Overwhelmed and at a Loss!!

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Regular Member

Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 191
   Posted 8/9/2008 9:18 PM (GMT -6)   
Hello all sorry i havent been on lately been out of commission this last week sighss...
First Palady i am so sorry for what you are goin through i can understand what its like to be alone and having to deal with all this...sometimes its just to much...and to all i hope you are all well...you are all in my thoughts and prayers
God i dont even know where to start....I just need to vent befor i explode. Its been 6 weeks sence my car accident and i am no better, im not any worse just seems to have plateaued with my condition...which to say the least and its not a nice place to be at...im in pain 24/7 and i cant get any relief anywhere...And i feel pathic for even saying all this when i read what some of you are goin through and how long you all have suffered...but i just so need to get this all out..
I did go to the doc about my reaction to the percocet took me off it and put me back on the loratab which makes me sick to my stomach...and i told them that but still put me back on it again sigh...which by the way none of these pain meds seem to really work for my anyways not sure if any of you experience that or not...so take them only at night but then they started to keep me awake which i already have enough trouble sleeping sence i have a her. dics in c5 and another in lower back cant remember which one right this momet...so between the 2 there is no comffy or even simi commfy spot...so at this point i dont even bother with any of the pain meds other than the naperson and flexeral...
I am single and have 4 kids...my x took the kids after i got in accident for 4 weeks to help out now there back...i cant even take care of myself that much at this point let alone my kids....i went back to work bout a week and half ago did 3 days and ended up on the couch outa commision for another week...but if i dont work then i cant survive...
I have had to go down to part time and even that is so painful i dont even know what to do....what do you do when faced with lossing everything your kids, house, car, job, everything if you dont work...I have had to rely on my family neighbors and whom ever i can get any type or help from...I hate this I hate not being able to take care of myself my kids my job which by the way one week before accident just was promoted to account manager with a hefty pay raise....which is pretty much down the tube without a mircle or healing...
I cant get the doctors to take me seriously....just keep gettin you have to follow through with the treatment plan intil they say then we will discuss the next option which is cotizon shots...if they work if ya ya ya was told that most people recover from neck and back injuries within the fisrt month well i wasnt in the most cat with that....still doing pt 3 times a week just had that extented for another 2 months at the least....
I cant sleep ever sence my accident pain is so much worse at night if im lucky i get 3 to 5 hrs a day... usu i just pass out from pure exhustion...im so exhusted mentaly i am so worn down emotionalty i am at the limit of what i can take phyicaly...
I have decissions to make hard ones for myslef and my kids...and i have a realitively short time to make these decissions a month tops...
I cant keep my kids if i cant phyicaly take care of them or provide for them financially.....I may have to send them with there father to live intil i am better if i get better...
i know he will take good care of them but he lives in philly and the schools there are crap to say the least exp the high school...im really worried bout that esp for my 14 yr old goin into 9th grade...he will get eaten alive...i worry bout upsetting the kids as they just got adjusted to being in sc with me... the last 2 yrs have been so hard for them and the divorce..now this....
Im the strong one the one who has always towed to line for everyone in my life...my the arangements took care of everything did what i could to help anyone i could in my life that needed it...even at the expence of myslef so much of the time...
now that i find myslef in the place of needing from others its seems like no one is listening its just like they just expect me to dig down deep and find what i need to get through...how do you do this when you know that there is nothing to do no where to go to dig any deeper that you are just at your breaking piont and no one will listen and heed what you are saying to them...
I havent cried in yrs and now all i do is cry all the time....i dont know how to cope i dont no what to do to survive i dont know how to take care of my kids..i dont know how to take care of myself....i want to scream hit something someone i want my life back the one i have spent 2 and 1/2  yrs construting to have a healthy life and one for my kids if i wasnt working i was with them speding time teaching them that no matter what happens in life there is always a way to be happy that life is a mind set and now i feel like a hypergrite because i cant see that cant find that all i have ever done is give to everyone...i try to be the best person i can be everyday try and learn from what i have done wrong and be better the next time...im honest and loyal...
and i know that that doesnt garr..anything but why do i feel like it should right now???
i have always been ok being on my own have actually enoyed it...now all i want is a safe haven to run to and have someone take care of me and not carry any weight bout my health....and there is no where to go...how do you dig down deep to carry on to take care of my kids and not loose it all when there is nothing left to dig down deep for anymore?? and why just WHY doesnt anyone believe you when you say you cant you just CANT!
Im so sorry for the rant and if no one answers then im ok with that as well just to know that someone read it and heard and understood just means alot so much more than most in life ever realize...
Thank you all

Veteran Member

Date Joined Dec 2007
Total Posts : 639
   Posted 8/9/2008 9:37 PM (GMT -6)   

You should not feel badly for venting like this. That is partly what this forum is for. It is true that many of us have been dealing with constant pain for a very long time, but even those of us who are "experienced" at it still have those days when we just need to grieve a little bit for all that we've lost. This is something you never get used to. So please, don't put so much pressure on yourself to be okay with all of this. It stinks! There's no way around that! And it's okay for you to be upset about the situation you now find yourself in. The issues you are dealing with are some of the many reasons that many CP sufferers also eventually experience some form of depression. Chronic Pain impacts every part of your life. I don't know if you are seeing a Pain Management doctor or if you are still working with a Spinal Surgeon or Neurologist, but you might consider asking your doctor about at neuropsychiatrist as well. PLEASE don't think that I am saying you are crazy or depressed or that this is all in your head. Quite the contrary! Neuropsychiatrists are doctors who specialize in helping people deal with the many ways that pain impacts their life.

