Reality has just set in

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Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 87
   Posted 6/23/2008 12:35 PM (GMT -6)   
I am panicking. I am trying not to hyperventilate or freak out as I am at work and this is NOT the place to do it but it has all just hit me. This morning I woke up the the worst absolute pain yet and I couldn't breathe I couldn't move, nothing. It took me 2 hours to get dressed. Then I realized this is just the beginning. The rheumatoid arthritis is going to eat me alive. One day I won't be able to play with my kids, or maybe walk, or do anything I used to do. I've read that it shortens your life, and can attack your organs? Plus the DDD and herniations are just punching me right now. So what do I do? Do I just accept this? I can't do it. I cannot live like this. I cannot panic 2 or 3 times a day when the pain gets unbearable. My family is sufering, and I may lose my job if I don't get it togather soon and be able to concentrate through the pain and do my job. I am freaking out. Sorry to vent like this, but it feels like no one understands. I try to talk to my friends about it and they act like it's not a big deal why am I so upset? Or they just don't listen. They are worried about their own lives. When I walk around work or my family, I feel like they are staring at me like I am some sort of freak. I am getting so depressed. I am at a loss. I wish there was someone here who understands....
***** Fibromyalgia 2007 ***** Degenerative Disk Disease with Herniation T7, T8, T9 May '08***** Rheumatoid Arthritis June '08 ******

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Date Joined Sep 2006
Total Posts : 1713
   Posted 6/23/2008 12:56 PM (GMT -6)   
Well hon, I understand. Tell me are you on antidepressants? If not you might seek some help with a psychiatrist and try cymbalta. It is supposed to help with pain as well as depression.

I know what it feels like to be in pain and nothing helps. Refresh my memory and tell me where you are with your pain meds. I know you have posted before, but I forget your specific case, so you have to remind me please. I am here for you hon. Just keep posting and get it all out. We are here to listen at least. It does help to vent.

God bless you.

Gentle Hugs,

Moderator Chronic Pain
Believe in yourself.  Be kind to fellow humans and animals.  Take time to smell the flowers and the coffee.
And by all means, when you are down, ask me for help.  I will be there.

Regular Member

Date Joined Jan 2008
Total Posts : 285
   Posted 6/23/2008 1:17 PM (GMT -6)   
Please vent here. We are here for you.

I agree with the advice above about seeking psychiatric help. Pain will of course bring on depression. If it didn't there would be something wrong with you. You're going through a lot of life changes and your chemicals are flowing hard. Get some medicinal support from a psychiatrist as you will need it to cope. A good psychologist can also help you. Cognitive behavioral therapy can do a lot toward getting your overwhelming thoughts under control.

I understand that friends seem not to care. It's so true that they are often wrapped up in their own problems. Sometimes it's just you and your family and maybe a close friend or two. I've never found co-workers to be of much help. But that is me.

I am guessing here but I'd think you'll have good days and bad. Maybe you can figure out how to make the bad days easier and figure out how to do whatever to maximize the good days. Maybe journaling your thoughts and experiences would help.

This forum is a great place to get support. So is talking to others who have gone through your exact problem. I'd try to network and locate some of them.

Keep talking. You're smart to let it all out.

many hugs,

Regular Member

Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 495
   Posted 6/23/2008 1:32 PM (GMT -6)   

You know it is hard when that type of stuff hits you. I think for a few of us at least it hits the hardest when we are in the most pain, and all we can see is that it's going to get worse.

Pain does suck, I totally agree with you. It's hard to look down the road in your life and not be able to say for sure that your going to be running around a playground with kids and grandkids. It's hard to no be able to be certain that your going to be up during the holidays cooking large meals for families and friends.

Have you ever looked on the back of just about any manufactured product? On the back of most (at least it seems that way) they all say "This product has been shown to cause cancer in lab rats in the state of california". Basically hubby and I have decided to spend as little time in California as possible because we've figured out the truth - the truth is living in California causes cancer. I know this doesn't seem to fit in anywhere with this topic - but the fact of the matter is that if we believed every label as people we would be scared to live. I'd worry about microwaving anything, I'd be scared to use a cell phone, computer, or Wii. I'd live in total fear of driving, flying, and everything else. I'd put sun screen on every single time I went out, along with lotion to keep me from looking old, and bug spray to keep me from getting bitten by a misquito. The simple fact is we can't let all the possibilities get in the way of living. I could walk outside my house, get in my car to pick up hubby from work, and be hit on the way there. That's not going to stop me from getting in the car. The fact that I could choke on my dinner isn't going to stop me from eating, either.

