My new PCP is throwing everything and the kitchen sink at me, in an attempt to make me "whole again". I have fallen apart over the last two years, with a terribly painful neck, and now overall body pain. I am also depressed as a result of this, and because of losing four family members in less than two years. I believe in the mind and body connection, but I had this neck condition for 10 years, so I also believe in the physical illness and body connection. It got real bad two years ago. Last fall, I started to get all over body pain, which the doctors say is Fibro. I don't know about
that. My doctor sent me to a pain clinic, and they told me that they wouldn't treat me unless I stopped taking narcotics. Even my primary was shocked over that one. I'm 50 years old, and took my first narcotic at 49 years old.
I'm a compliant patient. Fortunately, my primary doc believes me and in me. I lost my other PCP of 13 years due to insurance. My old and new doctor did speak on the phone about me. My new primary told me that my former PCP told her that I was trustworth. I told my new doctor that I can't do anything she asks of me if I can't get out of bed in the AM, and I can't do that without my pain medication. I've had three cervial MRIs in 18 months. They show DDD, large spurs, moderate to severe stenosis, arthritis, cord compression/flattening, etc. A NS told me that I wasn't a candidate for surgery. I'm getting a second opinion on my neck this Monday from an orthopedic doctor. In a couple of weeks, I'm seeing a doctor who specializes in Intergrative Medicine. I hope I spelled that right. Yesterday, I had my first session with a psychologist who specializes in chronic pain patients. I spent 90 minutes with her, and she was just terrible. Cold, know-it-all, not compassionate. I cried once, and she just sat there, motionless in every way. I don't expect someone to hold my hand, but she was a robot. She wants to see me once a week. I told her than my husband is having surgery next week and I that I need two weeks to just be with him, and she told me to work it out, and to never miss a session with her.
She brought up narcotics over and over. She made numerous references to the pain clinic that wouldn't treat me. First, pretending she didn't know what happened, then she was telling me details. When she was grilling me, I finally told her that she should probably ask the doctor at the clinic. She kept laying these verbal traps for me. I have nothing to lie about. I have pain from head to toe. I'm only looking to get well and be out of pain. My legs hurt so bad, that I can't walk sometimes, burning thighs, feet feel like I'm walking on knives, weak arms, neck spasms that go into my face, my teeth. I have to take a water bottle to bed at night, so when I awake, I can take my pain meds. Then wait for relief, no matter how bad I have to pee, lol. The meds only take the edge off and allow me to function around the house and for doctors visits. I had mentioned to her early on that I like to research medical information on the Internet. about and hour later, she asked if I drank coffee. I told her a cup and a half in the morning. She said, in such a cocky way, "Did any of your research show you that coffee will make my pain worse?" She kept cutting me off mid-sentence. She asked if I had anything traumatic happen in my childhood. I told her nothing like sexual abuse or anything, but I was hit by a car when I was 15. She actually shrugged her shoulders. I told her that I was riding my bike, was hit from behind by a drunk driver, went flying through the air, wore a cast on my foot for six weeks, and got a bunch of stitches in my head and spent six days in the hospital. It was trautmatic. I swear she looked like she wanted to punch me in the mouth.
At one point, she had me mixed up with someone else, and kept insisting that I'd been a patient at that facility for a long time. I told her that I had only been there twice. She didn't believe me. Tap, tap, tap on her computer, saying, "You're telling me you've only been here twice?" She was telling me that I saw all these doctors that I never even heard of. I felt like I was walking through a verbal mine trap. She finally realized her mistake, and told me that she had me confused with another patient. Then, she starts rattling off the activity I've had since joining the facility three months ago, "Phone call, phone call, returned phone call, doctor visit, phone call, tap, tap, tap, you DID speak with Dr. Jones on the phone." I said maybe he was covering for my primary, but I've only met with my primary.
Do I have to go back to this narcotic hating nut? It was one big game of gotcha. I think she's angry because my primary is prescribing me pain meds, and staying the course with me. Without sounding boastful, I think she was upset that I'm smart and can hold my own. I'm thinking of giving the head doc one more shot, then telling my primary that I can't confide in a person who is so cold. It's too important a relationship, and I have to like the person and vice versa. I know the psychologist thinks I'm a junkie. I had typed up a list of my losses over the last five years. Parents, two months apart (and watching them waste away for a year), my sister the following year, two years later, my brother-in-law whom I adored and my 16-year old cat. My health, my finances, relationships....all losses and no gains. My other sister died in 1991. It was a simple list, one line each. I asked her to please take a look at the list. The big losses are the first few. She gave it a cursory glance, sort of tilted her head, and said, "Yeah, you've had some loss." I told her that with the exception of my husband and my brother, everyone who loved me and everyone I loved, has died. I was talking to a wall. Is this tough love or what? More like tough hate.
I'm sorry this is so long, and thank you to those who have read this far.