I am so sorry that you are finding that you cannot work right now too. But do you have disability at work? I don't know how all of that works, but it would seem to me that they should not be able to take away a promotion just because you've been injured. You may have to take advantage of having your husband help out with the kids, though. Taking care of 4 other little bodies right now might just be too much to expect of yourself. I am very much like you in that I am the "caretaker" of my extended family and was always the organizer and the one who everyone turned to for help. Since my injury I've been forced to adjust to being the helped instead of the helper and to stepping out of the care-giving role. That has been extremely difficult for me - almost like stripping away my very identity. So I can understand your struggle. But when it comes right down to it, you have to take care of you.

I know it seems right now like this will never end, but I am still hoping and praying for you that the doctors will find a resolution to this and get you on the mend. Lord willing next year you will be looking back at these months as a dim memory. Do keep us up to date, and know that we are praying for you.


Regular Member

Date Joined Jul 2008
Total Posts : 191
   Posted 8/9/2008 10:07 PM (GMT -6)   
Thank you Ry so much.
I dont take offence to the truth im a very pragmatic person.  I realize I am struggling with depression right now who wouldnt be with, im loosing my life as i know it peice by peice. I know somewhere down the line i will find a way to deal with this as that is who i am, but right now I just want to feel what I am feeling if that makes any sence at all. Im so angry!  I would love to have someone to talk to and am not adverse to seeing someone about all this.
What you said about feeling like having your identy stipped away that is excatly how I feel like i have to reinvent who I am soposed to be now and having no idea who that person is. That has been so hard to deal with.  How do you take yourslef out of that role of caregiver I feel so quilty even though I know it is no fault of my own. How do you learn to take care of yourslef first when you never have?
I do not have dissablity at work because the job that I have is a commsion based job at which I make a good living at befor my accident but there isnt anything to drawl from because I am considered an indepentant contractor. Life is always the best teacher of the allusion of control we think we have over ourselves and our surroundings and its not until something happens that that allusion is broke and we realize we arent nearly as prepared as we thought we were.
I know I will everntually get to the point that I will be ok no matter what that Ok is...Its my kids that i worry about and how this is going to effect them if i cant take care of them. That just eats at me day and night.
Thank you for the thoughts and prayers Ry and just know they are returned 2 fold.

Veteran Member

Date Joined Nov 2007
Total Posts : 6795
   Posted 8/9/2008 11:34 PM (GMT -6)   
I first want to thank you for all your kind and sincere thoughts on my other thread, and you are so right just knowing we have eachother is profoundly meaningful. i don't know what I'd do without the friends - and even though as was said we are all over and may likely never "meet" in person we have met in our hearts. I think we here may have a closeness that is rarely found with most people we know in person. It is true caring and compassion.

I wish I could say more in terms of solutions for you. But since I also have been mostly self-employed, and lost the part time job I had last year which included my health benefits, I know what it means to be floating out there with no safety net. And I'm collecting some unemployment but that will run out soon and when it does if my health hasn't improved any and I have to apply for SSD, while I'm waiting I'll have no choice but to do what will break my heart - go and apply for government services. I say this because it may be, even temporarily, your only option, too, and I realize how difficult this is to contemplate when one has been independent, and has taken care of oneself as you and I have. And in your case you've also cared for your children. Like Ry said, maybe even temporarily you may have to have them stay with your ex, but before that maybe call your local assistance office and see what would be available to you. Often you may be eligible for more services because of the children, but I do know it's not going to be an easy thing psychologically to face. And for me I even know some of the people who work in those offices because of former professional roles. To now have to go in and apply for those services...well, I don't think I have to tell you. Plus there's the aspect of the government having even more control over your life, your spending, etc. That being said, maybe it will help you keep the children with you. Maybe you can even get some assistance with child care.

Even though having the children make it so much harder, it's also probably a motivator for you. Let's you and I together try to take this one bite at a time - and it will taste lousy - but maybe that's all we can do. And as you learn more about your physical condition maybe there will be some good news about possible treatments. As I recall you had the good PT who was slowing down your return to work? PT can take a long time, but can be very worhtwhile.

Ok, I'm going to try to get a little energy to go to the Beach Party. If you're up for it, feel free to join us! Or even just read along and smile!

You're among friends who care.

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