You mention not being able to play with your kids, would you hand your pain over to one of them to be able to do so? If it could be done would you trade your pain off to someone you care about so that you could do all the things you worry about not being able to do? That fact in itself is the one reason why I realize I have to deal with pain and they don't. I don't know a single person who could handle it.

The reason your friends and family don't get it, is they don't want to. If you had told me at 16 that it was possible to ruin the rest of your life by falling asleep - I would have laughed in your face. But thats what happened. I went to sleep a week after I was married, and woke up. My life was never the same after that. It never will be again. In my opinion one of the reasons that people don't like to talk about pain, they don't get it, they try to fix it, is that it's hard for them to grasp the idea of pain that doesn't go away. For most people you sprain your ankle, you take it easy a few days or weeks, and pain is gone. For most people they get a back ache, they take it easy get some heat or something on it, and like magic the world is right again. No one WANTS to have to face the fact that at any point something could happen that can't be undone. You say your friends are worried about their own lives - and it's true - most people don't want to have to admit that it could happen to them too.

So it all comes down to the same thing. Would you give up your future to not have the pain? Would you choose to not see your kids grow up so you didn't have to worry about being in too much pain to play with them? Would you choose to stop listening to music, because if you loose your hearing you'll miss it? Would I go back and not marry my husband so I didn't have to worry about how my living in pain effects him? Would I give up gardening because there are days I can't do it, and a day in the future I know I probably won't ever be able to do it again?

For me the answers are all no. I wouldn't give a moment of it all up, not for anything.

I plan on living my life despite the pain I'm in, because no matter how much it hurts, and how bad it gets, I have so much to live for, so many people who would be effected if I weren't here. If at some point I have to watch from a wheelchair then so be it, at least I get to watch.

I'm not sure if this makes sense to you, but it's the only response I could think to give.
"When we come to the edge of the light we know, and are about to step off into the darkness of the unknown, of one thing we can be sure; either God will provide something solid to stand on... or we will be taught to fly.'"

"Cause when push comes to shove You taste what you're made of, You might bend, till you break Cause its all you can take; On your knees you look up Decide you've had enough, You get mad you get strong Wipe your hands shake it off, Then you Stand" From "Stand" by Rascal Flatts
Dx.: Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome, Ulcerlative Colitis, Chronic Inflammation of the Colon, Ruptured & Fused L4-L5-S1 w/pinched nerves, Degenerative Disc Disease, Chronic Costochondritis, Back Muscle Spasms, Asthma, Benign Tremmors (hands)

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Date Joined Jan 2005
Total Posts : 9249
   Posted 6/23/2008 2:31 PM (GMT -6)   
Gentle hugs...the people here DO care and understand as you can see by the replies. I care....and will add you to my prayers tonight.

Co-Mod Fibromyalgia & Chronic Pain Forums
Fibromyalgia, Ulcerative Colitis, Insulin dependent diabetic, collapsed disk, dermatitis herpetiformus, osteo arthritis in spine and other locations.

The only difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has it's limits. Albert Einstein: (1879-1955)

Regular Member

Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 87
   Posted 6/23/2008 4:03 PM (GMT -6)   
Thanks guys, it's good to know there are people who understand and feel it too. I wouldn't dream of giving someone i care about this pain. I am actually terrified for my kids that they could end up w/ the RA as it goes down the line with my family... but I can't think about it. It keeps coming in waves. I can forget it for a moment, then it hits and I get all teary and can't talk. I hate feeling sorry for myself. I need to try an anti-depressant I know I do, I just have adverse reactions to a lot of them. They send me into a panic attack, or "manic" episode I guess they call it. I am hoping when I go back to the Rheumatologist on the 1st she will either say "oops! I made a mistake, you don't have RA" or maybe "It's not that bad, you have it but very mildly and you can just take these for a little bit, it'll go into remission and you'll be fine." The idea of taking pills everyday for the rest of my life scares me. I was never good at it. Yesterday morning I think i forgot to take my Prednisone and that night got this sick headache, the sharp stabbing pain that makes the hair on your arms stand up and feels like your jaw neck and side of your head is going to pop. That was when I realized I don't think I took it. I called my PM and left a message asking what they want me to do. I explained my financial situation and the Rheumatologist's findings and asked that they call me back and tell me what they want me to do. I am hoping it will be better next time I see him. He will see in my UA's that I haven't touched pot since the day I signed my contract, therefore keeping to the agreement. I explained to him last time I saw him why I was doing it occasionally, and he semed to actually be understanding about the fact I was desperate. He told me that it is just to cover them from losing their license, which I understand. I still think he could have gone about it differently but maybe we just miscommunicated. Who knows?

