved on and on how she got ballons and flowers delieverd to her school and her class room and how no one else got anything like that!

She was the "talk" of the day to her friends! They thought she had the "coolest" Mom on earth and movie tickets to boot! She never once mentioned me NOT being there to see her. I also offered a neighbor who was attending for her son the use of my camcorder and a free copy of the tape if she would so kindly record my childs acceptance of her honor role awards and citizenship pin for being the morning news host during the school year. Worked great for both of us.

It cuts deeply at times to not be able to make some of these events in person but with a little thought and at times a small fee I can and do make it alright for them.

Does the pain ever end? Not usually for many of us. With the care and compassion of a good Doc and an understanding family and the progress of a few drug companies we survive. I cant stress enough here about the Doc! It took me many a tries and alot of years of trial and error but eventually I found a Doc that worked with me not against me and we got the meds right and life is tolerable if not down right enjoyable at times.

When I lowered my expectations for myself then others could see me as I was and not as I wished I could have been.

Good luck to you and I hope you continue to search for better treatment of your pain and demand understanding from those who care about you,give them a chance and this isnt saying they will accept your limits as many times and especially with familes they cant fathom that we are not who we always were to them and we cant ever be again no matter how much meds we take we will always have limits to our abilities.


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