I dont even know where to start...So here goes,
I know some of you know I have been struggling with what to do about my kids and being able to manage my life as it was before my accident. I am a single mom with 4 kids. My fiance is scottish and we are working out immagration issues on top of all this. We are waiting to get our fiance visa aprroved and he will be moving over here. We just have no idea how long that will take, its first come first serve and he cant come over while the visa is pending, sighs, or he would have been over as soon as I got in my accident.
SoTonight we talked and made the decission to send my kids to there fathers. We were talking that before my accident I ran at a 100%, 100 % of the time. And how hard it was for me then, being at a 100%. That this would be best for them and it doesnt have to be perminent. That I really need to concertrate on getting better or just learning how to manage a life with CP.
I agreed on most days now, I'm at about 30% and on those rare times 40% of what I used to do. I was thinking that if I cant take care of myself then how will I be able to take care of my kids. I obviously need to take care of myself because what kind of effective mother can I possible be in the condition that I am in right now. That was hard to accept, but I thought with time hopefuly I would recover and if not fully then enough to get my life back. I need some time to heal phycaily and emotionaly and I have not had that in this last few months. This has been the hardest thing that I have ever had to go through.
So I called my ex husband who lives in philly, as he has told me several times sense the accident that he would do what he could to help me out and get the kids, their his kids too and he would do what was necessary for them as well, if I needed him to call. Hmmmm, well lets just say that, that didnt go as I planned or expected.
This has been taring me apart sense the accident and I have tried so hard to keep everything together, but I just cant right now. This was agonizing for me but I had to make a decission, so I called.
My ex then proceeded to make every excuse in the book not to be able to help by taking the kids form "where do you expect to put the kids. Im in a 2 bedroom apartment.", " I hope you know that this is gonna make things so hard on everyone from stepmom, stepsister, new baby brother, and what about how ours kids are gonna cope", He named them all by name! " , 'if I come and get them this is forever theres no goin back" And if this isnt the topper "if, if i come and get them, you will have to pay for me there and back!" What an ass!
So there I sat, saying to myslef, this is really unbelieveable but typical of him. I really should have know better, he was like that when we were married and I know that if I send the kids I wouldnt feel right in my heart about it and I dont want him taking it out on my kids if he really doesnt want to help his kids, not me, I will find a way to survive. My kids are my life and I have worked to hard to raise them the right way and make my home a palce of love and laughter no matter what life throughs at us.
So I quess I will again after this. I quess in some ways I feel better even though I'm not sure i can manage. I can deal with pragmatics its all the uncertanties that are my undoing. Plus it was tearing me up about sending the kids all the way to Philly anyways and of that I'm glad for, even though I know its going to be a hard road.
I am new to CP, didnt have it before my accident. I lived a healthy noraml life along my merry way. Dreaming my painting then painting my dream. Now I have to find a new way to deam my painting and paint my dream.
I know that means I will have to give up some of the things that I used to dream about, but it doesnt mean I cant dream a new dream, just with a different reality than before. I quess Im just a bit lost on how to dream right now. I feel alone and scared, but determinend and resolute.
How do those with kids manage? Have you found ways that makes things easier. How do you manage doctors appointment amost everthing else?
Well sorry it was so long winded, I really needed to vent, Im a bit angry (well very angry right now) Good thing my ex lives in philly cause the way I feel right now he wouldnt have to worry about proving himself a man anymore! Sighs sorry again.
Thank you all for listening it means the world to me