As of now I am only on the Prednisone. I take the baclofen rarely if i am having an extreme flare up and it's dumb because it never helps, I just hope it will every time I try it. Same with the Tramadol. I stopped taking it pretty much, it doesn't do very much and it makes me feel very neaseous (sp?) I don't even want the percocet back because even though it works great, it only works for 3 hours if that, and my script was always for every 6 hrs.... I don't want to stare at the clock anymore. I need to really write this down for the Dr. next time I see him huh? If i could have something that worked as well as the perc's but was like an extended release thing. i think i would be fine. Sure I would have the occasional flare-up or break through pain, but that sounds heavenly to me right now. To only occasionally hurt is like the promise of heaven in the afterlife....

Yeah I don't want to live the rest of my life fearing everyhting. I was talking to a frined of mine the other day (the only one who listens pretty much) and she was worried that I haven't gone out to do anything. I tried to tell her it is bad enough i have to get ready and go to work every weekday, and that takes me FOREVER to do. Plaus if i go out I ususally have to take the kids, and unless someone is there to help, I can't chase after a 2 yr old and a 4 yr old outside somewhere. Especially in this heat! I do miss the time I was on the perc's though, I was doing OK for the most part. Just got bad for a few hours here and there. Do you think if told my PM all of this he would listen and maybe understand? He's not that bad of a guy really, I think we just need to communicate better...
***** Fibromyalgia 2007 ***** Degenerative Disk Disease with Herniation T7, T8, T9 May '08***** Rheumatoid Arthritis June '08 ******

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Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 87
   Posted 6/23/2008 4:05 PM (GMT -6)   
P.S: TD you made perfect sense thank you
***** Fibromyalgia 2007 ***** Degenerative Disk Disease with Herniation T7, T8, T9 May '08***** Rheumatoid Arthritis June '08 ******

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Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1123
   Posted 6/23/2008 4:52 PM (GMT -6)   


just a thoought and a suggestion.  where/when do you live?  in the past?  in the future?  from what you've written, your mind seems to be in the future:  "afraid that my kids may get it."

my dear, dear friend, there is NO future and the past is dead, done, and over with.  all that any of us have is NOW.  That meand this instant.  are you hurting this instant?  maybe you feel the pain beginning; but are you actually HURTING this instant?  when my pain gets so bad that i don't want to live any more (and, yes, sometimes it gets that bad) i do all that i can to concwentrate on the NOW.  for some reason, the pain is in the past and i fear it in the future.  but it isn't with me NOW.

last night was one of the worst times that i have had in several years.  i don't know why.  i began an exercise regime a few weeks ago, but it's nothing that drastic.  i just want to move my body so that it doesn't just stop on me.  i took a morphine for the first time in two weeks, b ut it really didn't help.  i went to bed and slept fitfully all night until about 10:00 this morning.  why am i telling you this?  because when i woke up and hurt so badly that i couldn't get out of bed, i entered the NOW.  at any givin instant i wasn't hurting.  the fear of the pain to come, i found, was really the culpret this time.  only those of us with  cp can really understand this fear of pain.  but in the NOW, the pain wasn't there right that instant.  or the instant afterr.  i actually got out of bed and made it into the kitchen (to the sound of bugles blairing!).

i'm nobody special.  i simply suggest that you try living in the NOW ands see what it does for your peerception of pain.

hope this helps.


That light at the end of he tunnel?  It's an on-coming train.

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Date Joined Feb 2003
Total Posts : 16787
   Posted 6/23/2008 5:17 PM (GMT -6)   
SJS, very sorry to hear of your problems. Does your rheumy plan on trying you on the some the meds that are specifically for RA? There are many meds for RA so, no, if your dr puts you on meds for it, your pain level should drop, if the meds are working. I understand how the meds only work for a certain amt of time and then its done. If you have any percs left I would take them rather than just sitting and suffering.

I do think you need to be honest with your pain dr by all means. Write all of this down about how you are feeling and let him/her know. They don't read minds, so unless you just put all of your cards on the table he will not have a clue. How did your accident happen. If you fell or something to cause trauma to your back in addition to your neck injuries your atty needs to get busy with the goofy ins. company. By any chance when you were 1st hurt did you have back pain and tell your very 1st dr you were having back pain? If so comp should pick up the tab. Did they dispute you were injured at work? If the pain did not start until after your c-surgery, I doubt very seriously they will pay for your back. You will then need to use your health ins. I doubt any of your drs will say its related to the c-surgery either, I have never seen comp let that fly by, Hugs, Susie

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Date Joined Jun 2008
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   Posted 6/24/2008 6:00 AM (GMT -6)   
SJH we KNOW, we FEEL, and we UNDERSTAND all that your saying. For many of this life has been this way for some time and thru it all we have adjusted,and survived and so have our kids. I raised 4 wonderful caring children to adulthood in this pain and they turned out just fine and maybe even better then if I had not had to teach them patience and acceptance of all things. We learned together how to do things differently to accomadate my pain levels or my restrictions and thru it all they did OK.

Kids are resilient at best and can and do adjust to any and all situations far better then we think so stop worrying about the kids as it is far better to count the quality of the time you are able to spend with them and not the quantity or the amount of exertion spent.

Make that appointment today for the pysch Doc as this is really important and our state of minds plays a really big part of our state of pain. How we handle these hurdles we must face is how well we get thru to the relief.

Just the panic alone can throw your pain levels higher!

Anytime I get to the point of panic I take a deep breath and think Ok I can do this, I can do this better then if my kids were doing this or my Mother was doing this,right? Just like the others said, I wish this on no one and I can handle this today and tomorrow can and will be better.

Each of us at some point in our lives are faced with the knowing that work is over for us and the need to find an alternative means of supporting ourselves and adding to our income has come. None of us wanted to have to draw SSD but there came a time when it was all but necessary so the time to think of that is now when we are looking for answers to our pain and seeking diagnosis. Make sure you keep up with all Docs,tests,records,names addys and dates seen and hospitalized. All of this is going to come in handy and make applying for SSD much easier and increase your chances of not being denied over and over. I keep a large accordian style folder and for every Doc I see I ask for a copy of my chart to enter in there and when it came time to apply I had everything in hand as my ability for recall of dates and such was sadly lacking thru the pain.

You cant think in terms of the end of your world but in terms as the begining of something new. It isnt easy but it is necessary for those of facing a lifetime of this pain.

Come here to lean as this is where you know you can count on someone understanding. Families many times dont want to face the fact your sick or you have something wrong with you. It is like if they dont talk about it or acknowledge it then it isnt there right?

YOu have little kids and you dont want to scare them into thinking your going to die or something and they really can blow illness and disease out of proportion in their way of thinking.

Sit down and make a plan,what do you want to gain what is your ultimate goal for yourself in this and how do you set yourself in the right road to get it?

I say this all the time,keep a journal of your pain and always take it with you to the Doc no matter if it is a new one or the same old one they can read it and see where your at at any given time.

I also forwarded this to the ALJ for SSD and it was entered into my record. Put everything in there as to when it starts,how it felt and be honest here and how long it lasted,what helped and what made it worse. Be fair and be honest with it.

I hope you find some relief and is it possible that your Rheumy will take over your pain issues as she might be better suited to treat this since alot of it is caused by the RA.

It isnt rational thinking to believe you can do this and get thru with no pain meds and we all wish it were so. I dont think there is one of us out here who given the chance wouldnt get off the meds that seem to control our very existance. It cant be done for many of us.

The long acting meds are far better as they are sometimes for some once a day or twice a day and clock watching is the thing of the past.

Anyone with a debilitating pain causing disease,injury or illness needs to think of meds and treatment in terms of long acting versus taking a pill or two every few hours and by the time it kicks in your in dire pain and lasts only for a little while and starting to wear off with several hours to go before you can take another.

I wish you the best of luck and hoping you can get settled into this life and find soem peace for yourself.
Bilateral knee replacements,spondylosis of L-3,4,5 and S-1, osteoarthritis,premenopausal migraines.
Meds: Methadone,xanax,zanaflex,maxide,prempro,K+,indocin,lexapro,neurontin(coming off) lyrica(going onto)

New Member

Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 18
   Posted 6/24/2008 2:38 PM (GMT -6)   

Hi SjH - YOU ARE NOT ALONE.  I am 27 and am suffering unbelieveable pain everyday and it has just been getting worse and worse.  Please, whatever you do, dont give up.  Keep searching for help I know how hard this is know that I understand chronic pain and depression and the feeling of not being able to take it anymore.  I dont know how I am still here through all this but I am waiting for a healing


Regular Member

Date Joined Feb 2007
Total Posts : 155
   Posted 6/24/2008 6:36 PM (GMT -6)   
Dear SJH
you are not alone...

my only advice to add to what all the others have said
is PRINT this off for yourself & highlight the issues, questions, thoughts
and GO prepared to your next appointment

I could share my story
but its very much the same,

we are all in "THIS BOAT".... so instead of

of being in a ship thats sinking.....

maybe we need to see this differently...

we're on a cruise.... ENJOY your NOW .....

I agree with Warren
NOW is all we HAVE...

and Think Positive
They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their Strength, they shall mount up on wings as eagles, they shall run & not grow weary, they shall walk & not faint..."  Ish   40 v. 31 
Sjrogrens Syndrome, Asthema, Chronic Fatigue, Chronic Pain, Head aches, Migraines, Gastro Intestinal Problems , Esophegial Spasms;   Fibro Myalgia , Kidney Stones,  & CP (SI joint,   low mechanical back pain..L4 & L5 Vertebrae Misaligned,  Spinal Stenosis and Degenerative Disc Disease, Bulging Disc, anterolisthesis L4 L5L4 -- S1 pain  caused by osteoarthristis ,bone spurs, causing pinching or pressure on spinal chord)

Regular Member

Date Joined Jun 2008
Total Posts : 87
   Posted 6/25/2008 4:54 PM (GMT -6)   
You know, maybe i really should keep a journal. But what do i put in it? Just when I hurt and how it hurts and how bad? Or everything down to what I am thinking at the time? That reminds me. I got a WONDERFUL referral to a PCP who suppossedly is aGREAT listener and patient and empathetic to pain.... so I am going to call him... now actually. At the time i posted this thread, I was in an extreme state of pain. The kind that blinds you to where you are almost paralyzed and you can't even cry it hurts so bad. That is when I panic, because I really do feel at that time I am going to die a horrible painful slow death. It's the kind of panic that squeezes your heart and chest and makes your stomach turn into a washing machine.

1,000 that is pretty "funny" you and i are the same age and yet i had one pain Dr. say i was too young to be in this much pain and he doesn't know of anyone else my age in my condition.... hahahaha jerk. i wish he could see this now.....

nvrthesame, that is some very sound advice and I will try to follow that as much as possible. I tend to stray but always find my path again somehow... :-)

Well the RA wasn't started by any acident that I know of.... :-) But the back pain I am GUESSING it stems from me being rear-ended 2 times within 4 months from each other. Both were pretty violent accidents, one was at around 50 mph the 2nd was at 70+, the guy took off on the last one.(how he drove that car away from the scene, I will never know) but I felt the pain immediately. The settlement, if you could even call it that is long closed. I was stupid and young and had no idea that I was geting screwed. You can be assured it will not haooen again. God have pity on the next moron that runs into my car and hurts me or my family.... they will have a lot of wrath unleashed on them :-)

I am ok today i took a couple pain meds I was stashing away, I just cannot shake that burning, pulling feeling in my spine. I don't know what it is, but it feels like an overwhelming pressure in the middle of my spine and squeezing the bottom of it too. Why oh why didn't they just give me a FULL MRI?????

K I am going to call this doc, I will see what they say. Thanks again you guys, if i could see you I would hug you...
***** Fibromyalgia 2007 ***** Degenerative Disk Disease with Herniation T7, T8, T9 May '08***** Rheumatoid Arthritis June '08 ******

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Date Joined Jul 2006
Total Posts : 1123
   Posted 6/26/2008 7:40 PM (GMT -6)   

I wanted to tap into what everyone else has saiod: we are all in the same bost and have all "been there, done that, in too much pain to get a T-shirt!" I agree: If we stay in the NOW, maybe we can call it a "cruise." lol

That light at the end of he tunnel?  It's an on-coming train.

Pamela Neckpain
Veteran Member

Date Joined May 2008
Total Posts : 1821
   Posted 7/1/2008 3:44 AM (GMT -6)   
SJH ...
I can't sit at the computer long enough to read all the posts. I knew there would be a bezillion. We're all in pain. We learn to live with it. Some days we think we can't. It's been my experience that people acts like real horses behinds about the situation. I'm sorry it's like this for us. Oprah should have a show. You are lucky that you can even get to work. I couldn't work if my life depended on it.
Pamela Neckpain
You might take that last sentence wrong. Just keep in mind that I've been carrying this pain for seven years. I think yours is fairly new?

New Member

Date Joined Dec 2008
Total Posts : 5
   Posted 12/10/2008 8:43 AM (GMT -6)   
CALL YOUR DR! or go to ER.Breakthru pain is the most painful there is,your DR must understand your condition and should have you on meds for this purpose.i he will not give you meds then the ER is the next step.I hope yo are better.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 6795
   Posted 12/10/2008 4:07 PM (GMT -6)   
It's fine to revisit old threads for information. There's a wealth of info. on them. But when they're older the people may not be actively posting, so if you wait for a response it may not come. Just FYI.

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